How To Deal With Disappointment

Disappointment, we all feel it from time to time right? But is it the horrible experience we think it is?

My husband woke me up earlier today from a nap and as I walked into the living area I could see tennis ace Roger Federer holding aloft the Australian Open trophy making it his 20th Grand Slam win. The presenters spoke about Federer’s clear love for the game and how he’s come back from defeats in the past and remains strong and doesn’t look like retiring any time soon.

It got me thinking about disappointment and how it affects different people in different ways based on the meaning we give it via the gift of Thought.

In 2015 Roger Federer was runner up to the then no. 1 tennis player Novak Djokovic. After the match Roger said:

“I should have won the first set. “I’m disappointed not to win Wimbledon for the eighth time, but too bad.”

“I still think I had a great tournament. You can have good tournaments without winning as well at the end. I still won six matches and lost one. The ratio still remains very good.”

“You could see in the ceremony afterwards, I was not crestfallen. I just needed time in order to recover, to shower and relax a bit and then feel like a fresh person again.”

Two years later Roger Federer did make history winning the Wimbledon championship for the 8th time.

The feeling of disappointment is normal so there’s no reason not to feel it. A feeling doesn’t mean anything unless you give meaning to it. When you turn thoughts of disappointment into a thing, it’s your ability to create stories about it that keeps it running and gives it meaning. If you were feeling disappointment about your behaviour or achievement you could go down the rabbit hole of thinking you’re a bad person, not good enough, might as well give up, or will never succeed etc. Or you might believe you feel disappointment because of what someone else has done.

We are only ever feeling Thought taking form in the moment, or put another way if you are thinking thoughts of disappointment you will be feeling whatever sensations disappointment feels like in your body. Thoughts and feelings are two sides of the same coin you can’t have one without the other and it happens simultaneously.

So what can you do when you feel disappointment?

My suggestion is to do absolutely nothing, and I’ll give you a few reasons why I say this.

The reason I was having a nap today was because I went ‘out out’ last night for a friend’s 50th Birthday party. I got home late and was then woken at 6am by one of my toddler twins. I felt disappointed to be up so early, the thoughts in my head were “woe is me”, “it’s not fair”, “why couldn’t she sleep longer” and so on. I simply carried on with the day and didn’t think about the thoughts swishing around my head, as I knew they weren’t anything to listen to. I experience feelings of disappointment probably most days, but because I don’t buy in to the thoughts, it’s never an issue. This is not the same thing as ignoring how I feel. I simply don’t worry about how I’m feeling because I know it doesn’t matter.

Some thoughts of disappointment can seem so real, that they really look like they’re telling us something we need to know about ourselves, or our circumstances, or about other people, or the world. Sometimes the feeling of disappointment looks so much like it’s coming from what’s happening to us that we get caught up and it turns into a tsunami of thoughts and thinking that can leave us in a really low mood.

Our thoughts and feelings occur separate to our circumstances. It is never our circumstances or other people, creating a feeling inside of us – it’s just not possible. The feeling only comes from Thought taking form in the moment.

This is great news because it means that nothing has to change in order for us to feel differently. We will feel differently with the next new thought that arises. Thoughts are transient, ongoing, and random. We have around 70000 thoughts a day and tend to feel the ones that we start thinking about.

Another reason I say to do nothing with your thoughts is because if I start focusing on thoughts I want to change, all that’s happening is I’m thinking about them more. So I’ll carry on feeling what I’m thinking. I personally find it far easier to let my thinking settle on its own and then boom new thoughts come along and I feel differently.

As I said above, I also recognise that it doesn’t matter what I’m feeling so why would I need to change it anyway? I can feel disappointment and still crack on with my day. A thought/feeling has no power unless you think it does. It’s made of smoke (not literally) and will disappear and reappear in many different forms, none real, none I need to listen to, none I need to do something about.

Again this not needing to do anything is freedom to me. It means I can go with whatever makes sense to me to do in any moment. I’m not dictated to by my thinking. I can listen to the mind chatter – hearing my intellect try to figure out why I feel this or think that, what I should do or not do etc. But none of it I need to buy into or act upon. Instead I do my best in the moment to follow my wisdom or common sense.

I’m only ever being and doing my best in the moment, whether I happen to be caught up in personal thinking or resting in my innate wellbeing. Either way I’m being human and doing my best.

There’s a quote by the Dalai Lama that I like “Not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck”. For me this says our expectations or focus on a certain outcome can be held lightly and that it’s more fun to simply engage and play the game than concern myself with an end goal. I used to see in this quote that something better than what I can imagine is going to happen. What I see now is there is no better or worse with what I experience. I don’t have to rank what I experience or compare it to what I think other people are experiencing and getting or not getting in life. My extraordinary ordinary life is perfect by design and I’m grateful to be here living it.

I see clearly that I don’t need to fear or be disappointed by my experiences. Yes of course I might need to course correct based on certain outcomes but that’s ok. I’ve been course correcting all my life, we all have. We each deal with what’s right in front of us in real time regardless of how much thinking and angst has gone on beforehand. When I failed my first driving test I didn’t notice too much thinking about it. I just did what made sense to do next, which was book more lessons.

In my reality of failing my driving test I didn’t feel too disappointed, I was pleased to have more lessons and further my skills. Someone else in their reality on failing their first driving test could feel devastated and conclude they are not a good driver, will never get it, and will continue to keep failing. I’m pretty sure I still had those type of thoughts in my head about failing my test, but because I wasn’t bothered about failing I just didn’t buy into those thoughts. Those thoughts weren’t real to me so I didn’t spend time thinking them.

Can you see that thoughts are never a true picture of you and your life? Consider all the thoughts you have that you dismiss out of hand as nonsense. If you can see that some of the thoughts you have are made up, then can you see that since all thoughts are made of the same energy that powers life and our ability to experience life, that every thought is made up?

Again this is great news. What I see is the gift of Thought is purely here to enable us to experience life. With this gift I get to experience being a human and engage in what I feel drawn to. Thought is not trying to limit me in any way. The only psychological limits I have are those I place on myself, again by using this incredible gift of Thought.

So this gift of Thought enables me to feel disappointment and yet not become a disappointment or make true someone else to be a disappointment.

I can even appreciate feeling disappointment that I’m not able to articulate what I want to say on this topic in the way I think would be most useful (those are the thoughts swirling around my head right now as I type). Regardless of the thoughts about my ability to share eloquently enough I’m cracking on. I’m saying it the best way I can in this moment and I hope you hear something for yourself within it.

Much love

Sara

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