How do I become more “approachable” as we approach Christmas?

Want to avoid the Christmas party chest-poking by disgruntled colleagues? I’m sharing some common leadership fails (mine) so we can understand what we can do NOW to ensure a happier more loyal workforce this festive season….

I know Christmas is coming because I notice my jaw clenches in that familiar way when I walk into shops. Christmas music. Oh how I hate it. And my body knows exactly how to respond to it. And people wonder why they feel a rise in tension as the festive season ramps up.?

But it served as a useful reminder that Christmas is indeed, coming. And that means Christmas parties. And that often means ONE thing. The alcohol fuelled truths start coming out….

This was confirmed by the lovely? Julie Taylor an employment lawyer from Gardner Leader LLP . In answer to my question “is this a busy time of year” she said, Yes we do see a rise in grievances because they often build up over the year and then the Christmas party becomes the outlet. In fact they wrote a really helpful article about it?here?with some great tips on how to host the Christmas party without it ending up in court.?

I was reflecting on this recently because I’ve been talking about the myth of psychological safety. In theory, if we have psychological safety, everyone feels safe speaking up and therefore grievances don’t build up. So psychological safety is the ANSWER.?

However my hypothesis was, that whilst psychological safety is a noble aim, the reality is it’s REALLY hard to make people feel safe. No matter how many times you tell people it’s safe to speak up, they will often censor themselves anyway, for a multitude of reasons, many of which come from their own beliefs and values. I’m not saying we shouldn’t continually strive towards creating an culture where people speak up. I’m just saying that we are going to need to make some brave choices if we are going get there.?

All of us.?

But I was challenged on this - quite a few people asked me, “how do you expect me to brave when I have a toxic boss.” It saddened me because these people seem to have made their mind up that they will not speak up. Instead they will bottle up that resentment. And save it for the Christmas party.?

They will save it for the chest poking.

I have been at the end of such a chest poking. When people have told me truths I didn’t want to hear. And it bloody hurt. I’d immediately think “why are these people being so hard on me? Can’t they see how much I care, how hard I work at being a good boss. How dare they?”?

I remember asking a colleague why people hadn’t come to me earlier and she said “because they don’t know which Sarah they will get in response.”

And it hit me. “Oh God, I’m so unreasonable that I’ve become completely unapproachable.” Shortly followed by “just how toxic am I?”

And it gave me an unexpected insight.

If you’re like me you don’t get out of bed and say to yourself “today I’m going to be toxic.” “I’m going to create an environment where people feel censored but they won’t tell me that until they’ve drunk enough booze to kill a civvie.”?

The point is nobody sets out to be toxic.?

We are all trying to be the best leaders we can be. If you are reading this article, my hunch is you care a great deal about being a good leader. And I’m sure the idea of being toxic and getting a chest poking horrifies you, as it did me. But if you’re brave enough to read this far then you’re brave enough to keep reading. Because here’s the truth…. there will be times you fall short of the mark. And as someone who has fallen short of the mark too I can assure you, you are not alone. I know now there were times when I make it hard for people to approach me. I made it hard for people to speak up. And I shot them down when they challenged me.?

And I’ll tell you why.?

It was because I didn’t want to hear what they were going to say. Because I was terrified it would confirm what I most feared: that I was a monster.?

Maybe that’s because deep down I knew I was toxic.?

But I think the truth is closer to this; I was scared and I was riddled with self doubt.?

Either way the answer is not beat the shit out of yourself for being imperfect. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying we should tolerate bad behaviour. But self-loathing does NOT lead to self-improvement. Trust me, I’ve tried. The answer is learning to accept yourself as YOU are so you can learn to accept others as THEY are without attaching your own self worth to everything they say.

Here are 5 top tips that most us already know but might need reminding of….

1)You don’t need to have all the answers.?

I know we always say that, but do we really believe it? I wasted many of my years in leadership feeling like I had to have all the answers or I’d expose myself as incompetent or weak. I’d see any suggestions or challenges as a statement of how ineffective I was. So naturally I’d resist this. I HAD to have it all figured out. I now realise that admitting you don’t have all the answers is not only a sign of strength, it’s a bloody smart move. Think about it - we spend all this time recruiting high quality individuals to be in our team. Smart, diligent, capable people who we want to exercise “military judgement.” And then we baulk when they employ individual critical thinking because we are afraid they’ll make us look stupid.?

The only stupid thing is getting lots of clever people in a room and only hearing from one of them.?

So give yourself a break. Other people can have some of the answers. And it’s ok if those answers differ from yours. In fact that’s a GOOD thing, because now you have cognitive diversity on your side.?

2) People probably don’t think as badly of you as you think.?

In fact they probably don’t think of you at all. I can tell you many many stories about when I felt dismissed or criticised me or rejected by people. It’s easy to think of these moments. Because they bloody hurt. So they stick out in our memory. But what about all the times we’ve rejected/undermined/overlooked other people, AND DIDN’T EVEN REALISE. I was reminded of this recently when I launched my first book. My publishers had a great strategy that they were confident would get me into the top 10 on Amazon. I followed their strategy to the letter. On the day of launch I emailed EVERYONE and asked them to buy my book. I was sitting at #94 on the amazon rankings. I checked an hour later. I’d gone to #147. I received a few emails and text messages from people saying they’d bought the book! Woohoo! I checked again. I was #152. I was crestfallen. I had put myself out there, asking for help and I was categorically failing the amazon popularity contest. But then I realised….People HAD helped. They HAD answered my call. I knew this because they’d bothered to text me and email me. And there was a danger that I’d become so absorbed in chasing amazon algorithms that I’d totally overlooked the kindness these people had shown me. In other words, without even realising it I was rejecting the very people who had answered my call. And it reminded me of an important lesson.

