How to Deal with A Toxic Boss

Dealing with a “toxic” relationship at work can be treacherous. I wrote this article to support you when you find yourself in a “toxic” relationship with your boss.

In this article, you’ll learn about:

• The different types of workplace toxicity.
• Your choices and related strategies for dealing with a “toxic boss.”
• Why awareness of your part on the situation is important.

Toxic!

The ever-popular word describing a displeasing workplace culture and an unhealthy work relationship. These days, the word “toxic” seems to roll off people’s tongue like Humbert’s poignant affection for Lolita in “that book by Nabokov.” You know: it’s the “toxic” boss in the morning, the “toxic” colleague in the afternoon, and by evening, it’s the “toxic” workplace.

Before this decade, the word “toxic” was rarely deployed to describe a work experience. Rather, the word was reserved to describe hazardous waste dumps— those places where poisonous waste is disposed of illegally. Perhaps this traditional use of the word underlines the profundity of the word.

Today, I hear “toxic” employed frequently to describe unhealthy relationships with a boss, tension with a colleague, or as a descriptor for a poisonous workplace environment. According to survey data I recently reviewed, the chances are, at some point in your career, you will work in a toxic culture or for a toxic boss.

So at some point in your career, you will need to deal with some form of workplace-related toxicity. And when you do, you will be confronted with a fundamental choice: opt for the familiarity of your known patterns of behavior (i.e. accept the status quo) or consciously shift and pursue change.

In these situations, there is no free lunch. Neither option—maintaining the status quo or pursuing change— is without considerable energy investment and painful moments. However, if you choose change, in addition to being happier, you will also accomplish real personal growth.

DEFINING A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

Before we dive into how to deal with a “toxic” boss, let’s consider what is meant by a “toxic” relationship. Here’s a definition that I think captures its essence:

When you feel uncomfortable with the way your boss is treating you and you don’t feel safe speaking up about it.

In others words, as Donna Hicks describes in “Leading with Dignity,” when you feel your dignity is being violated by your boss.

When you feel this way at work, your confidence declines, your stress increases, your willingness to take risks diminishes and your interest in pursuing activities that give you meaning recedes into the background. Overall, you feel unhappy about your work, less motivated and you spend significant energy camouflaging your authentic self to keep out of harms way.

From an organizational performance point of view, a toxic boss fails to accomplish the single most important goal of leadership: to bring out the best in the team collectively and each individual. As a result, teams led by toxic manager generally underperforms and suffers a high rate of talent attrition.

SYSTEMIC FACTORS MATTER

Unfortunately, strategies for dealing with a toxic boss can’t be developed in a vacuum. Often, the toxic boss operates within a dysfunctional culture, where norms cascading down from the top reinforce destructive behaviors. This broader toxic culture can complicate efforts to resolve a conflictual relationship with a boss. As you explore strategies for dealing with the “toxic” boss, it’s important for you to consider both the individual and the organizational contexts.

PROFILES OF THE TOXIC BOSS

Before developing your plan for change, it’s helpful to consider the nature and context of your boss’s toxicity. Here are three potential profiles of your boss and the system:

1. Open with blind spots. Your “toxic” boss is unaware of how you are feeling and would ultimately respond favorably to constructive feedback.
2. Closed with blind spots. Your “toxic” boss is unaware of their leadership deficiencies and would strongly resist and even retaliate against your feedback.
3. Systemic. Your “toxic” boss operates in a dysfunctional culture that implicitly reinforces and condones “toxic” behaviors. He or she may be open or closed to feedback.

Before you choose your next positive step, form a hypothesis of which of these best aligns with your boss and the organization. For example, if your boss is profile 1, you have a much better chance of a positive outcome from a confrontation because she/he grasps its impact on your performance and your satisfaction with the job. On the other hand, if your toxic boss is operating in a toxic culture that cascades down from senior leadership, your choices are considerably more narrow.

CHANGE IS A CHOICE

If you’ve uttered the phrase “my boss is toxic,” you’re unhappy with your relationship and by extension, your situation at work. Despite the negative consequences this situation produces, maintaining the status quo may feel more comfortable than mobilizing for change. Pursuing change such as confronting your boss may carry a greater sense of uncertainty and risk.

But let’s be clear: if you’re unhappy with your current work situation, it’s you’re responsibility to change it. Before you even consider your options for change, consider these questions:

• If your toxic relationship with you boss continues, what ultimately will be the outcome? For example, will it spill over into your private life? Or threaten your health? Will you be terminated?
• If your boss were “nutric” —the opposite of “toxic”—what would that look like? What behaviors would your boss need to change and how would this affect your workplace experience?
• What is your part in your current unhappy situation? In other words, what is your responsibility in this situation? For example, have you communicated to your boss how you feel and how it’s affecting your value creation? If your boss’s behavior is really abusive, have you erected boundaries and/or spoken with some in HR?
• What needs to change for you to feel more joy and fulfillment in your work? Is the boss the problem, the culture or is there something else that needs to change for you to feel happier?

Reflecting on these question can help illuminate your choices and shape your response to the situation.

YOUR CHOICES

Every “toxic” situation is nuanced with it’s own unique set of options. Here is a specific case for you to consider as you assess your own choices for pursuing change.

Let’s assume you know your relationship with your boss is unhealthy “toxic” but you appreciate the company and your role. At the highest level, you really have these four options for change.

Option 1: Confront your boss.

Have in open, authentic conversation with your boss. Done well, confrontation is a positive part of human and organizational growth. By choosing this option, you assume your boss is open to changing behavior. It requires a thoughtful approach to framing the conversation and insight into how the person will receive the feedback e.g, how defensive your expect the response will be. It also requires you to be open to feedback, without becoming defensive. Keep in mind: it may not go well, in which case, you can move on to the other options.

Option 2: Change bosses internally.

Explore other opportunities within the company. Since you appreciate the organization, it’s worth the investment to search for a role that would motivate you and a boss with whom you think you can build a healthy relationship. How you frame this choice with your current boss is important; you likely will benefit from your current boss’s support.

Option 3: Go to HR or your boss’s boss.

Share how you’re experience with a HR or you’re boss’s boss. This is a higher risk option that could easily result in you choosing option 4 below. Frame your current situation as limiting your ability to contribute to company-wide goals. Most professional HR professionals will want assurances that you have already tried to work out the conflict with your boss.

Option 4: Leave.

Resign. That’s right, get out before you burn out if you can afford it. Alternatively, begin researching other organizations that have more positive work environments. By now, hopefully you have learned the traits of a toxic boss and you are better at picking up the signals.

WHEN YOU DRAW THE SHORT STRAW

Unfortunately, if you work as an employee, you are likely to experience some form of toxicity during your career. It could be your boss, a colleague or the general culture of the organization. When this happens, and it taints your experience at work, you have some choices.

While maintaining the status quo may feel like the lower risk option, it probably is not. When you accept that the status quo is an unacceptable option in the long run and open your mind to other options, you place yourself on a path for positive change and personal growth.

ABOUT ME

After a 30+ year career as a marketing executive and CEO, in the US and Europe, I now coach many clients interested in growing their leadership effectiveness and advancing their career.

Please email me at [email protected] or give me a ring at 617-529-8795 if you want to talk.