How to Deal with Toxic Behavior without Losing Your Sh*t

People are going through a lot right now. It feels like everyone is exhausted, burnt out and struggling to find effective ways of recharging. This means tensions are high whether it’s at home, in the workplace, with family, friends, or any other human relationship.

My first instinct was to title this “How to Deal with Narcissists,” but most people aren’t dealing with one. Narcissist is a term flippantly used to describe anyone who exhibits narcissistic traits, which is, let’s face it, ALL of us. And while some of us might know a true narcissist or two, most people just exhibit toxic behavior from time to time (some more than others).

Here are some of the narcissistic/toxic traits:

• Entitlement and superiority
• Manipulative behavior and constant need for control
• Exaggerated need for validation and attention
• No accountability or ability to take responsibility
• Lack boundaries
• Lack empathy
• Don’t use logic and reason, only emotional reasoning
• Driven by fear and shame
• Unable to be truly vulnerable
• Inability to communicate

Many of us have exhibited these behaviors at one time or another. Being human and being in relationship with other humans can, at times, be challenging as it leaves us vulnerable to getting hurt and hurt people, hurt people. Most of us have at least a few forms of unhealthy protection mechanisms that can be triggered like the traits above.

This is important to remember as we unpack a few ways that you can deal with people in your life who are exhibiting toxic behaviors. It’s also important to remember, it’s the behavior that you’re frustrated with and not the person as a whole. It’s nearly impossible to lump people into an all good/all bad category.

So, how do you deal with difficult people without losing your shit?

I’m glad you asked! There is a bit of pre-work that goes into this and I cannot recommend the benefits of a morning meditation and journaling session enough. But beyond that, if you’re put in a situation where you feel yourself wanting to knock someone down a peg or five, try this:

1. Pause. This is always a good first step in any interaction, allowing you to first process what is happening without reacting emotionally. Take 6 deep breaths, all the way in and all the way out in order to calm your nervous system, and approach the next moment rationally.
2. Gather. Do a quick sweep of your side of the street because life is a mirror for our internal world, always reflecting back what exists in us. This step is about gathering the empathy necessary to respond in an understanding way that does not drain us of our energy. Ask yourself: Why is this behavior causing such a strong reaction? Have I ever treated people this way before? What was going on for me internally at that time? What did I need when I reacted poorly?
3. Reflect. Start to think about what you want or need in the current situation, keeping in mind how you reacted in similar situations. What boundary was crossed? How can you best communicate that boundary in a way they can hear you? What is the ideal outcome??
4. Respond. Acknowledge whatever they have shared to the best of your ability. Own whatever you feel you have to own and then clearly communicate what you might want or need. It doesn’t mean you will get what you’re asking for, but you can at least walk away knowing you showed up to the interaction in a way that you are proud of.

If you’re dealing with a difficult person, they may not respond well to this. So be prepared for aggressive behavior. To keep your peace, BREATHE and exit the situation. You don’t have to tolerate people’s shit. If it’s a relationship that you want to continue or you have to continue to be cordial in, let them know you’re happy to discuss when things aren’t so tense and give a time for when that will be.?

When people behave in toxic or erratic ways, it can be difficult to remember that they’re doing the best they can. But chances are they are doing their best, even if their best sucks! If you are fortunate enough to have the awareness and are able to make a choice to maintain your peace instead of being “right,” I recommend you always make that choice.

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If we haven’t met, I’m Katie. I’m a writer/ghostwriter for socially conscious leaders and companies. I also serve as a guide to mindful leaders and individuals through the Dying Project, a self-exploration, awakening experience to help clear away mental mess, tune into their own inner guide and get free.

The Dying Project is for you if:

• You’re ready to stop giving your time and energy to a draining situation, relationship or job
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• You’re ready to clear away your mental mess and tap into your own inner guide
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