How to Discuss the Elephant in the Room

It’s been a hard few weeks. After a hard few months, after a hard few years. We’ve experienced so much: Covid, George Floyd, anti-Asian hate, political upheaval, the invasion in Ukraine, mass shootings again and again. And that’s just what’s going on in the world; individual organizations are dealing with the loss of team members, turnover, family crises, high levels of uncertainty about reopening and the future of work, and more.

I spoke about all of this recently at a conference—a stage and floodlights, 600 people in suits before me eating steak and Caesar salad. I wasn’t prepared for the tears. One woman could barely speak afterward as she came up to thank me. An organizer told me that he, too, had cried. He said it was the first time in two years that someone had acknowledged how hard this has been. It can be cathartic to feel seen.?

As we return to the office with happy hours and cupcakes, I fear we are failing to acknowledge the real pain that people have experienced, and are continuing to experience. When there are issues that are affecting people that no one feels comfortable raising, they can become elephants in the room, silently looming over everything:?A supervisor’s refusal to address the fact that half the team has quit in the past six months. A deafening silence and business as usual after a horrific tragedy in the world.?

Ignoring a hard issue doesn’t make it go away. Instead, the issue festers, and can give way to gossip, uncertainty, fear, and isolation. Much better to address the tough topic head on and allow room for people to express their thoughts and feelings, even where they may be messy.?

I am sometimes brought in by organizations to help them have hard conversations. With a little forethought and planning, conversations on difficult subjects can be managed in a productive and thoughtful way that brings issues into the open for examination and address, fosters connection, and acknowledges the experience of group members. Here’s how to do it.

1. Welcome.

Welcome people into the discussion with a mellow, easy question for the group. An ice breaker is good: “What did you do last weekend?” “I need a new show to watch. What have you liked recently?”

2. Set the path.

Lay out a clear path for the conversation. Be explicit in shifting the discussion to the more difficult topic. “It’s been such a hard week and I want to create an opportunity for people to talk about it.” “I know there have been a lot of thoughts about how the office reopening is going and I wanted to discuss that this morning.”?After that, go over the ground rules. “No one has to share anything if they don’t want. If you do want to share, it’s fine to raise your hand, then unmute, or to share in the chat.” “We have some other things to cover today, as well, so we’ll try to limit the discussion to around thirty minutes.”

3. Go first.

Start off the discussion yourself by modeling that it is okay to say hard things. You could say, “I haven’t been able to tear myself away from twitter and it was hard to get going this morning. I'm just so devastated.” Another example could be something like, “I’ve been frustrated myself about some of the inconsistent information we’ve been receiving.” It’s also wise to note that your reaction isn’t the only right one: “I’m sure other people are experiencing this differently.”?

4. Ask the question.

Next, invite in conversation with a specific, open-ended question: “How are you feeling?” “What’s it been like for you?” It can also help to provide two things people could answer, for instance, “I’d love to hear from folks what your experience has been with the transition to the office or whether you feel like you’ve gotten enough support as you’re doing it.”?

5. Stop talking.

Then: stop. Force yourself not to fill the silence that follows. I often take a drink to keep myself from talking because it can be uncomfortable when no one says anything right away. People need a second to think before they speak, and if they’re typing in the chat, that takes even longer. Give some time for people to respond.

6. Acknowledge.

Once others start sharing, make sure you acknowledge each person who speaks. “That’s a great point, Margo.” “I can definitely relate, Jack.” “Did everyone see Jordan’s comment in the chat? Thanks for sharing that story.” This can be tricky sometimes, especially if the conversation is going quickly, but try to loop back and make sure everyone feels heard. For instance, you could say, “I really see that point about the challenges of having some people remote and others in the office. Marina, Dave, Victor, and Ali, thanks for sharing your experiences.”?

7. End well.

Let people know that the conversation is ending soon (“we’ve got about five more minutes”) and invite any last thoughts. Thank everyone for participating, and then you can move on to the rest of the meeting.

If we’re going to be authentic at work, we have to be willing to talk about the hard, messy, uncomfortable feelings we sometimes have. Approaching such conversations with forethought and a desire to listen can foster an open and supportive environment where each person feels seen, valued, and heard.?And that makes for a better working environment for all of us.