How to decode feedback in a virtual world?

No matter virtual or in - person, feedback generally makes us believe that something is amiss. Most of us really want to get better at what we do, our work processes, our timelines. We want to expand our thoughts, to factor in things beyond which are easily comprehensible to us. 

But - we also want to be liked and respected for who we are. 

In a world where we met in person and had water cooler conversations - recovering from feedback and taking it in one’s stride was easier. 

I remember a client telling me that she was a hard taskmaster. She called a spade and spade. After some particularly harsh feedback, she did do things that reinforced that she cared. She cared deeply. It wasn’t enough for her that her team did their jobs well. It was even more important for them to learn from what they were doing. 

One of her new joiners - a man highly recommended and much sought after - used a lot of Ahs, Umhhs, Ums during meetings. He was solid on content - but these conversation fillers made him look stupid. She said that to him - just like that. 

‘When you say Aahs, ums - it makes you sound stupid. And you are a very intelligent man. I have a speech coach who helped me through some of my own language ticks and I am happy to provide a reference’. 

That was tough for both. But she didn’t say that he was stupid. She said he sounded stupid. She shared the pathway for rectification - which means she cared. She cared deeply. She’s worked with this guy for a decade now. 

These kinds of conversations were slightly easier in the physical world. You could see and feel that the other person meant no disrespect. But in a virtual world, how does camaraderie translate into brutal honesty and that into care? 

The cart pulls the horse

Ask your team how they want feedback to be delivered?

You will hear a range of responses from - give it to me straight, show me the data, I want a conversation, don't be nice after the bad feedback, the awful ‘sandwich’ method - good-bad-good gets on my nerves, and so on. 

It’s an open secret and open secrets can be exhausting

When somebody in the team isn’t pulling their weight (even virtually), it’s an open secret. Yet - it is trickier to confront. But by refusing to acknowledge it you are doing a disservice to not just the rest of the team, but also the individual.

Others might pick up the slack sometimes, but they will wonder why there’s no feedback. You might find it exhausting to deliver feedback - they are good people, just not doing a good job. But you don't have the energy to keep repeating this feedback to them. You are toasted too. 

One thing I do : Give feedback early and often.

If you wait, you will obsess over it, you will tweak the message, you will cushion the blow. Don’t waste your time and theirs. 

Block time, call a spade a spade, and then let the cart pull the horse. It’s usually not so simple, is it? 

For exceptionally tough feedback - when it is to be delivered - I make sure to keep myself in good spirits before that. I read a para from a book that’s closeby (invariably I find some wisdom there). I keep the pros and cons clear in my head. I use a level tone (after much practice this one) and start with facts, and then inquire.

• You said the website would be updated a couple of weeks back, I see that it is still pending
• I am wondering if you are feeling overwhelmed with the other tasks
• What am I missing?

The trick is to tell the facts like facts and share your ‘opinion’ tentatively. And remain open to their side of the story.

This is where the skill comes in - to not start thinking of your ‘story’ as the ‘story’ but be genuinely open to other perspectives. 

And then of conclude with...

• What do you think we should do now? (We= always share the responsibility of the outcome) 

This last one is for when you receive feedback. 

Be kind. 

Nope. Not Yoda like. Just telling you what you need to hear right now. 

Be kind to the feedback giver and to yourself. 

50% of the time, they might have all the facts right. 

50% of the time, you might not have all the facts right.   And right now, we are all navigating in a virtual world and people are people. 

Receiving feedback is never easy - because at some level we all want to be liked ‘just the way we are’. Receiving feedback, especially developmental one can play in our minds much more.

When someone gives me feedback in a virtual setting, I have started experimenting with a different tactic. I tell them that I have heard them out, but I will take some time to come back to them. Inserting this ‘pause’ between the stimulus and the response. 

This article has made me look deeper into myself. I have wandered back to the feedback sessions from earlier in the year and of more recent. I believe that each person whom I have worked with has in a way or another added to their repertoire during this time. I have too, I take pride in that. 

You can sometimes get feedback wrong - but you can never get learning wrong. 

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About the author:

My passion is to create opportunities and catalyze relationships that help us thrive! I believe that personal, organizational and societal change is an interactive development process and through my interventions, I seek to build awareness and action across all. I have had the privilege to have coached and trained leaders and management teams in 40 plus countries globally and on all continents.

Over the last two decades, I have engaged with leadership development, L&D, and talent management across the entire spectrum from diagnosis to design to implementation. Currently, I run my own niche Executive Coaching Practice to accelerate the leader's path to success through my focus on #LeadershipBranding.

Drop me a message at [email protected] or to schedule a call with me please use: calendly.com/shivangi/15-mins-call

Here are 2 initiatives I have founded: www.thrivewithmentoring.com, a non-profit that catalyzes women to women mentoring (currently present in 5 countries), and www.xponential.cc (through which I bring award-winning leadership training such as Crucial Conversations and Power of Habit).