How To Demolish Your Professional Brick-wall - One Brick At A Time!

How do you eat an elephant? Simple! One bite at a time! How do you demolish a brick-wall? Very simple! One brick at a time. Unfortunately for some professionals who experience ineffective interpersonal skills – or poor people skills – they freeze when confronted with the knowledge that their poor people skills are a barrier or brick-wall to their professional advancement and worklife satisfaction.

Effective People Skills are more powerful than most people understand, simply because together they represent the various characteristics and competencies that allow us to play well with others. And the ability to play well with others is essential to a successful and happy worklife. While these characteristics and competencies may appear as fuzzy concepts such as ‘likeability,’ or having a ‘good personality,’ when we start to delve into what makes someone ‘likable,’ for instance, we discover that often these attributes come in the form of effective, accurate and persuasive interpersonal skills. And there is no doubt about it - individuals with excellent interpersonal skills rise to the top - in their careers, in their organizations, and in their personal life! And who doesn’t want that?

You Can Change The Situation!

As is the nature of our human existence we become better at certain things overtime. Whether it is our ability to develop a coherent understanding about a complex idea, or our ability to detect dysfunctional behaviors and tendencies within our self and others, we simply improve with experience. Very few of us however feel confident all of the time about every challenge we must confront. And in most cases, not having all the answers all the time is simply just the way things are. As we move through life however we are better able to accept ambiguity and to appreciate our individual strengths and recognize our weaknesses and ask for help. Also, depending on the challenge, we either adjust our expectations, learn an important new skill, or, if we have the option, we find someone – a coach, mentor, or partner – whose strengths can augment or complement our needs. In short, we reach out and get help. Simple, right? Unfortunately, improving your interpersonal skills is a different kettle of fish altogether – as no one else can do it for you – and you simply have to learn how to do it yourself.

Breaking It Down

Demolishing your “poor people skills” brick-wall is a hard task simply because we always don’t know what we don’t know about our self. Tackling anything as complicated as a dysfunctional behavior for the first time can be mystifying, even scary. When the stakes are high, and your career success depends upon the outcome, every mistake and setback can seem insurmountable. But like most things, your people skills are not that complicated when tackled one piece at a time (or one bite/brick at a time). The key is to break down the larger goal into small, manageable tasks, and to move forward at whatever pace feels comfortable to you. After all, no one learns to cook by first preparing a five-course epicurean delight. And certainly no one starts a new wellness program by first running a marathon. You just have to start from where you are, and demolish the brick-wall (barrier) one brick at a time and then build from there. Although I can tell you that taking the first step and recognizing or identifying your own brick-wall is often the hardest part of the process.

Things To Consider

When you are tackling your poor people skills for the first time, I want you to know a few things:

• No one can do the work for you, but committing to a process helps – and it will be easier than you think.
• Whatever your situation, regardless of how bad you think things are (or you have been told they are) you can move forward from whatever point you are at right now.
• It will feel amazing once you get started – and you might even have fun along the way! Remember – there is only one way to eat an elephant – and that is one bite at a time! So grab your utensils and get ready!

Ask Yourself Honestly…. Are Your People Skills Holding You Back Professionally?

If you are still uncertain about how high your brick- wall is, then take a look at the following comments and see if any of these conditions or insights sounds like you…

• Feel Like You Are Missing Something About How To “Develop” Interpersonal Relationships?
• Feeling Like You Have Missed Out On Part Of The Conversation
• Frustrated Because Other Are More Influential Than You Even Though You Are Smarter?
• Frustrated Because Others Are More Successful Than You Even Though You Work Harder?
• Frustrated Because You Can’t Figure Out How To “Connect” With Your Colleagues?
• No One Gives You The “Full Picture” About What You Need To Do To Gt Along With Your Colleagues!
• Spending 90% Of Your Time Trying To Figure Out What To Do With Your Work Relationships
• The Harder You Work At Trying To Be A Better People Person The More Frustrated You Become
• The More Stuff You Try The Worse It Gets!
• You Are Loosing Your Time, Creativity, Energy, Even Money And Health, Instead Of Increasing Your Influence, Joy And Career Success Because Of Poor People Skills
• You Feel Like There Is An Invisible Barrier In Your Professional Life That Is Holding You Back
• You Really Want To Enjoy Better Relationships At Work With Minimum Stress And Anxiety

