How to Deal With Mean Girls Professionally and Personally

Sometimes I feel like I’m still in high school even though I’m in my early 40s. This is due to the way I’ve been treated by certain women in my professional and personal life. Bullies from junior high and high school often grow up to become bullies in the workplace (as well as outside of work), resulting in many of us finding ourselves in situations that are unfortunately similar to our dark days of adolescence. The worst part – these mean girls are much stronger and vindictive.

Each of us has had mean girl tendencies at some point. Sometimes it’s due to peer pressure. Sometimes it’s because something about them makes us feel bad about ourselves. Sometimes it's because of other complex factors. I’m certainly not proud of having engaged in mean girl behavior, but I can own up to it, recognize it's wrong and change how I act and try to be a better person and role model to the next generation of women leaders.

Why are we mean to other women when we should be supporting other women and having each other’s backs? When a woman feels threatened, insecure or just dislikes another woman, she often engages in damaging actions, such as backstabbing, gossiping, purposely excluding someone from a meeting or social functions, sabotaging, taking credit for someone’s work or helping to push someone out of a job or a social circle. Maybe you’ve experienced some of these behaviors by another woman (or worse, a group of women) in the workplace or even in your personal life. Please know that you aren’t alone.

I call this the dark side of female relationships.

In this article, we will explore how to recognize a mean girl and develop strategies to effectively manage her and succeed in spite of her undermining behavior.

Maybe you work in an environment free of mean girls or your friend circle is supportive of each other, but you will come into contact with them from time to time.

The bright side is that toxic females can help you develop a thicker skin and learn how to be more selective about the people you trust. These are important skills to have throughout your life because you will inevitably run up against mean girls from time to time no matter how old you are.

Although outside of the office, the closest bonds women often have are to each other, they aren’t always each other’s biggest supporters in the workplace. In fact, they can be each other’s worst nightmares and saboteurs, viewing each other as rivals. I thought that the older I got the less this would happen among women, but that hasn’t been the case. And if you haven’t experienced deceptive attacks, passive aggression and unkindness by female coworkers, consider yourself lucky.

Today there are Regina George-like characters in every industry, simply because there are more women in the workplace. Their catty gossiping, backstabbing and sabotaging can turn an otherwise pleasant workplace into a place of daily dread. Likewise mean girls exist in many friend groups. The worst part about that is that they often masquerade as your friends, and you often realize the damage they caused when it’s too late. Trust me on this – I learned first hand how a mean girl can actually be a frenemy and can use confidences against you to further her own agenda.

Before I delve deeper into this topic, I want to make it very clear that are plenty of amazing, supportive women in the workforce and friend circles, and I’ve been very lucky to work with a number of them. They aren’t threatened by other women, and instead they go above and beyond to help others succeed. They are true role models. This article isn’t about them. This article is about those women in the workplace who do not have your best interests at heart, and how to protect yourself against them.

The silver lining is that while you will inevitably encounter mean girls throughout your career, learning how to manage them will make you stronger and more resilient. Dealing with someone like this enables you to emerge a more confident version of yourself. It’s important to remember that this is about them not you. No one asks for or deserves to be subjected to unfounded criticism, exclusion, sabotage or gossip.

It’s important to remember that while you cannot can’t change how someone else acts, you can change your own behavior toward them, and this article will teach you how to do just that.

Why are women so mean to other women?

Women lash out at other women because of their own insecurities and jealousy, as well as feelings of competition and envy. It also makes them feel powerful to put down another woman who they consider a threat. There are several articles and books that delve deeper on this topic, including Katherine Crowley’s “Mean Girls at Work: How to Stay Professional When Things Get Personal.” In the book, Crowley says that women tend to be harsh on each other when they feel threatened or envious. They may then “attack” that colleague by saying something negative about her or by shutting her out.

Mean girls are often jealous of other women’s accomplishments. So, if you’ve recently achieved a success, you unfortunately may have a target on your back.

A bully’s greatest asset is the collusion of others because it contributes to isolating their target.

A study from University of Arizona management professor Allison Gabriel found that powerful women are often disliked, and that women are often meaner to each other than men are to women.

A goop article succinctly said it, “To the extent that women are each not fully empowered ourselves—that we are still denying our own dreams or treating ourselves harshly—we will criticize, attack, and try to sabotage other women, because it rattles us to see in them what we have not permitted in ourselves. We will lash out if we see something emerging or expressed in another woman that we have squashed in ourselves.”

How do you spot a mean girl?

Mean girls come in all shapes and sizes. They can masquerade as your friend (the most dangerous kind). They can be young or old. They can come at you when you least expect it. This is why it’s so important to maintain professionalism at all times no matter what your level.

Here are some warning signs that someone may be a mean girl:

• They are nice to you in public but cold in private.
• They like to be in control of situations and insist on having things their way.
• They publicly criticize you or your opinions.
• They twist facts and situations to make themselves look innocent.
• They steal your work and claim it as their own.
• They boycott your ideas, projects or social gatherings.
• They leave you out of important meetings, lunches or social gatherings.
• They tend to be quick to anger and might use direct insults or name-calling.
• They befriend you to learn your insights or secrets and then use them against you.
• They fabricate lies and spread rumors about you while pretending to be your friend.

