How to Deal with the Sh*t That’s Killing Your Soul, Part 5: Caring What Others Think

The following is adapted from Worthy Human: Because You Are the Problem… and the Solution.

It’s time for the fifth installment of our Life Suckers series! If you’re new, we’re looking at behaviors and habits that suck your energy, take from you, and keep you away from the profound happiness, joy, and success that you deserve (i.e. Life Suckers).

We’ve already tackled control, expectation, judgment, and comparison. Today, it’s all about caring what others think.

This Life Sucker is a big one. As we dive in, things might get uncomfortable, but there’s happiness and greater authenticity waiting on the other side if you’ll do the work.

Our Need for Approval Goes Waaay Back

Here’s the truth: being oblivious to what other people think is a game changer. We place so much of our value on outside approval. Have you ever had thoughts like these?

• Oh my God. What are “they” going to think?
• What if “they” don’t like it?
• What if “they” don’t like me?
• If I say how I really feel, “they” won’t invite me.
• I can’t say no; what would “they” think?

I’m exhausted just typing it. Don’t worry; you’re not alone in thinking these thoughts. Please remember that you are worthy, you are enough, and you deserve to create a life where the only opinion that matters is your own. You can be your own validation.

Where does this totally irrational and unproductive obsession about what other people think come from? To really get this, we have to travel back in time.

We’re going back tens of thousands of years to tribal times. Being part of your tribe was essential to survival. If you were rejected by your tribe, it could lead to your death.

Being part of a tribe provided protection and food, everything you needed to stay alive. Being approved of, accepted, and liked actually meant you could continue living and breathing. Being accepted was a big deal back in tribal times.

Even though we have evolved and progressed, this part of our evolutionary history has resulted in an unhealthy, disempowering obsession with what people think of us. It’s as if our lives depend on it, but they don’t, not anymore. In fact, it’s quite the opposite.

Practice a New Way of Thinking

Now you know that you can challenge that incessant need you have to be accepted. You have the power to choose a different path. Understanding is power.

You no longer live in a world where you need to rely on others for survival. This behavior is, without question, impeding your ability to feel free and to be the person you know you can be. It is getting in your way of being unapologetically you.

• How would it feel to genuinely not care about what other people think?
• Who would you be?
• What would be different for you if you didn’t take things personally?

I get it, you’re saying things like “It would be amazing. I’d feel free. I could exhale. I could stop doing all the things I don’t want to do. I’d say no much more often. I’d say yes much more often.” The possibilities are endless, right?

Now that you’re in touch with how amazing that will feel, here are a few new thoughts I want you to practice (Practice means write it, read it, feel it.):

• I am my own approval.
• What people think of me is none of my business.
• The most important opinion in my life is my own.

It’s Time to Challenge the Shoulds and Shouldn’ts

While we’re still figuring out that we can survive perfectly well while we’re living life our own way, we can fall into the trap of feeling like we’re living someone else’s life. We find ourselves doing things that we don’t actually want to be doing at all.

Maybe you’re doing what your dad wanted you to do, or you followed your peer group and wound up going down a path you never would’ve chosen. If you don’t feel good about the life you’re living, you’re not in alignment with your authentic self.

If you’re living a life filled with “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts,” something has to change.

• I should go to this college.
• I should take that job; it’s a good offer.
• I shouldn’t travel there; it’s too far.
• I should save money for a rainy day.
• I should offer group programs in my business because everyone else is doing it.
• I shouldn’t say no when they ask for a volunteer in my kid’s classroom.
• I should go because I was invited.

I have seen and heard it all. If I had a dime for every “should” I’ve challenged, I would be writing this book on my private island. The “shoulds” have got to go. When you stop caring what people think and you stop taking everything personally, it’s easy to let go of the “shoulds” and live a life centered around making choices. YOUR choices.

How People Perceive You Isn’t Your Concern

When you’re showing up as your best, authentic self, it’s none of your business how people receive you. It’s not your responsibility. I need you to hear me. You are NOT responsible for other people’s reactions, perceptions, or responses. That’s on them.

Say it with me again, and louder: you are NOT responsible for other people’s reactions, perceptions, or responses. Your life is about YOU.

