How to Deal with Difficult People

Who has never had to deal with a difficult person be the first to throw a stone. If you haven't had that experience, maybe it's because you're the difficult person in someone's life.

What is a difficult person to deal with?

Basically, it is that human being who, whether in the family, work or other social environments, makes communication marked by negative experiences, such as: the constant impression of lack of respect, rejection, aggressiveness, misunderstanding, hostility, aversion, antipathy, to name a few. And, as a result, it usually awakens the other person's worst side: the desire for retaliation, revenge, self-righteousness, compensation.

The relationship is avoided to escape the pain associated with the interaction, or, as an alternative, manipulation mechanisms are created to protect oneself from the negative sensations already mentioned. Which is not healthy.

So how do you deal with difficult people without compromising your personal values and not letting yourself become difficult in the process?

Here are some ways to better cope with the situation and preserve your physical and emotional health:

1. Have compassion: Remember that behind that behavior there is a person, a human being with a history, experiences, fears, and that you are probably unaware of their history.

Knowing the other's history will not justify their behavior, even so, maybe you will understand that, under the same conditions, you would behave in the same way or very similarly.

2. Be an ally: It's not you versus the other. Whenever you are interacting, try to see what the common point is, how you want to achieve the same result.

It's you two against the problem.

A good way to conduct this process is through good questions focused on solving the conflict/problem and not wanting to determine who is right or wrong.

3. Don't judge the person, judge the behavior: Nobody likes to be wrong. And particularly, I don't know anyone who is unanimity in terms of being disapproved of by everyone on everything.

All of us, myself included, are liked and disliked by other people not surprisingly for the same qualities.

Don't be surprised if someone likes you because you're a happy and radiant person, and someone else doesn't for the same reason (your happiness and radiant manner can be annoying to someone).

And once the behavior is addressed, the person doesn't need to be eliminated from your environment. The behavior is the problem, not the person.

Instead of judging “so-and-so is unpleasant”, he whole, in his entirety, understand that “so-and-so” when he speaks with rudeness (behavior) acts in an unpleasant way.

It is easier to promote change when the behavior to be treated is highlighted, than to say that the person is, in their identity, the label you have for them.

When we point fingers and accuse, we awaken in the other the instinct to protect themselves, which causes the problem to be reinforced and not resolved. There will be greater attachment in the practice of conduct, not its modification.

4. Manage time and space: It is important to point out that yes, there will be cases where it will be necessary to interrupt any and all connections with the other person when there is no indication that there is openness to changing behavior.

When I lived in New Zealand, in 2015, I met a Brazilian Chef, who was extremely charismatic, the kind of person who brightens the environment. However a compulsive liar. And not only did he tell his lies, he ended up trying to include me in them.

Not wanting to be involved in his lies, I decided to put an end in the friendship.

However, I understand that this is not always an option in some cases.

In some situations the difficult people with whom in relationships have strong bonds with us: parents, siblings, bosses and co-workers, to name a few.

In these cases, where completely severing the link may not be possible, the solution is to manage time and space.

Regarding time, it is to restrict interactions to the minimum time necessary. Don't expend more energy than necessary. Reducing the frequency and duration of each meeting.

With regard to space, it is the change of environment, creating a physical distance: moving from the parents' house or starting to work from home office, for example.

5. Lead your boss: Not everyone understands the concept of leadership well. Many hold to the fact that being in a managerial position is naturally a leadership position.

While the position of command comes with power and status, leadership is always the result of construction.

I remember that when I worked as a computer technician at MIP Engenharia, within Gerdau A?o Minas in Ouro Branco, and they asked me my role, I happily replied that I was 'Head of the IT Department' at my Worksite. Soon to clarify afterwards, with a smile in my face, that I was the only one in my department. My room was approximately 3 meters square. And all people with access to a computer at the time were competent to open a ticket. So I had “too many bosses”.

Even so, with no subordinates, hierarchically speaking, and with many “bosses” to serve, I received an invitation to teach a 2-hour leadership course at the company.

