How Do We Find The Courage To Be (More) Ourselves?

It's a tranquil Monday afternoon and I'm sitting on the sofa at my laptop, tap-tapping away.

I took yesterday off posting, because I can. Because I've learned that, beyond a certain point, pushing myself is counterproductive, and I need to honour myself and my limits.

Also [and this is more of a note to self than anything else], I have nothing to prove.

We are in the midst of a global pandemic. Now is not the time for drowning ourselves in work. Now is not the time for being hard on ourselves. We've had enough of that to last a lifetime.

And, in all honesty, is there ever a good time for either of those things?

Be hard on yourself when it's useful, when it keeps you on the straight-and-narrow, when it forces you to be accountable.

But drowning yourself in work? It's just another means of escape. It might look good according to standards we're used to or expectations we've set ourselves, but without an underlying or unifying purpose, it's just avoidant.

(Like slobbing on the sofa for days on end, but with a little more output.*)

I can't speak for you, but some questions speak for themselves.

I've started this post with a title - a rarity, but I'm rolling with it.

How do we find the courage to be ourselves?

Just writing this phrase gives me pause for thought.

I don't know how to start what I want to say, so I'm trying to let it flow. To speak from the heart, rather than the mind. To speak to the heart, even. We all have one, after all. And it's this - heart and soul, rather than mind and body - that gives us the courage and conviction needed to be, to find, ourselves.

It's this that shows us the way home.

I perceive the following: that we live in a world that instinctively, intrinsically, teaches and preaches a certain, external, doctrine.

And in many ways it doesn't matter *what* that doctrine actually is. What matters is the impact it has on us; the way it shapes our lives, and the way in which we perceive and conceive ourselves in, and in relation to, the world around us.

I've been binge-watching Normal People - if watching four episodes back-to-back counts as binge-watching, at least. (It was 4 am - anything goes. #lockdownlife)

If you haven't watched it, and you're looking for something beautifully shot and achingly perceptive - do. (Please note, it's NSFW. But hey, we're all adults here.)

I rarely watch TV, and often joke that I have no cultural capital to speak of. This is the first time that I've done anything like this in a while, and a part of me likes that. I enjoy surprising myself.

I realised that part of what was keeping me gripped was that I deeply identified with Marianne, the lead female character. (Sometimes we all want to be centre stage.)

In her, I saw my teenage self. Brittle. Angry. Hurt. Lost.

And I also saw how she could be perceived by others. Uptight. Obnoxious. Self-superior. Loner.

And my heart went out to her.

And then this question came to me. I wanted to write this article. To unpick the process. To explore the concept of metamorphosis - and also, integration.

We don't just leave our past selves behind. For better or worse, we carry them with us. We wear our stories on our bodies. We feel our stories in our bodies. The body keeps the score.

There is so much that we don't - or perhaps can't - express; an abundance of 'stuff', of baggage, of feeling, that takes a lifetime to explore and unpick; a breadth and depth of self-examination that many would, quite understandably, shy away from, because it's just too painful. And so be it.

I talk about pain, courage and identity because, for me, these words, these terms, are inextricably interlinked. With the joy of self-discovery comes the radical unlearning of all that was deemed to be known, 'certain', and perhaps held dear before. And, no matter who you are or where you're at in life, that's difficult.

I am passionate about unpicking the shame and stigma around these topics because I have felt them so deeply at a personal level. And I know - I *know* - that I am not alone in this. You don't need to tell me your story for me to understand this.

And yet for a long time, I didn't trust this inner knowledge. I didn't let myself break down and, in doing so, break free.

It is only now, n years on, that I am even beginning to develop a level of self-compassion and awareness that allows me to move beyond this.

So, again. Back to the question.

How do we find the courage to be ourselves? Or more ourselves, even.

Small steps, big change.

For if you don't know who you are, how can you be it?

How can you be authentic to something that you haven't first connected with?

I've always been introspective. This trait has pros and cons. But, such is life.

Embracing the shades of grey is what allows us to see beauty in all things.

And really, acceptance is enough.

We don't have to love everything about ourselves.

We just have to be curious, and open to change.

And open to feeling.

And open to being.

And open to everything terrifying that [that] comes with: vulnerability.

This is not about love but acceptance. The notion of 'making peace'.

Hurt people hurt people.

We would do well to forgive.

#inthetrencheswithyou

*N.B. There is nothing wrong with slobbing on the sofa at times!