How do I know if it’s generosity? (Or manipulation...)
Kieran Johnson - The Generosity Guy
Helping Professionals Find Purpose in Philanthropy; State Manager WA & SA at Opportunity International Australia; Media Commentator; The Generosity Podcast
Sometimes what may look great on the surface, or upon initial consideration, turns out to be a little less than we expected. I have met people who appear to be amazing, accomplished, friendly and incredibly successful at first glance, but as I spent time with them, I began to realise that they were not quite what they promoted. In fact, they have played fast and easy with the truth.
Generosity can be just like that. Someone may give you attention, gifts and surprises which are delightful. Over time though, something doesn’t appear right, and you may feel pressured into thinking, or acting or responding in a certain way because “you owe them”.
So, how do you know when someone is genuinely being generous?
In other words, how do I know if someone cares about me or just cares about themselves?
Here a few things to look out for:
If it comes with strings
If you are given a gift of any sort, but it requires something of you in return, that is not generosity. It is a transaction. Which might be okay if everyone in the transaction is fine with it, but don’t confuse it with someone be generous to you. If you are unsure, try saying no to the request that is made (either a verbal request or an unsaid expectation) and see what the response is. If they get upset because you are not giving them what they are owed, then that’s your answer.
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If it keeps you in a place of vulnerability
Some gifts seem very generous, and may even be given in good faith, but the consequences of the gift keep the receiver in a place of vulnerability. The Nestle scandal in the 1970’s comes to mind – there was outrage when it came to light that they had provided free formula to new mother’s in hospital in developing countries, which seems incredibly generous. But after the mother’s left hospital they needed to purchase it. Of course, by this time the mother’s breast milk production had been interrupted due to the formula use and they had no other option but to find the money to pay for the formula. A ‘gift’ that seems generous but kept people in a place of vulnerability instead of empowering them.
If it hurts you
Sometimes receiving a gift can cause you damage. For example, if someone gave you one billion dollars.
“How could that hurt me?” you ask.
Large amounts of money can create a huge burden, damaging relationships and families, and build significant costs and taxes to manage.
“I’ll take my chances” you say, well it didn’t work out so well for these guys. A gift for someone who is not ready for it can create huge problems.
Most of the time when you receive a gift, it is lovely but there are times when it turns out not to be generosity at all. Generally, anytime a gift is given that creates a power imbalance, it’s most likely not a generous act.