Perhaps you are in a work environment where you have a classic boss, bossy, difficult to deal with, and because he is in a “higher position” in the hierarchy, assume that he is the leader.

Not necessarily.

Leadership is not a “position”, no matter how much we try to classify it as such and make it official in companies. It is something more complex and complete that involves a mentality, identity, and behaviors.

The more you study about leadership cases, the more you may be surprised by stories where people performing functions devoid of prestige by nature of the function, exercised leadership functions and participated in major decisions in companies.

6. Change your perspective: One technique to broaden understanding, help to have more insights and make better decisions is to put yourself in the other's shoes.

It's amazing and surprising the expansion of consciousness when we put ourselves in the other person's shoes.

If for a moment you could see through the other person's eyes, feel what they feel, experience, being in their shoes, what it's like to deal with you, this will certainly broaden your view of the situation and the other.

7. Remember your own limitations: Being humble is one of the requirements for personal/professional growth and development.

Pride is the beginning of a fall (Proverbs 16:18).

It's easy to feel superior when we compare ourselves to our opponent, because, even as a matter of principle, to be able to judge someone, to give a label, we place ourselves in a position of superiority when doing so.

And being in a power situation is very tempting and addictive.

Even if the other person has behaviors to be improved, don't forget that you are not perfect.

Setting a high standard for others, feeling better than someone else, and pointing fingers will result in a person being highly critical of others and themselves.

And so the shot backfires!

You become your own cruelest critic.

I often see exacerbated self-criticism in the people I work with, who have difficulties with their bosses/leaders. They are their own judges and executioners.

Jesus made this clear when he said (Matthew 7:1): Judge not, that you be not judged. It's common to think that judgment will come from others, and forget that you will be your own and most implacable judge!

8. Hard shell, soft core: If there's one thing I've learned over the years as a coach, it's to ask good questions, using good guiding principles and values.

And one of those guides is the value of curiosity. Be more curious about life, people, experiences.

And something I started to ask myself a while ago is: what kind of person would do that? "That" equals "x". And “x” is the behavior practiced.

What kind of person needs to be rude, insensitive, harsh, narrow-minded, impose their will when dealing with a subordinate?

What kind of person needs to reassert his power, to embarrass those under his leadership?

Not that my answer is absolute and unique, even so, I understand that, after years of investing in my own personal development and helping other people to overcome their own limitations and fears, only a weak person with low self-esteem would act in such a way. a way to hurt others to establish one's position.

Great leaders, people with good self-esteem and self-confidence, do not feel challenged to prove their worth, to impose their will.

Also as they say: hurt people, hurt!

If the person you have to deal with needs to constantly assert and reaffirm his worth, it is possible that all this demonstration of external strength and power only serves to protect someone fragile and weak inside.

A simpler way to visualize this is to look at the body language of the most confident people. These are people who expose the most critical points of the body more, leaving them more vulnerable, and because they do this, they are unconsciously perceived as confident.

On the other hand, the most insecure people tend to protect the neck, chest, intimate parts, covering them with arms and legs, shrinking the body, becoming more withdrawn, leaving the most sensitive areas less visible, and therefore are perceived as shy.

So the next time you're with a person who has a very strength-reinforcing behavior, ask yourself: what kind of person would do something like that? And remember: you may be facing a fragile person.

With all that said, I want to end by sharing some wisdom I gained years ago that still makes perfect sense, even at the risk of sounding like a cliché.

We deal with the kind of people we need to help us grow. And until we learn the lesson that needs to be learned, we're going to keep meeting the same kind of people wherever we go.

In the end, the best way to deal with a difficult person is to learn what needs to be learned, and they will naturally walk out of your life. Not because they will stop appearing on your radar, the reason is because as you grow you will change, and consequently your experience with them will no longer be the same.

If you found this article useful and would like to accelerate your personal and professional growth, please contact me to schedule our conversation: [email protected]

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