How Do I Tell My Spouse? Part 2 – Minimal Conflict Cases

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Accurate assessment is crucial in answering the question of “how do I tell my spouse?” It is common for the initiator (the first to want to leave the relationship, and usually the spouse seeking the divorce) to overestimate their spouse’s acceptance of an impending divorce, let alone their agreement or enthusiasm to get divorced. Their spouse may also have undiagnosed personality disorders, bi-polar disorder, some form of narcissism, or other issues that make it difficult to exchange rational and logical ideas with them, especially in times of crisis. But, for the few who have minimal conflict, with a spouse who is on the same page, properly announcing or advising of an impending divorce can set the tone for a smooth and amicable process.

After you’ve completed your relationship assessment, if the self-diagnosis is that it is truly an amicable divorce, it is prudent to get your ducks in a row with a top family law attorney. Especially in amicable cases, the factual and legal information is crucial (and legally required) for an agreement. It should be based on advanced advice and must be drafted well. Then, when everything is ready, it is time to tell the other spouse that you are seeking an amicable, no-fault divorce rather than surprising them with a filing and service of a Petition for Dissolution of Marriage.?

Please note that Illinois has only no-fault divorces, but this is a practical discussion that spouses have. It is not, and should not be, a legal discussion. In fact, it is probably the worst time to start discussing legal and financial issues. Instead, this is a time to express your general intention that you are seeking a dissolution of the marriage, that you intend for it to be amicable, and that it is no fault. Some will even tell the spouse that everything will be okay. These are general statements of assurance and reassurance, and may be positive in no conflict cases, but a terrible trap in higher conflict situations.

A common and misunderstood mistake that most commit in this situation is to inadvertently begin to negotiate and to think that they know legal things. It is counterintuitive because they think they are helping their cause. But, many times, they are opening cans of worms that did not need to be opened. Even simple misunderstandings of what they have read online unintentionally send a case off in the wrong direction. The examples are numerous, if not exhausting. The simple rule is: don’t negotiate and don’t discuss any legal things. Know that almost anything your spouse questions will directly or indirectly involve those two points.

Keeping things amicable and agreed is the goal and is best done with someone who has seen what works and what does not work. So, if your situation is accurately assessed as safe, amicable, and agreed, this is the suggested approach before announcing your intention to divorce. In such instances, the goal is to prepare for a peaceful and cooperative process, which can facilitate the next stage of the divorce process, the information stage, and set the tone to seek an amicable agreed resolution.

Want more? Part 3 in the How Do I Tell My Spouse series will discuss high conflict situations.