If you’re thinking about who you are and the decisions you make, the only opinion that matters is yours. It’s not about what your kids think, what your spouse thinks, what your parents think, what your friends think, or what your siblings think.

It’s all about what YOU think.

If you’re not being true to yourself, you are not being true to anyone.

When you care what other people think, you are literally handing them your power: “Hi, I have my own opinion, but yours is way more important, so here’s my power.”

Ew, no, fuck that.

It’s as if their validation or opinion makes you enough or confirms your value—NO, NO, NO. Remember, your value, worthiness, and good-enoughness is NOT up for debate. Nothing that has or hasn’t happened in your life is a reflection of your worthiness.

When You Change, It Gives Others Permission to Change

Of all the wishes and wants of people I meet and work with, the biggest one is their desire to be their authentic self. There’s a force within all of us that is begging us to live by our own rules, to say a guilt-free no, to stop people pleasing, to play BIG, even if it’s not what the societal norm is. We have to strive to live a life that aligns with our individual truth, don’t we? It sounds fucking amazing, doesn’t it?

The longer you spend creating a life seeking the acceptance of others, the further you run from your authentic self. The real, unapologetic you.

The most beautiful part of making this shift is that everyone wants to be true to themselves. We all want the same thing. So, the quicker you stop giving a shit about what everyone thinks, the quicker you stop seeking external approval and start believing that you are the only person who can offer yourself true validation.

Not only will you start feeling an outrageous level of freedom and fulfillment, but you will be giving others permission to do the same. I believe that this is one of the most miraculous by-products of your own personal growth journey.

By default, you give permission to those around you to start their own journey, then that permission expands into their circles, and so on and so on and so on. Before we know it, everyone will be their unapologetic, best selves. YAY!

Let’s get moving with being a catalyst for global change, shall we?

Look Under Every “Should” Rock

Repeat after me: “Don’t should on me.” That’s right; it’s your new mantra. Anytime you hear a “should” from someone else or hear it from your own mind, pause and be aware. Question the “should.” Imagine it’s a little should rock. Lift up the rock and see what’s underneath. Why should or shouldn’t you? Where does that come from?

Then shift to your power of choice and ask yourself, “Do I choose to or choose not to?”

There is no more “should.” Period. ERASE it from your vocabulary.

I was at a meeting with a bunch of school moms recently, and one of the moms said, “I really should make time to help in the classroom next week.”

“Why should you?” I asked, daring to challenge the unwritten rules.

She immediately said, “Well, everyone else does it, and it’s the kind of thing I should do because if I don’t, they’ll think poorly of me.” Holy shit—jackpot! What a should! This is what was under her should rock—if I don’t volunteer, they won’t like me.

She thought I would accept that as an answer. I didn’t, of course.

Instead, I asked, “What would you like to do, you know, if you could choose?”

“I really don’t want to volunteer in the classroom. I hate doing it. I’d much rather donate money. If I could choose, I would never volunteer in the classroom.”

“Great!” I said. “I’ll let you in on a little secret. You can choose. You can say no, and you can donate money instead.” The relief was palpable. She didn’t volunteer. She did donate money, and she lived happily ever after. Well, I’m not sure about the last bit, but the moral of the story is that we cannot make decisions driven by shoulds. Period.

As we wrap up this article, let’s recite the Worthy Human Mantra:

I am worthy. I am enough. I am powerful. I get to choose.

For more advice on dealing with Life Suckers, you can find Worthy Human on Amazon.

Tracy Litt is a Certified Mindset Coach, Rapid Transformational Therapist, speaker, and author. As Founder of The Litt Factor and Worthy Human, her passion for personal growth shines through in the transformation of her clients and the empowerment of her merchandise line. Tracy has helped countless individuals transform their lives from the inside out.  She’s direct, and goes straight to the heart of what’s real and what’s true. She masterfully tells it like it is, while being skillfully empathetic, loving and supportive. A powerhouse and ball of energy, exuding unconditional love and light. Tracy lives in Lake Worth, Florida, with her husband, David, three teenage daughters—Taylor, Maddy, and Zoe—and their dog, Sunny. Learn more about her work at TheLittFactor.com.