How to Deal with Leaders Who Bully

For the past couple of years, I've met for lunch with an incredible woman. We get together every six months or so and catch up on each other's lives.

I was introduced to Anne (not her real name) when a connection of mine asked me to help a friend who was looking for a new executive role. When we first met, Anne had been out of work for several months, recovering from a toxic CEO who handled his toxicity with settlements and NDAs.

Long story short, Anne eventually found a new home working for a great organization, doing work she excels at and is passionate about under a boss she respects. Until our most recent lunch, she loved her job.

Then, her direct supervisor decided to step down.

Anne was offered the role but declined because if she did take the promotion, she would have to report one level up. And one level up sits a woman whose idea of leadership is finger-pointing, blaming, aggressive accusations, and micro-managing.

Unfortunately for Anne, until they find a replacement for her supervisors, she will be reporting directly to that bull-boss.

Anne is triggered right now. Her confidence, voice, and ability to lead powerfully disappear around this woman, replaced by a far less articulate, frozen version of herself.

What should she do? How would you handle working for someone who pinned every setback or issue she had on you and your team?

Anne and I spent lunch answering those questions.

Here are 5 things we addressed in that hour:

1. This big boss triggered all of Anne's old self-limiting beliefs and fears.
2. Anne immediately went into a defensive, "let me prove myself" mode that undermined her authority and position.
3. She saw herself as helpless and couldn't effectively problem-solve.
4. Calmly and diplomatically addressing the management style of this boss felt like a heroic act of massive confrontation (i.e. impossible).
5. Anne didn't understand the motivation behind the big boss' behaviors.

This is briefly how we addressed them:

1. We practiced active relaxation and stress-management strategies she could use in the moment.
2. I asked Anne to articulate her value to me so she could make her case rather than defend herself.
3. We expanded her vision of what was possible, challenging her helplessness - What could possibly go wrong?
4. We practiced 3 critical conversation and conflict management communication scripts.
5. We got down to the root of bully leadership and, using empathy, strategized around addressing her boss' anxiety rather than just labeling her as a bitch.

Have you ever had to work for someone whose leadership style stripped you of your power and your confidence? How much did it take out of you? And what did you end up doing to free yourself?

Maybe you're that leader, and you know it, but what you don't know is how to break from the pattern. Like a couple of my current clients, you've worked with other coaches, but it hasn't helped, or you feel too ashamed to get the help you need.

Or maybe it's your job to find the right training and coaches to help your executive leaders become the kinds of leaders that people love, respect, and stick with.

Either way, if you're looking for a real way to change toxic or unproductive patterns and become (or work alongside) a confident, powerful, effective, and happier leader (the kind of leader you want to be led by), we should talk.

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I've made it my mission to help women in senior leadership show up with full authority, own their value, grow their influence, and make a meaningful impact without sacrificing everything on the altar of success. I lead this work through Noteworthy, an exclusive executive coaching and consulting firm that advances senior executive women in STEM and finance and supports companies that seek to retain, elevate, and attract them.

This work has transformed the lives of hundreds of executive women in the US and Europe and changed workplaces for the better at scores of companies ranging in size from agile start-up to Fortune 100.

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