?It is VERY easy to miss when we are inadvertently rejecting or diminishing others. And if that’s true for us then it’s true for them too.?

In other words, if you think people are thinking badly of you or deliberately trying to undermine you the truth is probably closer to this - they’re thinking about something else entirely. In others words it’s not a calculated act to make you feel small or unworthy. So think nothing of it and crack on.?

3) No matter how bad it feels, it will pass.?

So let’s say you decide to be brave and ask people to challenge you. And then, shock horror, they actually do. It’s important to acknowledge that EVEN though we know it’s good thing (see point 1) that doesn’t mean we are going enjoy it. It’s going to ignite insecurities in us. We may feel disrespected. We may feel stupid. We may feel powerless. And for all those reasons it will be tempting to put whoever it is back in their box. Because we are programmed to resist pain and to go to extraordinary lengths to avoid a repeated occurence. This is exactly how toxic leadership starts.?

And it’s all because we’ve missed a fundamental truth - we will never stop getting hurt.?

We can save ourselves a lot of bother if we accept this. So rather than channeling energy into this unrealistic aspiration of “I’m ok being criticised, doesn’t hurt at all actually” we can just say “actually it really hurts and that’s ok. I’ll live through it.” Simply put, there is nothing wrong with us for feeling hurt when someone challenges us. We don’t have to resist it. We can learn to tolerate it, which means we don’t have to react to it.?

4) It’s ok to have off days.?

I think the humans beings that I lead/coach/mentor are awesome and they deserve the best version of Sarah. So I’m ALWAYS growing. ALWAYS learning. Always creating a better future. A better Sarah. That is my commitment to the people that I serve. But there IS a balance. We also need to respect and accept ourselves in THIS moment even when things don’t go perfectly. Because we will get things wrong. That’s a fact. I will overreact. I will get stuck on my own agenda. I will roll my eyes when someone shares a view I don’t agree with. I will make all of these mistakes. Because I am human.?

The trick is, when this happens, is not to write yourself off a monster.?

The trick is to remember that we are all human and we are all imperfect. So accept your mistake and apologise. Most people are pretty forgiving if you admit to your mistakes. In fact, they might even be a bit relieved they’re not the only ones making a hash of things from time to time.

5) Everyone is just as scared as you.

I don’t about you but I always believed, whatever I was going through, that I was the only one going through it. Self doubt, fear of failure, fear of rejection, worried about letting people down, worried about being a terrible person, you name it. I’d take every bit of feedback I’d ever had and use it as evidence for all my insecurities. And I’d look at everyone else with envy thinking “if only I had their confidence.” I’d imagine that nobody else knew what it was like to feel like this. That I was the only one who felt like this and therefore it must be true.?

What a load of nonsense.?

I’ve lost count of the amount of hugely capable, dedicated, tough, loyal, lovely people who feel EXACTLY THE SAME WAY. And when they share their fears with me I’m thinking “are you for real, you’re like my total hero.”?

The point is everybody is just as scared as you. And fear manifests itself in different ways. With me it usually shows itself as hostility. With others it might look like arrogance. It might look like micro-managing. It might look like a shyness that could be taken as coolness or even disdain. Or it might even manifest itself as a chest-poking.?

The point is this: if people do chest-poke you there is probably something you can learn from it, for sure. You can choose to leverage that insight to grow into a better version of you. BUT keep in mind that if they are chest-poking you it’s also because they’ve got their own fears and hang-ups. So take responsibility for your part in it. But don’t take responsibility for theirs. Remember we are all just as scared as each other. And we are all trying our best. None of us want to be toxic.?So be kind to yourself. And be kind to those around you.?

Remember all this and you’re much more likely to be approachable. Which means people don’t need to store up their shit and unleash it on you at the Christmas party. Which means we can all focus on what really matters at Christmas parties.?

Photocopying our bums.?

You’re welcome.?

Oh and if you ARE playing Christmas music in your office, please stop this at once.?

Key takeaways

??Grievances build up when people don’t feel that they have a voice.?

??People have many barriers to speaking up, many of which are their own, whether they realise it or not. You can’t do much about people’s internal barriers, but you can make sure you don’t become an external barrier.?

??If you realise that you have been a barrier in the past, that’s a good sign. It means you have the courage to recognise areas for improvement.?

??Beating yourself up for past failures will make you MORE defensive, not less so.

??People can be pretty forgiving provided you remember to say sorry.?

??It’s tough getting feedback and it’s ok to admit that - remember no matter how much it hurts you’ll live through it.?

??Even if you do get robust feedback, people probably don’t hate you as much as you imagine. Unless you play Christmas music. Then that’s on you.?

Sarah Furness is an ex-helicopter pilot and RAF Squadron Leader.?She is the author of the No1 best selling book?Fly Higher, executive coach and keynote speaker.?

Looking for stocking fillers or secret Santa gifts? Why not get some signed copies of Fly Higher - train your mind to feel as strong as you look. Give people the gift of self belief this Christmas. For bulk or signed copies email?[email protected]

Alternatively if you are looking for a speaker for your Christmas event, email?[email protected]. (And ask about “winefulness” if you’d like to incorporate that into the session. Education, motivation and celebration all in one)