How to Differentiate between Gaslighting & Bullshitting

There was an interesting thread of responses on Bertha Henson’s wall regarding the distinction between gaslighting and bullshit. (Thanks Bertha for kicking off the useful public convo. I appreciated it!). It provoked such a number of honestly felt responses that I felt sobered at how many people must have experienced it to know it well. I wrote this originally as a Facebook comment on that thread but lengthened it into this article.

I think it is important for us to see the distinction between "gaslighting" and "bullshitting" so we don’t misuse the words. When we use the term gaslighting lightly or mistakenly, actual victims of gaslighting can be dismissed. This to me is unacceptable because gaslit victims have gone through enough abuse.

Gaslighting is a calculated manipulation of a victim’s sense of reality so the victim starts to doubt their own credibility, perception, reality etc. A gaslit victim feels more and more confused and alone in that confusion. When a victim realises what has happened, they usually experience shock, validation and deep grief.

If someone was bullshitting you, they are just plain lying to you vs lying AND manipulating your sense of reality. So you don’t feel confused as you’re being bullshitted, you just go about your life gladly and unknowingly. When you wake up from being bullshitted, you get angry. You don’t go into grief and validation because your perception of reality wasn’t deeply played around with.

Once you’ve been gaslit, you never ever forget it and gaslit victims usually suffer it at the hands of manipulative, abusive and narcissistic friends, families, colleagues even bosses that they trusted even loved. It’s deeply, deeply painful.

For example,

• a bullshitting adulterous spouse might lie outrageously to his suspicious spouse, “I love you honey. Of course I’m not having an affair, I love you.”
• a bullshitting cheating boss might lie outrageously to his upset subordinate, "Oh wow, of course I am going to look into it, John. Thank you for telling me the issue. I will do something about it."

It’s bad but it’s not gaslighting-bad. Compare it to this:

• A manipulative gaslighting adulterous spouse might say stuff like, “Honey, your suspicions of me are so hurtful. I think this is about your own sense of inadequacy from your childhood, watching your parents’ marriage fall apart. I’m not your father/mother, I hope you don’t project your insecurities on me. I feel sad that you always doubt me. You know it triggers me. Shall we seek therapy so we can work on our marriage?”
• A manipulative gaslighting cheating boss might say stuff like, "John, you're making a mountain out of a molehill - you simply don't understand the way this project works. I get it, it's complex and you're not that experienced. I have to say - you raising questions all the time without proper understanding really slows things down and it has made many people on this team struggle to work with you. Are you sure it's a good thing to keep focusing on stuff that's not in your lane?"

A gaslighter is likely to do DARVO:

• Denial
• Accusation
• Reverse Victim & Offender

This sort of mind trickery really causes victim to feel terrible about themselves and filled with self doubt about whether they have a right to be angry, sad etc.

This is why it can take a long while for gaslit victims to get out of gaslighting situations vs victims of bullshitters.

Once you smell the bullshit, you’re out. But gaslighting is kind of like carbon monoxide poisoning. Carbon monoxide gas is colourless and does not smell, so you cannot always tell if it is around you. You do feel bouts of queasiness and unease here and there. But it deceives you that nothing is wrong and maybe it’s you and your sense of smell - until it knocks you out or someone drags you out.? Or you wake up and attend to your early warning signs and see that something could be very very wrong.

Be kind to genuine victims of gaslighting and don’t be afraid to gently correct any friends who misuse the gaslighting term - this is mainly so that more of us can make sure real victims never have to feel belittled or doubted again.

Once you see or experience gaslighting in a personal or professional setting, you cannot unsee it. It's despicable, it needs to be better dealt with - and the first step is to recognise and name it for the highly damaging behaviour that it is.

Resources for people asking for them:

Dr Ramani Durvasala: What is Gaslighting

From a therapist with a focus on how it looks like in relationship with a narcissistic person

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=lLsH2NJD1Vo

Dr Alison Cook: What is Gaslighting

For a Christian therapist’s take

https://open.spotify.com/episode/11dSJhCeYuOk6fJJq3sHB3...