How did I go from a badass, confident woman to a terrified girl, paralyzed with fear in my boss's office?

It started as a few little red flags and turned into a flaming cloud of red. On the defining day my boss had asked me to come to his office.

The windowless office was barely big enough for both of us.

I felt trapped in the corner.

Every muscle in my body wanted to get up and just walk out, but I was frozen to the seat.

This man was powerful.

He held a lot of clout in my organization.

And he was a bully.

He leaned into my personal space and stared me down.

I could smell his breath.

His left eye twitched as his mouth snarled into a smirk.

“Who’s your boss?”, he said.

I stumbled.? “What?!”

“Say that I’m your boss!” he whispered.

Somehow the whisper was scarier than if he had screamed at me.

He stared.

The silence was deafening.

His face was turning redder.

I could see his heart beating in his neck.

A slight perspiration collecting on his brow.

I was in a dress, uncomfortably aware of my bare knees all too close to his.

I felt the lump in my throat as tears threatened to fall.

And yet there was a defiance underneath the fear.

A last refuge of my pride telling me to sit up straight and not take this shit.

Then I heard myself say the words.

As if they weren’t my own, like someone else was talking.

I repeated what he’d asked me to.

I repeated it twice in fact.

“You are my boss”

“You are my boss”

It was disgusting, but I knew it was my way out of the room.

He smiled.

A slimy, perverted smile.

He was pleased.

He had won.

I had submitted.

He added a few last words and dismissed me.

My knees felt weak as I stood.

It was as if I was watching myself walk away.

I turned down the hall with a sickening shame swirling in my stomach.

I hung my head low thankful that the halls were empty.

I couldn’t believe I had let that happen.

I felt like I might be sick.

My face and neck were stinging with heat.

Then my flight response kicked in.

I needed to get out of there.

From the safety of my car? I took a few deep breaths and let the tears come.

I closed my eyes and laid my head back.

“Just breathe.” I repeated to myself over and over until my heart rate slowed.

Then I shoved it down and went home.

Like so many times before.

This wasn’t the first time this man had made me feel terribly uncomfortable.

He was a practiced bully.

Just enough abuse to rattle you, but not enough to make you credible over his powerful position.

If I wanted to keep my job I would have to suck it up.

I justified that as long as it didn’t cross an imaginary line then I was fine.

The problem is that the line gets confusing when this is your daily experience.

And then you start to feel like this is normal.

This is what everyone deals with.?

I wasn’t the only one dealing with this guy.

Maybe it was my fault.

Maybe I could do something differently.

I was constantly pushing his buttons.? Maybe I should just be quiet, not ask questions.

If I make myself really small maybe he won’t bother me.

And that’s when it hit me.

This is an abusive relationship.

I’m making excuses for my abuser.

I’m blaming myself.

I feel isolated and stuck with no way out.

And the damage was showing in me.

I was changing.

The once bold, dynamic, positive me was now guarded, fearful and tentative.

That day in his office was a turning point for me.

As I drove home that night I decided enough was enough.

I made a decision.

I was done with this.

It wasn’t easy.

It took months to resolve.

In the meantime I went back to that environment every day.

I endured the power plays and the backstabbing.

And then once it’s “over”, you discover that the damage isn’t so easily swept under the rug.

It took several more months and years to get back to myself again.

I still have experiences now that remind me of him and all the old feelings come rushing back.

But here’s the deal…

Once you’ve made it through adversity you demand better for yourself.

You rebuild yourself.

You are stronger on the other side.

(I know that’s hard to see when you are in the middle of the mess, but trust me!)

The truth is, a lot of women deal with this kind of shit at work every day.

Ambitious women are no stranger to adversity.

It comes in small doses like lack of support from your leaders, microaggressions and unwritten rules that are not in your favor.

And in big doses like bully bosses and toxic, bias filled work environments.

Every ambitious woman faces a choice at some point in her career.

Accept these limitations and get comfortable in the box.

Or break the mold.

It’s exhausting trying to fit in the box.

Especially when you’re meant to break the mold.

So which are you?

Are you meant to soar above the crowd and rain sunshine down on your world?

Are you meant to do big things that make a real difference?

Are you meant to break the mold and build a thriving career you love on your own terms?

No matter what’s happened to you, the future is always yours.

No matter how hard it’s been, you can still create the life you want.

It’s never too late.

So to those women out there who’ve been through adversity at work please know…

You are not alone.

You are not defined by the things that have happened to you.

You are destined for more when you’re ready.

Not sure where to start? Join me this week for an inspiring and practical session to help you make your next big move.

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