Always remember that work is work and your colleagues are your colleagues, so it is not in your best interest to spill your entire life story and air your dirty laundry to them. What you tell your co-worker or an industry friend could be used against you if someone is trying to get ahead of you or has a hidden agenda. The same goes for your personal life – I’ve learned to be much more careful with whom I trust because I have been burned by “friends” who manipulated my words and actions and embellished/told half truths about things attributed to me.

I hate to be so negative because there are so many great women in the workforce who are incredibly supportive of other women, but there are people who are only out for themselves and often you realize it too late. Again, I’m referring to those who are not.

How do you effectively handle a mean girl?

When it comes to mean girls, try your best to block out the negative noise they create, don’t take what they say about you personally (no matter how hard it is), surround yourself with people who have your back and, perhaps most importantly, kill them with kindness to try and neutralize the situation.

Also, the sooner you accept that not everyone is going to like you (and that’s okay), the better off you’ll be. Cut your losses and steer clear of those people. But be polite and don’t give them any negative ammunition to use against you. And no matter how hard you want to shout from the rooftops about what a jerk (or worse) someone is, don’t ever sink to their level – rise above the gossip and negative chatter and don’t engage. The most effective reaction you can give to a bully is no reaction at all. Not engaging and taking the high road usually makes them retreat.

When you feel jealous of other women, find yourself gossiping, or wanting to take away from another woman’s success, ask yourself, “What do I want to personally accomplish?” It’s about you and your path. It’s not about anyone else.

Strategies to manage mean girls

Here are some strategies that you can use to stop mean girls from having a negative impact on your life (and as soon as you suspect someone doesn’t have your best interests at heart, immediately cut them out of your life).

1. Take the high road – don’t engage with the harmful things that people say about you. (Note: if for some reason there is a shred of truth to what the person is saying about you, take the constructive feedback, but do not let the mean-spirited nature of what they are saying cloud the message.) If you ignore the comments and the person, it usually dies down and goes away. Don’t defend yourself or work hard to win over the mean girls either – it won’t work. If someone doesn’t like you and is jealous of you, nothing you say or do is going to change that. Just ignore the negativity but…
2. Kill them with kindness – what I mean by this is to just be kind to everyone. Be nice (but not overly kind or fake) to mean girls too. The reason is that if you don’t give them any ammunition and if you are pleasant to them, they will not have a reason to pick on you. Also, you never know what someone is dealing with outside of the workplace, so be understanding that their unkind behavior may have nothing to do with you at all.
3. Do not engage or counterattack – as discussed above, when you don’t give a bully a reaction, it often makes them go away. They are often trying to hurt you. Counterattacking is just a waste of your time and energy. You’d be much better off doing something productive to better yourself.
4. Problem solve – look for ways to solve the problem with this person in a professional way without stooping to their level. So, for example, if you work or volunteer together, can you find common ground to bring you closer? If not, can you get a third party involved as a sounding board/voice of reason? In both cases, document what is happening so that you have a record of the interactions in case you should need it down the line.
5. Find your tribe – when you’re being personally attacked, it’s so important to surround yourself with people who support and really get you. I call these people my “tribe.” I know they will be there for me when I need them and that they have my back. When the going gets tough, you’ll want these folks close by.
6. Support and lift up others – one of the most important jobs I have at this point in my career is to help the next generation of professionals in my field in whatever way they need me. I always try to support not only future leaders but my peers as well. I also hope that if people like me spend time with younger up-and-coming professionals and industry colleagues, this will eliminate future mean girl behavior by building a closer-knit community and stronger ties to one another.
7. Don’t take it personally – remember this bad behavior is not about you but rather about the other person. You happen to be their target, which leads me to my next point…
8. Neutralize your naysayers. As we’ve discussed, mean girl behavior stems from insecurity and jealousy, and so you can try to defuse it by giving the mean girl a public pat on the back and showing her that you think she’s a leader in her field. You can do this in several ways. If she’s a published author, share her content on social media and tag her in the posts. Invite her to speak on a panel if you are organizing an event. Giving her an opportunity to shine may stop her bad behavior. But in all these cases, be genuine and don’t go overboard trying to win her over, which can seem insincere.
9. Stand up for others – Use your experience to help others who are being bullied. Break ranks with anyone who is engaging in mean girl behaviors and call them out on it. Even saying something like “No one thinks you’re funny” or “Stop messing with her” can be an effective way to stop the bullying from continuing. Always do the right thing and Please don’t fall victim to peer pressure and pile on someone who is already being picked on.
10. Don’t fall into the mean girl trap. We all have it in ourselves to gossip and be catty towards others. I’m certainly guilty of it from time to time, especially when it comes to women who have been mean to me in the past. Virtually all of us have been on the receiving end of mean girl behavior, so we know how badly it feels when it happens to us – so why are we going out of our way to make someone else feel that badly too? We are better than that, and we don’t need to be petty, mean or to gossip. Instead, let’s channel our energy into something more productive. Let’s make a vow to stop hating on each other and instead to support each other. Of course, we don’t have to like every single person with whom we work or the women in our industry associations, but we don’t have to gossip about them either. Each of us has a choice on whether we want to be nice or not. Make the right choice starting today.

