How to Defeat the Power of Apology: Explanations or Excuses?

It’s not “if” we make mistakes; rather, how we handle them.

Research from the University of Texas found that on average, we make “at least three mistakes (usually 5 – 7) every hour we are awake.” WOW! Doubtless, many of those errors involve the individual making them only, such as forgetting to turn off a light, or walking into a room, and forgetting why.

Nonetheless, of those many errors we make every day, some likely involve others. The question is: how do we handle those mistakes? Do we pretend we didn’t goof, and assume (hope) others won’t notice? If they do notice, do we make excuses? Do we apologize and make excuses? Do we simply apologize?

If we don’t own up, why?

In a May 2013 article, Guy Winch posted in Psychology Today “5 Reasons Why Some People Will Never Say Sorry.” All five reasons explore – explicitly or implicitly – that “non-apologists” feel shamed, guilty and that they are bad people if they apologize. From my point of view, the two paragraphs cited here, say it all:

“Admissions of wrongdoing are incredibly threatening for non-apologists because they have trouble separating their?actions?from their?character. If they did something bad, they must?be?bad people; if they were neglectful, they must be fundamentally selfish and uncaring; if they were wrong, they must be ignorant or stupid, etc. Therefore, apologies represent a major threat to their basic sense of?identity?and?self-esteem.”

Winch’s article caused me to rethink how I feel about those I know who don’t apologize, or who apologize with an “explanation,” read “excuse.” I am now more forgiving, as it were, thinking this inability is more deeply rooted than I previously thought.

Notwithstanding the psychological impediments for some, a simple “I’m sorry,” or a similar comment is the best way to handle a mistake. Those who apologize with a “I’m sorry, I’m late – the traffic on the freeway was horrendous,” would be wise to stop with “I’m sorry.” The explanation often reads like an excuse. After all, aren’t we all subject to horrendous freeway traffic from time to time?

The How-Tos:

1. Given we all goof several times an hour, consider whether the error impacted the actor only, e.g., her failure to turn off the lights involved her alone, or whether the mistake involved others.
2. If it impacted another, “she failed to turn off the lights, having been asked several times to do so by her roommate,” own it and apologize without explanation.
3. A simple “I’m sorry,” “That’s on me, I goofed,” “Sorry about that – my bad,” or “I own it – so sorry,” without explanation is best. The explanation comes across as an excuse negating the apology: it’s like putting a “but” in the middle of a sentence, which negates the first part of the sentence. And, the excuse is often interpreted as “Does she think she’s more important than I am? What am I – chopped liver?”
4. When an apology is in order, remember to forgive yourself first, recognizing, as only Alexander Pope could say “to err is human, to forgive, divine.”

Tips:

1. The Apology is About the Other Person – Not the Person Making it: This is acknowledging that the mistake is less about the person making it, and more about the person receiving it.
2. Put Yourself in the Others’ Shoes: if your roommate failed to turn off the lights, despite your asking her to several times, wouldn’t it be better to hear “I’m sorry,” vs. “I’m sorry but I was running late.” (After all, don’t we all run late from time to time? An easy way to manage it is to leave earlier. The recipient often feels like “So, your time is more important than mine? It makes me feel you think you’re more important than I am.”)
3. Forgive Yourself First – Especially if You’re a Non-Apologist: We all make mistakes – it’s not “if,” rather “how” we handle them. This tip is especially important for the “non-apologists.”
4. Keep it Plain and Simple: Pick a form of apology that’s most comfortable. If “I’m sorry,” doesn’t feel right, there are several others to pick from “That’s on me – I goofed,” “Sorry about that – my bad,” “Oops, I did it again – my apologies,” or another form of apology that feels right.
5. When Appropriate, Offering to Make it up Goes a Long Way: “I’m sorry I missed your birthday dinner. Let’s plan another time and the treat’s on me.”
6. Cute Comments Miss the Mark: “I bet you were expecting the person bringing the drinks would be on time,” might seem cute to the individual making it; however, it’s frequently not appreciated and certainly no substitute for “Sorry I’m late.”
7. The Personal Touch Says a Lot – Apologize in Person or by Phone: Although we have all become accustomed to emails, texts, Instagram, TikTok, Facebook, and the like, a personal apology goes a long way. Pick up the phone with a “I’m sorry I missed your party.”

A story: Hannah, Bob, and Claire are good friends, getting together for special occasions, or just to chat. It’s become a joke between Bob and Claire that Hannah is almost always late. The two started telling her that the get-togethers were 15 minutes ahead of time to get her there on time; at times it worked and other times it didn’t.

Recently, the three got together at Bob’s for a potluck. Hannah volunteered to bring appetizers. When she strolled in 20 minutes late Hannah quipped “Wouldn’t you know it’s the person with the appetizers who is late.” She then went on to explain “I didn’t have enough gas to make here and home again, and had to stop at the gas station.” No apology given. Dead silence from John and Clarice, who thought the comment insensitive and snarky.

What if . . . Hannah had followed the Tips; how might the story have turned out differently?

Tips:

• The Apology is About the Other Person – Not the Person Making it
• Put Yourself in the Others’ Shoes
• Forgive Yourself First – Especially if You’re a Non-Apologist
• Keep it Plain and Simple
• When Appropriate, Offering to Make it up Goes a Long Way
• Cute Comments Miss the Mark
• The Personal Touch Says a Lot – Apologize in Person or by Phone

It could have been . . .

“I apologize for being late” (when she arrived 20 minutes late).

Before she left for the evening, Hannah then said: “It seems like I’m late a lot. From now on, I plan to leave at least 15 minutes earlier than I would have, and I’ll handle stuff like getting gas the day before. Also, no more volunteering to bring appetizers – I’ll volunteer for dessert, LOL. To make up for my tardiness, next time the entire meal is on me.”

Keep communicating intentionally, succinctly, and humbly! Eager to hear from you: [email protected].