How Do We Begin to Move Forward?

Though there are so many pressures facing older adults in America, I would move to drastically reduce the way we age alone. It seems we’ve studied the effects of loneliness far too long: the evidence is clear – loneliness literally kills us. It shortens our lives, dulls our moods and creates anxiety in our days. It makes us physically sick. Yes, we’ve all heard the 15-cigarettes-a -day analogy. So how do we begin to make a difference? We turn back to our old ways. How ironic that we’d move backward, right? It used to be that when our grandparents, or parents began to age and require more help with being independent, we moved them into our homes. Our families grew exponentially larger, with more plates around the table and more conversation and liveliness. And more care too. The connectedness was not burdensome, but buoyant! Grandparents helped parent grandchildren. They were reverent! Their voices mattered, their minds clamored to keep up with the energy. Can you imagine? The benefits of having the young and old live together happen in other countries, and to good effect. I clearly remember when my 84-year-old grandmother became ill with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, there was never a doubt – she’d have a place in the home of her daughter, my mother. The last 10 months of her life were tenuous but filled with a good measure of happiness and laughter. We ate dinner together, cared for her physical needs and made sure she had whatever she needed. It was not easy and we knew what the end would be.

Today’s nuclear family reminds me of a fractured honeycomb. People live distantly from their parents, grandparents and so forth. There might be cards and letters and phone calls, maybe even FaceTime, but the pandemic has pinched us into an already terrible problem – increased distance from loved ones. If you get infected with COVID or exposed, triple the isolation because then you must quarantine from your family and friends. I got an email from an older friend who admitted he’d been exposed and is now quarantining and is very lonely. He’s literally stuck.

Other countries have figured out solutions and are far ahead of us. Elders move in with their children; China, where the belief is Confucian tradition – elders live with and are cared for by their children; Germany and Sweden, both countries whose traditions are being challenged by the increasing population of older people on society, but are reveling to stay true to their core values – we don’t turn our backs on our elders. 

I contend that we figure out creative ways to age in small groups – families, friends, little hives. We share art and music and conversation and belonging. We hire expert in-home care when needed. We are part of a whole. We don’t exclude; to the contrary, we include. I’ve found the most interesting outcomes as I watch older people engage through their shared stories, their disappointments, griefs and joys. They form cohesive bonds and revel in the spirit that encircles them. They seem to need each other in ways that are of the human soul, and purely by choice, not by convention.

We are born into families and we should die within our families. 

However we make that happen, we figure it out. It’s the right and ethical choice. And choices like this are never easy or pat or without strain. We age in place and remain independent for as long as possible, but know there‘s a safe harbor within our nuclear families.