How do I forgive?

Once we have been deeply wounded by another, especially a very close other, we can find ourselves stuck in trauma for months, years or even decades. I’ve seen this pain last in others, way past the normal grieving period. Often when asked if we have been able to forgive, we may either pull away in horror or resign ourselves to a powerless forgiveness. When I say powerless, I mean we haven’t owned it. We feel obliged to forgive but don’t deeply understand the need for it.

The moment of trauma is often mentally relived over and over again (in an attempt to make sense of it), creating fresh trauma in that person. Joe Dispenza speaks of a refractory period after a traumatic event. This is the period of time between the trauma event and the final, complete processing and moving on from the event. During this refractory period, pain is being re-lived and processed within the person’s nervous system. The length of time this takes, has a huge effect in the long term on the persons future mental and physical health.

The body stores pain. We all experience this as tense muscles, sickness and body-based anxieties. The degree to which this pain transforms into longer term illness (mental and physical) is linked to the refractory period. If a person experiences sadness for example, we may call this a mood if it lasts a few days. When this sad mood is maintained internally for longer periods, say months, it becomes a disposition to depression. After years of practicing a mood of depression, it becomes a personality trait.

It is possible for a person to build their whole personally around past trauma. They become identified as a victim of whatever has occurred. I have felt the temptation to do this myself. It seems easier in a way to blame my present circumstances on past trauma than to own it myself. This is a victim mindset and leads to powerlessness. Ultimately, this lack of ownership is futile. No one comes to the rescue and we suffer the consequences of taking our “hands off the wheel” so to speak, as repeated failures and a shrinking life experience.

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I’m not saying that we should rush the grieving period or ignore emotional pain. Actually, poorly processed grief may cause the person to increase the refractory period not shorten it. Grief is a poorly understood process for most people in western culture. We lack the traditions and ancient wisdom that shows how to process grief respectfully and completely. If we allow ourselves the time and space to ‘feel the pain’ and express the emotions of anger, disappointment and sadness, we, in a way allow that pain to past through us and out. You could say grief is like passing through a dark, difficult valley from one country to another. The journey may be difficult and dark but crucial if we want to experience the next phase of life experience. Many of us are stuck in grief because we won’t pass through this “valley of weeping”.

So how do we process trauma more effectively? I think one life skill we all need to develop is the art of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a poorly understood concept in my experience and can be confused with reconciliation. These are in fact two separate processes. Forgiveness does not require reconciliation at all, but reconciliation does require forgiveness. Forgiveness is actually more about us and our health, than about the other person. Reconciliation, on the other hand is more about the relationship than the individual.

To forgive is to release ourselves from the trauma event. I have heard it said that a failure to forgive is like “drinking poison and hoping the other person will die”. We in essence forgive, to set ourselves free. Freedom from the past is impossible without forgiveness. You don’t forgive for them, you forgive for you!

Forgiveness is the process of letting go of your conclusions about who you are in their eyes.

Several years ago, I experienced (what I considered at the time) deep betrayal by someone I had poured my time and energies into. I went through normal feelings of anger, sadness and disillusionment. These are all totally acceptable in themselves but what was left after these emotions passed, was a deeper sense of wounded identity. This untreated wound crippled my ability to relate to others as a mentor for several years. I had allowed the betrayal to damage my perception of who I really was. I started to question my effectiveness, my ability to care well for others. I started to question my ability to discern others’ motives and my ability to help another person effectively.

 I think forgiveness is the process of releasing yourself from identifying with the offence. If I am wounded and then allow this wound to affect my identity, I will feel powerfully motivated to rectify this offence. If I think that others form and characterise my identity, then I am forced to change them to return to my previous self-image. For example, if I am betrayed by a close friend, I may then accept that I am unworthy of faithful friendship. The offence has been internalised. It has affected my identity.

No one forms your identity but you! If you allow them to affect your self-image, you will come under their control. If they then control the very foundation of your ego, of course you must attack, hate, resent, bully, punish, whatever is needed, to force them to redefine you. That is the essence of unforgiveness; a need to force the other to reverse the wound to your identity. The problem is, this never works.

A person may hold a grudge for years, storing feelings of anger, hate and resentment towards another person, only to discover years later that the person had been totally unaffected! They may not even recall the event. What is the point? Isn’t is better to stop allowing them to form your identity in the first place? You are who you say you are. Others can only change that to the degree you allow them to.

Forgiveness is the process of letting go of your conclusions about who you are in their eyes. In my previous example, I had allowed this close friend’s actions to define me. When I forgave, I became aware that their actions said more about them than me. I was set free in that moment, my identity returned into my hands. Forgiveness was natural in that moment. I also found that I was able you sympathise with them more and that lead to further empathy.

If we want to reduce the long-term effects of trauma we must start to forgive sooner. That is greatly helped by identifying the wound as an insult to our identity. Ask yourself what conclusions about myself has this trauma lead to? Once this is done, take back authority over it and stop allowing that offence to define you. Others don’t define you, therefore you no longer need to resist and/or punish them. Essentially forgiveness is the realisation that it was more about them then me. Release yourself from the physical and emotional pain caused by unforgiveness and allow yourself to heal today.

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