How do our own beliefs affect us?

{Wersja polska opublikowana 31. sierpnia.}

A bit of coaching and a bit of Coaching, and flows open up within us that we were completely unaware of on a conscious level.

I like to say "expect the unexpected"-how well this relates to the coaching-therapeutic process, both on the side of the client and the coach.

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"I have a sense of duty. I have to give my best. I MUST DELIVER." - sounds familiar, doesn't it? Do you observe this from a friend or colleague? Do you hear it from your family? Or do these thoughts echo in your head?

It's just one piece of a bigger puzzle - a game that we are being drawn into or are drawing ourselves into. With a story about just such a game, my collaboration with a client, let's call her Ola, began.

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Ola wanted change, but she needed and looked for extra support, stimulation. We started by talking casually about the difficulties at work and, as she pointed out, before she knew it, she found herself in a process.

It quickly became apparent that Ola was not only getting caught up in the guilt of believing that the work had to be done well, not only because shortcomings would have negative consequences for her, her team and her clients, but through the work and through the judgement of others she perceived her own value.

This way of attributing value to oneself is not uncommon. How often do those around you fall into it? How often do you yourself balance on its edge or completely immerse yourself in it and even begin to perceive every glance as a silent criticism? We all like to be appreciated. But is it the healthiest way to condition the perception of yourself on others?

Although Ola felt good about herself at work - she was driven, organised, always on time - there was almost nothing left of this outside of work - time was lacking, energy was scarce, backlogs were piling up.

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The piece that tainted the professional image was insufficient mental support, understanding and appreciation.

Because of both of these related areas, Ola wanted to change her job and the sector - "stop the speeding train and get off it". However, she was held back by fear and lack of confidence in her competence.

A simple vision of the future helped her to overcome it initially, to make a decision and find motivation - "Imagine your life in a few years or so, if you decide not to change. Now imagine taking on the challenge, deciding and implementing your plans. How do you feel in both visions? What do you learn from them? What decision do you make?"

Suddenly staying in the current job and not changing anything was not a safer choice. But... here came the anti-hero in the form of lack of self-confidence.

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The discussion with Ola resulted in changes in her life - she had less pressure at work, thanks to the support of an extra person, as a result of the conversation with her supervisor. She had also returned to taking greater care of herself, exercising regularly and playing sport, and her energy and enthusiasm levels had improved.

However, she still struggled with her inability to let go and the overload of responsibilities this generated. But on a more positive note, she was also expanding her competences after work and seeking new employment, still in her current sector.

Evolution or revolution? Everything is a process and it is important that its pace is adapted to our needs. Changing too quickly can cause damage, while changing too slowly will not have the desired effect and is a waste of time. Many elements also work in us after the session is over, coming back in a more or less conscious way. So let's set our minds to change, but have an acceptance and understanding of the process. Let's give ourselves time.

Ola and I talked for some time about the job search and recruitment process itself. I shared the knowledge and experience I had gathered, pointed out elements to think about and asked some questions to inspire further curiosity. Ola had set herself the goal of preparing a CV, and she already had an idea of what kind of job she was looking for - a good framework for moving forward.

Ola wanted to understand herself better, how she works in practice and what she should pay more attention to. Based on the personality test she had taken, we discussed together what tendencies the results might indicate and how this relates to her everyday behaviour.

The acting, red choleric manifested itself particularly strongly at work, along with an addition of the organised, blue melancholic. The friendly green phlegmatic cared about the people round her, but lacked deeper connections and peace of mind and, importantly, liked to make decisions through conversation, consultation, relying on the authority of others. What Ola lacked most in her perception was the freedom of the spontaneous yellow sanguine.

Getting to know ourselves is a key step in a healthy process of change. Without knowing who we are, what we want and what will help us become the best version of ourselves, we act blindly, based on beliefs, often not even our own at origin. So it's worth turning towards ourselves first, looking inwards and accepting ourselves. However, in order to undergo a specific process of change, it is not necessary to know oneself in each of the many dimensions and to go through a full therapeutic process. Everything in balance and according to your needs.