What do you do if the mean girl is your boss?

If you find yourself in this unfortunate situation, it is so important to tread carefully in your role until you can find a better one because the odds are that you need your job to pay the bills. It’s always easier to find a new job while you are currently employed. It is also crucial to not give your boss any further ammunition to use against you, so do your job well, do not let her get to you, do not lose your cool and accept that you will likely be nitpicked and nothing you do will be good enough because she wants you gone. You have a target on your back and a limited amount of time in which to get yourself out of a toxic situation.

During this purgatory period, always respond professionally to emails and calls, and document what is happening in case you need it should things go awry sooner than expected. You should also be networking as much as you can in order to find a more fulfilling professional home and fast. You can also contact HR about your concerns regarding the Miranda Priestly in your life but be prepared that they make take her side especially if she’s been making a case to terminate you. As much as you love your job, this situation is not going to work out in your favor. You must get out and find a healthier work environment.

Never stop being you!

Always remember that the negative comments and opinions of a few people do not define you nor are they necessarily true. Yes, it hurts when people say mean things about you – that’s a normal reaction to being personally attacked. But don’t let anyone negatively impact all the great things for which you have worked so hard and all that lies ahead for you.

Mean girls will come and go throughout your life, just continue being your awesome self, and continue to learn and grow from your mistakes. Lean on your tribe, your mentors and those who you trust for support. As I said earlier, when you stop focusing on the haters, they often magically disappear.

Someone wise in my tribe said to me that the more successful you become, the more critics you will have – basically your success is going to make some people jealous, and they will act out against you as a result of those feelings. You can’t control the actions of another person, so don’t give yourself an unnecessary ulcer and instead live your own life and being a good, kind person.

Also keep in mind that when people behave badly or talk about you behind your back, it often says more about who they are versus you. Women who act like this are largely operating from a place of insecurity. Try not to take their behavior personally. Remind yourself that this is not about you. Instead, feel badly for those who need to put others down in order to make themselves feel better. Then channel your energy into positive action – such as writing or speaking and working harder than everyone else and helping others overcome similar bullying situations.

There will be times when the reason why you are disliked has nothing to do with you. Someone once told me they disliked a person because she had the same name as a girl who was mean to her in middle school. Um, okay. In these cases, the cards are already stacked against you and there’s not much you can do about that. So, walk away with your head held high. Your industry is big enough for the two of you. While it’s hard to swallow that not everyone will like you, focus instead on those who do. You don’t need anyone in your life who makes your feel badly about yourself.

Why mean girls are bad for everyone

Mean girls not only have a harmful effect on their victims, but on women as a whole, including future generations. Many mean girls have children – so it seems probably that their mean girl ways may be considered the norm, meaning they are demonstrating that their behavior is okay and therefore, it could be emulated by their kids who see them as a role model. Make no mistake, this is not behavior that should be passed from one generation to the next. Their behavior is a contributing factor hindering us as a gender, holds us back from achieving greater success and just gets in the way from us having more meaningful relationships. Mean girl behavior is noise. It’s muck and it’s unwelcome. It’s time that we put an end to it, especially in this pivotal time for women when we should be elevating each other instead of knocking each other down.

A final word about dealing with mean girls

I have had my fair share of being the target of mean girls. I try to not let it bother me, but of course it hurts. The sooner you realize that you don't deserve this mean girl behavior, the easier it is to let their actions roll off your back.

A lot of good can come out of dealing with mean girls. Developing a thicker skin is a useful skill to have throughout your career and life. It can help show you who is really in your corner (a smaller friend group is not necessarily a bad thing). Show your detractors that not only can they not stop you, but you will succeed and help others around you. The next time you have an issue with a woman, face it head on with her and try to resolve it as a mature adult. If you can’t, simply cut her out of your life immediately. She can’t hurt you if she has no ammunition. Make a vow to not gossip about others and to show kindness to those who exhibit mean girl behavior in order break the chain of these actions. Let’s consciously try to stop being mean girls and channel our efforts toward being more supportive of each other.

In addition, let's mentor the junior high and high school students of today, as well as younger women in our workplaces so they can develop into strong, female leaders of the future.

Often, we define ourselves by what others say about us and that’s how mean girls gain their power. Instead, empower yourself by ignoring this “noise,” focusing on becoming a better version of yourself and being a good and kind person, and ensuring that you are setting a good example (free of mean girl behaviors yourself) for the women (and everyone else) in your life. I promise that the rest will fall into place.

[Stefanie Marrone helps law firms effectively tell their stories and find their unique voices. Over the last 18 years, she has worked with some of the most prominent and innovative law firms in the world, developing and executing global revenue generating business development and communications strategies, including media relations, branding, and multichannel content marketing and social media campaigns. She is very passionate about using social media for lead generation and brand building. She has a diverse range of experience in both Big Law and mid-size/small-law firms. Connect with her on LinkedIn and follow her latest writing on JD Supra as well as her blog The Social Media Butterfly.]