How do expectations impact your life?

One of my clients recently shared with me his frustrating relationship with expectations. Through our discussion, he recognized a pattern of thinking that had been going on for years, of creating expectations in his mind of outcomes only to be disappointed when many of them never materialized.

This surfaced again in the process of him looking at other work possibilities. He kept feeling the fear and dialogue of being disappointed one more time.

He asked me a question that had lived in his head for years. Are we even supposed to have expectations, especially if we are continually disappointed?

Unmet expectations can be a real game-changer in our lives, often leading to what I call an expectation deception loop that creates stress and disappointment and can become the #1 cause of self-worth deception.

When we set expectations, especially unrealistic ones, about how we should show up, how others should show up, and how situations should unfold, and when things don't pan out, it can feel like the rug's been pulled out from under us.

This is because expectations are deeply tied to our predictive subconscious’ need to have a sense of control and predictability in life.

My client, had quickly created a subconscious unmovable expectation of getting the new job. There is nothing wrong with this. It gives hope and something to work towards. His deception came because of where he went in his mind.

His imagination lived in what life would be like when he got the job. No more lousy bosses, negative environment, stress, and more money.

This, then became a subconscious lens through which he filtered everything he saw and what he had to control and protect-- the interviewer, their responses both verbal and non-verbal, the timing of email correspondence, and getting the job and protecting his self-worth.

In this mental space, his subconscious can become hyper-focused on anything that threatens his control of the expected outcome like a slow response or anticipated email, a lack of smiles, body posture, the not-so-interesting tone of voice from the interviewer, etc.

If any of this occurs, and it almost always does, a mental subconscious tsunami hits, and a free-fall into catastrophe, fight, flight, or freeze occurs. He wasn’t good enough, he must have said something wrong, or they didn’t understand just how good he was, etc. When in reality, the interviewer was on vacation for a week.

He was focused on trying to control the outcomes but missing the understanding that what he really could control and what his expectations were to be focused on was how he showed his preparation, his attitude, his resiliency, and his value-driven focus.

Focusing our imagination and thoughts on what we can control--how we show up, and how we respond, can keep us out of expectation and self-worth deception.

If you are frustrated by expectations falling short, reach out, and let’s talk.