How to Deeply and Fully Understand Another Person
The basic idea: I love this quote, and in recent years have taken it to heart as one of the guiding principles of my career...
I love this because it's not enough to listen and nod your head, or to utter a few pat phrases, such as "I know what you mean" or "You're so right."
No, understanding someone takes a lot more work than that.
A bit more background: Reaching true understanding is a collaborative exercise in which two or more people work together to develop shared knowledge. In my experience, here's how it works.
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First, I tell you something that's important to me. (In this example, you are the person seeking to fully understand what I have to say.)
Second, you listen carefully but also ask clarifying questions. Your aim is to dig deeper and to acquire enough context to not just understand what I said, but also why I feel that way.
Third, your questions should nudge me to think. Ideally, they shift me a bit outside my comfort zone (where I can answer without thinking) into a space in which I have to examine my core values. In other words, don't just mindlessly utter, "So what you're saying is _____." Repeating exactly what I said does not require understanding; parrots can do that. Your questions should demonstrate that you can apply what I said, and also that you want to know why I said it.
Fourth, we enter a new space in which we both are curious and energized. Each of us is fully engaged.
Fifth, you take a shot at saying what I said, better than I originally said it. You goal should not be to "one-up" me. Your intention is to bring us both to a deeper level of understanding, because we have been co-creating that level of insight.
No worries if your attempt didn't quite work; we simply keep talking and keep repeating the process until it does. Or maybe you are not the one who says it best. You should be thrilled if our conversation causes me to come up with a better way to say what I've been trying to convey to you.
Please don't just read this and nod. Give it a try, and keep trying until you can do it consistently. You'll strengthen your relationships and learn an immense amount.
Bruce Kasanoff is a social media ghostwriter for entrepreneurs.
Freelance Writer @ Self-employed | Writing and Reviewing
4 年This is a great
Microsoft 365 / Azure Cloud Specialist
4 年On the spot explanation. I wish the whole world can use this to improve. The saying also usually goes something like this "Listen to understand , not only just to reply"
Project management & Communications
4 年This deep and emphatic understanding of what other person mean is not the same as “I know better what you mean and what you need to do??”. I am sharing this idea, because it happened through the years to meet interesting people with the above mentioned mindset. It's great to feel the spectrum of these different interactions.
Creator of My Own Destiny
4 年How do you suggest dealing with people who seem to always need to one up you? Do people like this have value in your circle, or is it best to simply move on?