How did things turn out after the marriage? Few necessary steps you can follow to rediscover yourself and the relationship. Part-II

Introduction

Everyone dreams about a happening beautiful relationship with their spouse. They get married, and after a few days, months or sometimes years, there are so many minor frequent problems, or one loses the charm of the initial days. Sounds familiar?

These problems may be more familiar with a love marriage than an arranged marriage.

Numerous examples can be found. The separation happened to some, and some were dragged along without happiness. In the meanwhile, few exceptional couples have ever had youthful relations.

What happened to most of the couples? Is marriage the end of love? Do we have any measures to overcome these situations? In the previous article, I tried to elaborate on the basics of love and relationship. I also cover some principles like “Take 100% responsibility”, “Gratitude and appreciation”, and “Do tasks together”.??If you did not read it, please go through “Part-I” before embarking on it. Today we will roam around the other necessary measures to strengthen ourselves and our relationship.

PERSONAL SPACE FOR YOUR SPOUSE:

“A little space, time, and distance can often be just what a relationship needs to bloom at its best.”?— Karen Salmansohn.

It is essential to notice that when you want to throw an arrow, you need to pull the trigger back first. Practically speaking, it is necessary to give space to your spouse. It is even more beneficial if you can detach yourself from yourself.

Getting closer to an object will magnify some definite spot or function. To have a holistic view, you need to go apart. This distance will enhance the growth of the root of the relationship. You should have space for your development. It would be best if you were involved in some exercise, gratitude journaling, affirmation, or meditation to have an incredible body, mind, and soul. At the same time, you should encourage your spouse to do activities they will find meaningful. At that time, could you take responsibility for the daily chores? Love or marriage is a co-evolution to the co-elevation journey. You have two options: either accelerate the journey by giving space and time or interfere in all aspects to ruin it. In Formula one car racing, the car stops at a particular time to optimise the performance towards the best possible result, not merely after the tank is emptied or there is a problem.

Like anything, the relationship also needs updation, self-reflective time to assess and reassess to go together miles before you sleep.

Your spouse should have their own life. It would be best if you encouraged them to allow them outside with their friends and colleagues. You must be happy to see the growth of your spouse, not jealous.?

To understand clearly, you should discuss the following week's schedule beforehand. This will remove the ambiguity of taking responsibility for some tasks. At the same time, you can encourage or help your spouse with a particular topic, project, or even household work.

EVERYONE IS IMPERFECTLY PERFECT:

“If you look closely at a tree you’ll notice it’s knots and dead branches, just like our bodies. What we learn is that beauty and imperfection go together wonderfully”. – Matthew Fox

If you search for perfection in each individual, you will be disappointed. No one is perfect. There is nothing perfect. You have to look at the whole. There will be flaws everywhere. Your spouse, according to you, may have some good qualities you cherish. At the same time, you may feel disgusted at the weird attributes. Now you have a choice of how to look into these.?

For example, I am not fluent in English and make many grammatical mistakes in any write-up. My wife always tries to correct or to get involved in those. Now I have two choices: I can feel irritated, jealous or angry about this, or I would rather see this as an opportunity to improve my English. It is up to me. You can think of any situation. Suppose your wife does not like any praise of you made by your female colleague or vice versa. You may complain about it and feel unhappy, or you can feel the immense love of your wife.?

This does not mean you have to accept everything. No. If something bothers you, you'll need to have an open discussion. You'll need to create a friendly atmosphere to start the conversation and clarify critical points. If you harshly make the comments and then conclude, there is no point in a meeting. This indicates that any situation outside your comfort zone pushes you towards success.

There is a Japanese philosophy called “Wabi-Sabi”. This implies Accepting what is, staying in the present moment, and appreciating life's simple, transient stages. “Uketamo” means humbly accepting to the core. Once you accept, there will be freedom. When there is freedom, there will be growth. So the starting point is acceptance. If a plate or teapot slips from your hand and breaks into pieces, you tend to replace it with a new one. But according to an ancient art that stems from the “wabi-sabi” philosophy, the parts are brought together and glued with liquid gold (Kintsugi). The scars have their own stories. Should we hide them? Or we should celebrate them as our awakening or transformations. The failures, the setbacks, and the so-called imperfection in a relationship allow you to learn, conquer, and surpass the societal expectation of normalcy to extraordinary. You can rewrite the problem statement into a growth statement. Example: “My wife spends a lot”. This can be changed into empowering message: “My wife motivates me to increase my income”. I do not justify the spending. This needs to be discussed, as already mentioned. The problem, the budget, the constraints, everything should be addressed to resolve. I don’t recommend blaming your spouse in front of others. You both are pretty mature in solving the issue.

There will be an imbalance. There are some problems in every relationship. There should be. Otherwise, life will be very much predictable. Consider the problems or imperfections as the spice of life. Suppose you don’t want to face them. In that case, there are three options: consider everything is all right and stay together (worst outcome), get separated (you will meet the same issue if you are again involved in another relationship. But at least there will not be much bitterness) and lastly work on yourself first to choose the right way of thinking. Discuss the problem with your spouse with empathy. Accept there is a gap, and both work on it.?

BUILD TRUST AND RESPECT:

“Respect is an invention of people who want to cover up the empty place where love should be.” – Leo Tolstoy.

The fundamental glue that holds any relationship together is trust.” Brian Tracy.

The two pillars of a relationship are trust and respect. These fundamental qualities are the essential ingredients for a healthy, wealthy relationship. It is more than just an easy task. If you can create a world of trust, then there will be a safe environment where you and your spouse can share important facts and past experiences which you both felt essential to disclose. This atmosphere will not judge anyone; you can discuss your perspectives. This implies underlying respect. If you are respectful to yourself and others, you develop a habit of listening without judgement, without the feeling to speak at any point or preparing your speech during your spouse is talking. You hear and listen attentively without doing anything else.

A happy married life demands quality time to spend together. It is not merely co-existing. It is not about sharing screen time on television. It discusses small things like the menu of the day and groceries. It also entails the larger goals, planning of the future, budget, dreams and everything that builds the root of a family. You name it, and it is crucial.?

It is ok not to be ok. It is ok to disagree. Your perspective and your spouse’s perspective may differ. You and your intention should not be judged. The execution of the same thing may differ. If you respect each other and respect each other’s boundaries, you will be able to create a prosperous and evolving marriage life. It would be best if you also safeguarded your spouse’s feelings.?

In the following article few other crucial principles will be discussed. Until then, build the muscle of respect and trust, accept the imperfection perfectly, and give your spouse the necessary space.

References:

1.?????Kumar, Dr Girish S.?The Marriage Mantra: 10 Guiding Principles to Build a Beautiful Marriage.