How to Deal with the Sh*t That’s Killing Your Soul, Part 1: Control

The following is adapted from Worthy Human: Because You Are the Problem… and the Solution.

If you truly want to change your life, you have to address what I call the Life Suckers.

The Life Suckers are behaviors and habits that suck your energy, take from you, and keep you away from the profound happiness, joy, and success that you deserve.

Strap yourself in and hold onto the safety rails as we begin this ride. 

Life Sucker #1: Control. 

Control is About You, Not Other People

For my proud control freaks out there, it might feel like I’m asking you to leave your happy place when I ask you to release your need to control everything. Trust me: I promise, you’ll be fine. You’ll be better than fine.

According to Webster’s Dictionary, control is defined as “the power to direct people’s behavior or the course of events.” Seriously, I had never looked up the definition until I wrote this article. Holy shit, even the definition is exhausting. Direct people’s behavior or the course of events? Um, I’m sorry, are you Mary Poppins? That sounds like an enormous amount of stress and responsibility to me.

Our conversation is not about other people.

Our conversation is about how YOUR need to control is impacting and limiting YOU.

When you are controlling, you have a need for everything to go the way you want it to go. When you think you can control everything, or feel the need to control everything, the amount of stress, tension, and anxiety you experience is more than I can articulate.

The Moment I Surrendered Control

As a recovering control freak myself, I am well versed in this arena. I remember the moment I surrendered control. It was when I became a single mother. As a co-parent, I share custody of my daughter, so for 50 percent of the time she wasn’t with me.

For a long while I attempted to control what my daughter was doing, where she was, and what was happening when she wasn’t with me.

She was awake super late one night, way past her bedtime according to my rules. The rules were different at her dad’s house, and I didn’t like that. His parenting style gave her so much more freedom than mine did, and I didn’t like that either. Neither one of us was wrong nor right, we just had different parenting styles.

But as a control freak, this drove me batshit crazy.

What I Learned from Releasing My Need to Control

The problem wasn’t the co-parenting. The problem was my need to attempt to control what was happening when my daughter wasn’t with me. Side note: the problem is never the problem. The problem is our thinking about the circumstance or situation.

I was choosing to attempt to control something that didn’t need any input from me at all.

I use the word “attempt” intentionally because you never actually have control over anything. Ever. The only thing I actually accomplished was driving myself crazy.

I created feelings of anger and frustration, and I was nowhere near as happy as I could have been if I had simply surrendered. Feeling all of that anger, frustration, and tension taught me that I didn’t want to feel that way. At all. Like, ever.

It was a powerful lesson, and through my own reflection, I made a decision that I am eternally grateful for. I chose to let it go. My level of peace and ease around my co-parenting relationship is now awe-inspiring.

Control is the opposite of peace and ease. When you are controlling, you are constricted. You are creating tension and pressure.

I Get It: Surrendering feels Scary

Everyone lands somewhere on the spectrum of control and for good reason. We were brought up in an environment of control. Bells rang to tell us when to move, with rules telling us what we could do, and endless expectations from everyone around us.

To imagine a life without being in control feels scary because if you aren’t in control, then what will happen? If you aren’t controlling people and outcomes, you’re entering a world of the unknown and unfamiliar. Your brain hates unfamiliar. It will do anything it can to keep you in an environment that feels familiar, but control is hurting you.

Think about it: you run yourself ragged trying to control everything. Your mind is consumed with the need for things to be a certain way. You are tense, highly strung, and sucked dry as a result. Quite frankly, I want more for you than that.

We’re going to start practicing openness and allowance. This practice leads to the fabulous feelings of peace and ease. You can choose to let go of the habit of control.

You can choose to surrender. When you surrender, you open yourself up to receive and to feel abundant. The irony is that when you stop controlling, you get more than you could have ever imagined. So, are you ready to become a recovering control freak?

The Work Starts Here

Stop right now, take a deep breath, and connect to your body.

Does it feel tight, tense, or constricted? If so, that tightness is what control feels like. If pain and stiffness around your neck and shoulders feels familiar to you, that’s control.

As you move forward today, become aware of when you are feeling stress, tension, and constriction. Where do you feel the stress and tension in your body? Ask yourself, “What am I controlling or attempting to control right now?”

Recognize it; take a deep breath and surrender. The thing about surrender is there’s no “how-to.” It’s a choice. You choose to surrender because you’re ready to be at ease.

As we close each article in this series, I’ll ask you to repeat the Worthy Human Mantra:

I am worthy. I am enough. I am powerful. I get to choose.

For more advice on dealing with Life Suckers, you can find Worthy Human on Amazon.

Tracy Litt is a Certified Mindset Coach, Rapid Transformational Therapist, speaker, and author. As Founder of The Litt Factor and Worthy Human, her passion for personal growth shines through in the transformation of her clients and the empowerment of her merchandise line. Tracy has helped countless individuals transform their lives from the inside out.  She’s direct, and goes straight to the heart of what’s real and what’s true. She masterfully tells it like it is, while being skillfully empathetic, loving and supportive. A powerhouse and ball of energy, exuding unconditional love and light. Tracy lives in Lake Worth, Florida, with her husband, David, three teenage daughters—Taylor, Maddy, and Zoe—and their dog, Sunny. Learn more about her work at TheLittFactor.com.