How to define yourself before others do it for you

Take a piece of paper and write up, ten times, “I am”. Then complete each sentence with something that defines you. Ten things that are part of your identity. Ten things that, more than anything else, make you who you are. Go on, I’ll wait. Really give it some effort.

How was that? Did these words that you define yourself with come to you easily and did you struggle to cut them down to just ten, or was it harder than you thought to come up with as much as ten? Either way, it’s important that you find these words, this definition of yourself.

What I'm talking about, is the essence of what makes you, you. The reason that this is important, the reason you want to have a strong definition of yourself and the value you bring, is because once you know this, once you’ve properly defined yourself, other people’s definitions of you don’t matter anymore. They become irrelevant opinions, because you know, in your core, what your place is in the world and the value you are adding to it.

When you haven’t properly defined yourself, though, or when, for whatever reason, your definition is a bit shaky, there’s a lot of room for others to make you doubt yourself.

Let me give you an example.

A couple of years ago, after I'd just become paralysed and was in the process of coming to terms with that, it became clear to me, people now saw me as ‘a person with a disability’ rather than ‘just Sacha’ and it made me lose the definition of myself at the time. I wasn’t so sure anymore of my place in the world, my value to others and how I contributed to the greater good. As a result, I lost my sense of belonging, and so when someone first mentioned that disabilities weren’t a priority to them and not too long after that someone else referred to me as ‘the pity hire’ that got to me in a way that almost brought me to my knees.

The point is, when something major happens in our lives, positive or negative, sometimes our perception, or the perception of those looking at us, changes and we have to redefine ourselves. We have to take a moment and reconsider our “I am” list. I did and it was then that I decided to never say I AM disabled but instead always say I HAVE a disability. That one word makes a world of difference; being paralysed is merely a challenge I have to deal with, it’s not a part of my identity. Not a part of who I am.

Since then I’ve had people think I have a private office because I have a disability, rather than because I’m a senior director. Have had people tell me they’d rather talk to the admin in my team than me because the conversation would probably be too difficult for me to understand (we were doing a site visit of a hotel and she wanted to explain cabaret style vs boardroom) and once had to explain that no, Oracle does not get a subsidy to employ me.

I still miss being ‘just Sacha’ and yes, I’m someone who has a disability, but it never defines me anymore. What defines me is my resilience. My drive to always be the best I can be and my passion to help others be the best they can be.

Fortunately, most of us never encounter anything as devastating as acquiring a disability. That doesn’t take away the need, though, to define yourself. Based on where you are from, your sexuality, where you went to school, where you worked before and life choices, people may form an opinion and it’s important that you have defined who you are and what value you bring. That way, when others try to define you, all you do is shrug and smile, knowing their definitions belong to them, not you.

And because I wouldn’t ask you to do something I didn’t do myself, here’s my list.

I am:

·        Resilient

·        Passionate

·        Someone’s best friend

·        Loyal

·        Fiercely independent

·        Thoughtful

·        An overachiever

·        My father’s daughter

·        Vulnerable

·        An explorer