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From the beginning of our work with Ola, the topic of her current long-distance relationship came up, both in the context of job change and relocation, as well as relationships, emotions and decision-making.

Tailored questions reassured her that the problem was not with her partner and relationship per se, but with what it implies - a sense of giving up her needs. The integrating questions guided her to seek a connection between her extreme beliefs and led her to the resolution to write down her options, pros and cons, and to test how she would feel in a different environment and in being with her partner on a daily basis for an extended period of time. It was also part of a larger puzzle of relationship difficulties.

The issue of relationships and confidence in them gave a very strong manifestation in working with intuition, contrary to Ola's stated preferred methods of logical work, or perhaps because of it.

Problem-setting started with a lack of comfort, followed through a fear of being judged and ended with a lack of confidence, and the goal became to feel confident regardless of the situation.

Ola smoothly immersed herself in the world of metaphor and the subconscious guided her gently, with vision and sensations in her body. Slowly it got better, but this changed when she reached the envisioned source of the problem, at which point the emotions built up and the physical state was strongly unpleasant. However, she made an intuitive choice and the tension disappeared, relief appeared, although the magnitude of the emotions remained.

In a logical interpretation, Ola admitted out loud to herself, "I don't give myself permission to be who I want, to say what I want. I block myself. It's sad." She also pointed out the adaptation to others and the tension caused by showing fake self-confidence.

After this summary of the process, Ola stated "I feel better than I did just now, but I feel poorly." - I assured her, truthfully, that such a state is perfectly natural after a deep process, and that more or less conscious reflections can continue for many more days. So she should observe herself, and in case of feeling unwell, uncomfortable thoughts, she can always reach out to me.

"I block myself." - The critical moment of realising that we alone are holding ourselves back from being ourselves fully. Such a state, of not being oneself, must generate tension, and either we become aware of it early enough, or one day it will 'blow up' uncontrollably on its own, perhaps at the worst moment, overflow, the pressure will be too high and the valves will let go, and then it will hit us and our surroundings with tremendous force. The second situation can have unpleasant consequences and we won't even realise what is happening.

How do we become aware of who we are? Understand as many elements of yourself as possible, your past and present, especially what the subconscious has put 'in the shadows' and what we are not aware of on a logical level. Everyone's needs are different, so it is worth working on this with someone offering a wide range of tools and adapting to your needs. The right form of coaching may be enough, sometimes we need to work closer to the therapy field or even dive deeper into it, but it may be that even seemingly simple, general questions will trigger a sequence of thoughts that we have been avoiding until now.

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The process triggered in Ola is still ongoing. After the session with the metaphor, she felt the need to understand logically what had happened and began to find answers. She came to the conclusion that she had spent long years in a toxic relationship, which she had treated as really close and friendly, but which had snapped a few months ago. Now she has finally understood what was going on, how she was not being herself, and she is relieved and has found peace.

Ola feels more confident and acts more confidently. We have started to bring out her values and she is now consciously declaring that the most important thing is to put herself and her needs first and to nurture relationships and trust. She has just negotiated much better working conditions for herself, based on the insight from our discussion together. She is well on the way to further change, our collaboration is not over and she even sees more and more value in it, bringing up more topics and taking for herself what she finds valuable from my experience and the knowledge I have gathered.

For me, there is nothing better than the feeling of influencing positive, lasting change in another person's life. This gives incredible satisfaction and motivation, and with these come results. So if there is an opportunity to combine value for yourself and for others, how could you not do it? It does work.

With special thanks to Adam D?bowski and Instytut Liderów Zmian for provoking the writing of the above.

#inspirecuriosity #curiosity #selfawareness #change #coaching #management #mindset #mentoring #leadership #development #growthmindset #selfleadership

sources of images used: https://pin.it/bmOaXAh | https://pin.it/1zOIsen |https://pin.it/6hnQeWK | https://pin.it/6pZbb3x | https://pin.it/1U7W4JR