How Dirty Dishes Transformed My Connection with My Kids

As a mother, it's my duty to nurture responsible, contributing citizens of the world, isn't it?

To help instill these values, I envisioned a brilliant concept for our household: Kitchen Duty. It was elegantly simple – someone would oversee the kitchen, ensuring the dishwasher was unloaded promptly, enabling everyone to easily tend to their own used dishes ensuring a tidy kitchen. It appeared to be a neat, uncomplicated, and beautiful strategy. But that was NOT the reality!

Coming home stressed and weary from work, I was consistently met with a mountain of dirty dishes in the kitchen. I hate dishes on the counter. The warm greetings, the conversations about our respective days, and any gratitude for each other's daily efforts vanished into thin air. I was pissed off! And the age-old adage, 'When Momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy,' couldn't have been more apt. The irritation and frustration spilled onto my interactions with my kids. I wasn't the patient, loving mom I aspired to be. Now, not only did I have to clean up the kitchen before preparing dinner, but I felt like a failure as a mother. Have you ever felt that way?

Meanwhile, I was studying Byron Katie's teachings, where she shared a story about her son's socks on the floor. She realized she was the only one bothered by it, so she simply picked them up.

I had a powerful revelation, the only person truly bothered by those dirty dishes was me. The only one weighed down by the mess was me – aside from the not-so-kind version of myself that was tormenting everyone else over the state of the kitchen. So, I made a choice. A simple one, but one that would lead to something unexpected and extraordinary.

I decided to stop complaining and do the dishes.

Unloading the dishwasher took mere minutes, and suddenly, I was more at ease. The task didn't take much time and I didn't mind doing it. More importantly, I could now recognize all the ways my kids were being responsible. They weren’t defying me; they were simply managing their commitments to school and extracurricular activities and contributing in their own unique ways. I was not a terrible mother who was failing them.

Most significantly, this change restored precious time for us. When I came home we would talk, I could learn about their day and genuinely connect. After all, isn't that our beloved desire?

By relinquishing my grip on the dishes and the plan I had, we transformed the atmosphere in our home. They even started doing the dishes voluntarily. It was an opportunity for me to see things from a different perspective.

This experience taught me the importance of questioning the stories we create in our minds. In each moment, we can ask ourselves, 'What is the truth here?' The truth was that, in the grand scheme of things, the dishes weren't that important. It didn't make me a bad mom, and it didn't mean my kids were lazy or unhelpful. It allowed me to confront the stories I had woven around my frustrations and recognize that the true priority lay in the connection I have with my children.

What's even more intriguing is that many of these stories aren't even our own. They're inherited narratives from society and culture, imprinted on us from a young age. We often accept them without question, and it's only when we challenge them that we discover our own truths. The act of questioning becomes a liberating practice, an ongoing journey towards self-discovery.

The more we question, the more space we create for new perspectives. It might take some time to catch ourselves in the act of storytelling, but it's worth every effort. I spent weeks stewing over those dishes, but eventually, I broke free. So, where in your life can you release the grip of old narratives and embrace the freedom to connect and love without constraint? It's a journey I invite you to embark on.

So, I ask you: Where in your life can you grant yourself a reprieve, choose to see things differently and open up space for love and connection?

Sometimes it's the simplest shifts that lead to the most profound transformations.