Empowerment - In Three Steps

Whatever your starting point, however high your brick-wall is, whatever your goal, if you move forward step by step, even large goals become possible. I have found this advice to be true for all my coaching clients, but especially for the really gifted ones in complex and challenging professions such as engineering, science and technology. Why? Because people who are trained in the art and science of problem solving recognize that every problem or challenge is simply a compilation of any number of smaller problems and challenges. And when we recognize that ineffective interpersonal skills are a barrier or brick-wall to achieving professional satisfaction and career advancement we can choose to demolish it – one brick at a time.

Step I: Preparation

I’ve always believed that it’s the preparation for demolishing the brick-wall that will allow you to get over it, demolish it and get past it. The understanding that improvement will occur if you stick with it is the first step towards developing better interpersonal skills. Also, the people you surround yourself with while you are working through a behavior modification or skill improvement process is critical to your success. Why? Because environment always wins and those who support you will help you to stay focused.

Step II: Support

These people will provide you a role model if they too have great people skills, and will make sure you develop great interpersonal habits, knowing that they can actually see greater potential in you even if you cannot right now. While many athletes hit the brick wall and think “well, that’s it for me”, they are able to preserve because of those successful coaches and mentors in their corner. So make sure the people you turn to for advice and motivation and encouragement are those who have seen what’s on the other side of that wall. They will be the ones who instill a belief in you that you can chip through, smash thorough, jump over, find a way around or a way to overcome this huge challenge. They will refer you back to your great habits. They are able to remove emotion from what can be a very emotional time. They know that you can make these changes, and can make you believe it too.

Step III: Visualization

I have never met anyone in life who has encountered their own brick-wall, either as a professional or as an athlete, who after fighting their way over it then turned around and gone back because they don’t like what the other side looks like. The other side is amazing. It looks a lot like your full potential, and the people that are already over the other side are people you want to continue your journey with.

How Do I Begin?

In order to solve your problem, you first have to admit your problem. Then you have to be able to identify or recognize your problem and its sub elements. So – for the exercise of demolishing your brick-wall regarding poor people skills you have to describe the problem and describe the brick-wall. I have provided a sample description which draws upon the several conditions and insights we addressed earlier;

I know that my colleagues who have great interpersonal skills are moving ahead faster than me and certainly endure far less pain, anxiety and stress in their worklife than I do. I want to feel and experience a worklife without stress and I believe that better interpersonal skills will help to achieve that state. I really want to enjoy better workplace relationships a with minimum of stress and anxiety, however I feel constantly frustrated because I can’t figure out how to “connect” with my colleagues. I recognize that I am losing time, creativity, energy, even money and health, instead of increasing my influence, joy and career success because of poor people skills and ineffective interpersonal relationships. I feel like there is an invisible barrier in my professional life that is holding me back professionally and I am not able to see past it. I am frustrated because others are more successful than me even though I work harder than them and I am smarter and better technically trained than them. I want to be better at this interpersonal stuff but it just seems to be beyond my reach and even talking about it makes me very uncomfortable. I sometimes reach out to bosses or HR about this situation but no one ever gives me the “full picture” about what I need to do to get along with my colleagues! I then end up spending 90% of my time trying to figure out what to do about improving my work relationships, but the more stuff I try the worse it gets! And in fact, I am now certain that the harder I work at trying to be a better people person the more frustrated I become. I want to improve the quality of my worklife by focusing on five specific areas that I believe will help to improve my people skills, including achieving a better (more appropriate) sense of humor, developing better listening skills, becoming more aware of my own and others body language, and knowing how and when to show empathy.   

Bottom-Line

Before you can move forward and improve your people skills you have to be able to look beyond the wall to the other side and envision what that new state of being is going to look like and feel like for you. Then you have to describe what the barrier is that’s holding you back from achieving that future you are seeking to create – and be able to describe the specific bricks you want to remove and the new skills that you want to either improve or develop. Once you can visualize your future state and also describe your brick wall you can them begin to move forward in terms of developing the interpersonal skill that your heart desires.