How to Demoralize Your Employees & Destroy their Self-Esteem

A 5-step, easy-to-follow guide any manager can follow, with indicators to measure progress. Read to the end.

In a world of self-help listicles and how-to life manuals, very few touch on how we can effectively & systematically cripple our direct reports at an emotional level. If you’re a manager who’d like to sap creativity from your employees and dismantle their self-esteem, welcome aboard.

*** Please note: While there is satire in this story, it is not my intention to encourage the practice of demoralizing employees and destroying their self-esteem. This story does, however, contain my own real-life experiences and others, as told to me by my colleagues. It is meant to bring to the surface the awful and damaging attitudes being demonstrated by some of today's managers and hopefully leads us to change.

Step 1: Find subtle ways to put them down

One of the sneakiest (albeit easiest) ways to demoralize your direct reports is to find opportunities to put them down without saying it directly. Human Resources hasn’t caught on to this little trick…thank goodness. You’d be surprised just how easily you can fit these in during the day.

For instance, if you notice they have a nicely arranged stack of books on their desk or you catch a glimpse of their bookshelf on a Zoom call, say something like:

“You know, those books don’t make you look any smarter.”

It works even better if their coworkers are present or are at least in earshot of your comment.

Prefacing your comments with,?“You know…”?is essential too — don’t leave that out. It reinforces the thought in their mind that it really is something they should already know about themselves. It takes their credibility and self-worth down a notch but it won't get you into trouble.

Stay subtle though, we don’t need HR involved. Don’t outright tell them they’re dumb — package up your comment with a smile — do it in a joking manner and it’ll slip under the radar as a well-timed sting. It will go right over the heads of everyone else.

Look for more opportunities like that and repeat the process.

Measuring the results from step 1

What you say will begin to consume their every thought. Both inside and outside the office they’ll start to think,?“Am I dumb?”?Your words, like ethereal daggers, will haunt them when their head hits the pillow and when they put their shoes on in the morning.

Putting them down is a good start, but you’re not done…let’s keep going.

Step 2: Let them know early and often the trouble they’re causing

This one is easiest to do to your employees when they’re first starting out. As your direct reports are learning the ropes and taking on new projects, it’s inevitable they’re going to screw a few things up — and that’s the perfect time to strike.

Plan your attack carefully, but deliberately. When you know they’re struggling and in over their heads, or simply fresh on the job and making their first mistakes, stroll on over and tuck this beauty in:

“You know, you sure are causing us a lot of heartburn.”

Again, this one lands better if their teammates are around to hear but you can pull them aside and do it too. You have the authority, assert it! They need to know just how difficult they’re making things for you.

Measuring the results from step 2

Their heart will race at all hours of the day. Thoughts of depression and anxiety seep in. They won’t sleep and their health will slowly decay. They’ll start to ignore their kids, their wife, friends, and even their own self-care. They’ll put on a good face at work because they have to, but inside they’ll be fighting thoughts of worthlessness and shame.

We’re warming up…on to step 3.

Step 3: Don’t use their name, use their title

This one is a big no-no. You didn’t hire a friend, you hired a direct report. They answer to you and they’re beholden to the commands and directives you give. You are in charge and they need to know it. The moment you let that slide and any ounce of kindness slips in, you’ve failed as a manager.

DON’T BE VULNERABLE.

EVER.

This includes using their name — don’t use it — use their title. If by some awful circumstance (heaven forbid) you find yourself in a meeting needing their input or advice, here’s the best way to address them:

“Yeah, [insert their job title], what do you think?”

They’ll feel like they get to contribute, but you won’t have to use their name. When they respond, you’ll hate listening to them. You’ll detest every word that comes out of their mouth. You’ll wonder why you even said yes to hiring them, but at least you won’t have to utter their name. You can associate their idiot comments with their title and it’ll make you feel better.

As an added jab, when they’re responding to the question, don’t pay attention. They’ll likely not have anything good to add to the conversation anyway.

Measuring the results from step 3

They’ll walk around with their head down a lot like they’ve got their feelings hurt, and they’ll stay quiet. They’ll think they must be the only one receiving this treatment from you. So far so good.

They’ll watch precious moments slip away right before their eyes at home. They’ll try to tell themselves they have to keep going, that they have to be a provider, suck it up, and stick it out. They’ll blame themselves.

It’s proof your techniques for demoralization and annihilation of their self-esteem are working.

But step 4 is where things really start to get juicy.

Step 4: Show no interest in them or their goals

A difficulty you’ll face as a manager is that Human Resources might have a system in place to evaluate the performance of your direct reports. Do the bare minimum to keep your job but do not show any concern, whatsoever, with their career goals.

Their professional aspirations get you nowhere.

Your employee may read some stupid article about psychological safety in the workplace. Those articles are everywhere right now. Don’t let them bring that garbage into your department. The second you allow it, you’re running a daycare full of cry-babbies and emotional whiners that want to feel safe to fail around you.

Blah. Hire adults.

Hire subordinates that don’t need a one-on-one to chat. That’s why we have therapists. Hire adults that will take orders, get work done, and leave you alone. Hire adults whose work serves to make you look good.

