How Do We Change Ourselves?

Last week, I wrote a brief post about the very common need to change oneself to meet the moment; i.e., to meet - and ideally excel at - the demands of one's job or one's staff or one's industry - or one's family - especially as they change over time.??The following is a longer post containing thoughts and resources related to making that change.

First, we need a goal that is both motivating AND seems within reach.

Changing ourselves is hard. Get clear on the why of the change. What do you hope to gain? Make the goal something that excites you AND seems doable. The goal doesn't need to be very specific, e.g., "I want to be the CMO of XYZ in 5 years". More general goals can be more motivating and offer more guidance, e.g., "I want to develop mastery in this area"; "I want to develop such deep skill in that area that I can call the shots in what I do next"; "I want to avoid becoming obsolete"; "I want avoid hitting a career plateau". Find something that excites you...or scares you if you don't do it. Change is especially hard without motivation.

Next, we need to be open to making change.

A default reaction may be "I like myself just as I am!". That may be true. But what any of us likes and wants is often not what the world needs, recognizes and rewards.?And, of course, who we are today may be entirely unrelated to what the world needs tomorrow.?So often we need a bit of maturity. Some resources:

Book: "What got you here won't get you there"

https://tinyurl.com/3wjmvumb

Article: "The Authenticity Paradox"

https://tinyurl.com/yc7hwjw5

Then, we need some clarity about the change that's required.

What kind of change would be most beneficial and impactful given your aspirations? It's easy to be confused and unfocused and to waste time and resources in the process. Do some research and get some support. What are the critical hard and soft skills required to excel in your area of interest? What do you notice about the skills of the people who seem to be thriving in these roles? What do job descriptions consistently demand? What feedback about your own areas of development, formal or informal, can you gain from those that you work with? A discussion with colleagues or an executive coach might help drive some clarity. Look for recurring themes re: critical skills and behaviors to develop. Don't just cast about, guessing at what you think might be most useful.??

Then, we need confidence that this is a change that we can make.

We typically lean into our strengths and they become habits which we display regularly. If we find that we need to make a change, it may well be in an area that is not a strong suit. We need to plunge ahead anyway. We need to approach it with a growth mindset, i.e., a sense that we are not a fixed and final product in the world but rather a work-in-progress. Ideally, we remind ourselves of our accomplishments to date; we have faith in our ability to grow; we re-frame our task as something that engages us and doesn't frighten us....and then we push ourselves away from the side of the pool and start swimming.

Here is a good summary of Carol Dweck's book, "Mindset", on the power of growth versus fixed mindsets.

https://tinyurl.com/3vkjf8bs

Then we need action.

Ideally, if the goal is motivating, it's easy to push ourselves away from the side of the pool and start to swim.?Lots of things, though, can get in the way: the task can seem too big and daunting; you have no time; you procrastinate.?Consider the following:

• Divide the task into smaller and smaller steps until it seems doable
• Commit in public.??
• Find support from friends, family, a group.

Robert Cialdini, author of "Influence" wrote of the power of commitment.?This Medium article speaks to Cialdini's findings:

https://medium.com/@charlesleon/consistency-and-commitment-9f2f9d38e188

Then we need consistency.

I often equate changing oneself to learning a new sport or learning a musical instrument.?We need to change our minds and our bodies to work in a different "un-natural" way.?The only way one can get great at a new sport or at a musical instrument is to be consistent.?The same is true in changing yourself in any other ways.?One way to be consistent is through personal discipline and will power.?Another, easier way is to create a habit around your new behaviors.?When we have a habit, we don't need willpower - we do it automatically.?(Fortunately) I don't need willpower to brush my teeth.?I just do it.?The same is true with exercise that I do first thing in the morning.?I just do it.?I don't give myself time to think about if I should do it; or to consider the conflicts; or to do some kind of pro/con analysis.?I just do it.??

James Clear wrote a great book on developing - and breaking - habits called "Atomic Habits".?Here is a good summary article.

https://www.builtlean.com/atomic-habits-review/

Then we need kindness with ourselves and patience.

Change takes time.?We're going to?@#$ up along the way.?We need to continue to embrace a growth mindset and follow this golfer's guidance.?He had just missed a 3 foot putt to win $1.9 million.?He had to compose himself because now he was in a sudden death play-off.

https://tinyurl.com/vcc8s993

It helps to help others along the way.

Nearly everyone struggles.?Pay it forward and help them.?And, as a side benefit, the discussion will remind you of the actions that you might take - and more change that you would like to accomplish.

And finally rinse and repeat.

(Phew. Change is hard!)