They may try to look for a different role in a separate department too. That’s fine, then you don’t have to deal with them anymore, but don’t encourage it. Don’t waste your time asking what their career goals are — questions like that don’t benefit you.

And avoid the following question at all costs.

Don’t ever ask:

“How are you?”

Not even a variation of it. Keep your conversations with them strictly businesses-related. Don’t show any consideration of their overall state of well-being. What they did over the weekend shouldn’t matter to you and it was probably something uninteresting anyway.

Be careful of the small talk they initiate with you. They’re going to try and share their hobbies, interests, and motivations to befriend you but you can’t fall for it.

What’s more, if your team is displaced by a worldwide pandemic and working remotely for the unforeseen future, don’t check in on your employees to see how they’re doing. It’s a waste of your precious time and is pointless to the role of a manager.

Whew…that was a big one…here’s how you’ll know you’re being successful.

Measuring the results from step 4

At this point, they’re likely seeking emotional support from professionals. Their life is in disarray, they hate their job, and dread waking up each morning. Chaos, disorder, frustration, pain, sickness, and sadness occupy their thoughts most of the time. They stop caring altogether.

Somehow?(God only knows how), they get their work done.

Your corruptive nature is magically weaving its way into their very soul, yanking their self-esteem from its pedestal. Widespread apathy governs their day and you’re not even done with them.

Now to top it off with step 5.

Step 5: Proudly wear your apparent discontent for life and self on your face

Nobody needs to know your personal story and you should keep it that way. What you have going on at home, the things that happened in your past, the way you were brought up — don’t ever talk about that stuff at work. Managers have no place endearing themselves to their employees.

You can, however, wear the anger and discontent for life on your face. Bring that attitude of hatred and malice each day. Don’t smile or bring joy into your work. That gives way to the psychological safety seekers and that can’t be tolerated.

Rather than talk about the things you’re struggling with, constantly complain about everything and everyone. It’s the easiest way to hide what you’ve got going on and it brings order to your domain.

Make this one thing very clear by repeating it with your team:

“I work with a bunch of idiots.”

Own that phrase. Say it. Believe it. Embrace it for the truth it holds. It reinforces your role as manager and allows you to keep your direct report under your tyrannical thumb.

Measuring the results from step 5

At this point, your direct report hates themself. They see themselves as a failure, useless at their job, incapable of growing, and a disgrace to their family.?What’s more, and to your credit, these feelings are multiplying across the team and bubbling up into the lives of more employees.

You’ve done it. You’ve obliterated any sense of worth your direct report once had. You should be proud of your accomplishment.

Take note of what worked well, then go on to do this to more employees. Heck, why not implement these principles within your own family? You have an exciting, fulfilling life ahead of you!

The Satire of the Story

Hopefully, you didn’t make it to step 5 and still think this was serious. It’s not. The purpose of this article is to deliver a message.?Managers should in no way act or treat direct reports in the ways outlined above.?It’s appalling to think individual contributors are subjected to such behavior…but unfortunately, many still are. These are my own, real-life, lived experiences and those told to me by my close friends and colleagues.

Monster.com ran a?2018 survey ?and revealed 76% of workers left their employer because of a?toxic boss.

In another 2018 finding,?Forbes referenced ?an?O.C. Tanner report , revealing that:

“79 percent of people who quit their jobs cite ‘lack of appreciation’ as their reason for leaving.”

Forbes strengthens that research with a bold and all-too-familiar statement:

“People don’t leave companies. They leave bosses.”

It’s sad to think that only?53% of workers would describe themselves as satisfied overall with their jobs . In 2018,?155.76 million people ?were employed in the United States. That means nearly 80 million people are unsatisfied with their jobs. Ouch. We can do better.

A call to action

What can be done? Should we leave it to karma to come back and bite them? What’s the point of even writing these stories if the most toxic people that need to read them don’t care, won’t ever read this material, and refuse to change? That is the point and the answer.

Be the change you wish you could see in them.

Share your story. Write about the subtle ways in which you’re being put down. Be the one to take?action to relieve yourself of the toxicity. You’re not alone in feeling demoralized. Build your network genuinely and consistently. Be above the toxic leadership that still plagues the walls of many businesses.

Learn what you can do ?—?Chris Sowers over on Medium has some great advice on turning miserable situations into tolerable ones.

“The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials.” — Chinese Proverb

Set a standard for how we should be. Wear a smile proudly on your face as you deliver quality results. Work with open lines of communication and be an active listener. If your toxic manager can’t see your value, demonstrate it to others and they’ll start to notice.?Be trustworthy, kind, self-aware, and emotionally intelligent, and don’t try to change them…be the change.

Your life and your well-being are worth it.

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This article was originally published on Medium by Mike Curtis in The You Experience publication.

Mike Curtis is a Sr. UX Designer helping amplify people & products through design. He is the author of?The You Design System ?which teaches how to design?The UX of You. With 21+ years of design, marketing, e-commerce, and UX experience, his passion is helping people & businesses apply their skills to the way they’re experienced by others. Connect with him on?LinkedIn ,?Instagram ,?Twitter , or follow his writing on?Medium .

#ux #management #design #leadership