How to deal with conflict in the workplace or at home

by J. Paul Nadeau

J. Paul Nadeau International Inc. *Keynote speaker, mentor and seminar leader

Whether you encounter it in the workplace or at home, it begs to be addressed. Conflict, that is. Nobody likes it, right? Well… maybe the odd idiot does; but for most of us, we avoid it. We just don’t like it. For some it’s scary. For others it’s confusing. But conflict, at some point in life, is simply unavoidable. It’s time we see and experience conflict for what it is: conflict is a normal and even healthy part of relationships. Yes, you read that right. When dealt with correctly, conflict can lead to greater understanding and better partnerships, be it personal or professional.

While we are each unique, we also share many similarities. Everyone has a personal point of view and we’re each entitled to our own opinions. On a planet with over 7 Billion people, not everybody is going to agree on everything, and consequently, at times our emotions may boil over and spill out in an effort to be heard and understood – to try to have someone see things our way. Or we’ll hide what’s at the core of our discontent and never get to the real issue. Internalizing how we feel is unhealthy. Period. Avoiding the issue is equally unhealthy.

Since we are so similar and yet different, it only makes sense that instead of fighting those differences, we make a heartfelt and worthy effort to try to understand them and get to the ‘heart’ of the matter. Or at least hear whoever we find ourselves in conflict with, out. We don’t always have to agree. That would be foolish and wrong. Let’s not resort to building walls – let’s build bridges instead.

By trying to see things from another person’s point of view, we not only connect with that individual on a deeper level of understanding, but we often discover something we might not have ever known had we not ‘listened’ to them. It also provides us a wonderful opportunity to share our point of view once we’ve actively listened to the others’. Believe me, in my years as a police detective, hostage negotiator, professional interrogator and international peacekeeper, there were many opportunities for me to discover things I’d never known and to make connections I had never believed possible. And that, I did. I built bridges instead of walls and that resulted in many successes.

My goal in writing this article is to help you approach conflict and embrace it differently: to see it as opportunity, and not as something to fear or avoid. Conflict is opportunity for discovery and creativity as well as a chance to build stronger relationships. Since relationship conflicts are inevitable, learning to deal with them effectively and in a healthy way is crucial.

I like to refer to conflict resolution as communicating for peace; communicating for greater understanding and simply, non-confrontational communication. I’ve discovered many ways of deescalating conflict in my past and they’ve worked in every aspect of my professional and personal life. They’ll work for you as well.

When dealing with conflict, we must first manage ourselves before we ever consider managing or influencing the behaviour of others. Conflict is not something to avoid necessarily – yes, there are times we should avoid it and know when to walk away, but most other times we must face it bravely and fearlessly; we must see it as an opportunity to learn, discover and understand the point of view of others which may translate to endless possibility. Our intent in dealing with conflict is to build bridges – not walls.

By approaching conflict in this way, we often awaken a spirit of cooperation from the other party as opposed to the original resistance we might have faced. Once we ask as opposed to dictate, listen first as opposed to speaking first, a greater opportunity for relationship repair and/or building as well greater understanding is often results. This leads to far better outcomes that far outweigh avoidance and aggression.

Why should this article – and my services as a keynote speaker, mentor or seminar leader - be of particular interest to you? After all, you’re not a hostage negotiator. You’re not working for the United Nations on a peacekeeping mission, nor are you interrogating hardened criminals. So, what’s in it for you? How can you apply conflict resolution techniques to your circumstances, personal and professional? As I said before, we all deal with conflict on many different levels and in many different circumstances. Conflict is conflict; and although the degrees of conflict vary, the rules and techniques for dealing with conflict are essentially the same. You can use these conflict resolution skills to improve your work relationships, your personal relationships and in dealing with those hard-to-get-along-with clients. Knowing how to deal effectively with conflict will improve your quality of life both at home and in the workplace. You’ll be more respected and appreciated, and that, is only the tip of the iceberg. That’s why this should be of particular interest to you. So, let’s begin.

Conflict management

If conflict is mismanaged, it can severely hurt even the best of relationships. When handled in a respectful and positive way, conflict provides an opportunity for growth and understanding, and can strengthen the bond between people. Discovering skills to successfully resolve conflict can keep your personal and professional relationships strong and healthy.

The theory of reciprocation

The theory of reciprocation suggests that we generally get back what we give. Treating others the way we would like to be treated ourselves provides for greater connection, greater understanding, building bridges and new discoveries to name just a few. It provides an opportunity for cooperation and relationship enhancement.

When we treat others the way we would like to be treated in return, they most often do the same. Most people will mirror how you treat them. Approach them aggressively and they’re likely to treat you aggressively. Approach another with dignity and respect, and they’re likely to treat you with dignity and respect in return. I smile at you and you smile at me. It’s simply the way things work. It’s how we’re hardwired.

How do you suppose this works and applies to the workplace or at home? Think about a time that you ignored another when you shouldn’t have, or a time you were harsh with your particular message or lesson to another. How do you suppose that made the recipient feel? And how did that make you feel? If you had been in their shoes, how would you have liked it?

Approaching conflict differently

When we begin to see conflict as opportunity, we must begin to refer to it differently as well. Using better terms and images helps make the interaction easier.

Conflict arises from differences. It happens when we disagree over things like values, motivations, perceptions ideas or desires. When a conflict triggers strong feelings and emotions, a deep personal and relational need is most often at the core of it. We all need to feel safe and secure; we all need to feel respected and valued; we all have a need for greater closeness and intimacy.

One of the greatest discoveries I made in my years as a police officer was discovering that the person across from me was more similar to me than they were different. Once I began to imagine what it would be like to be in their shoes, my approach became different. I chose my words more carefully, my body expressions and facial expressions (body language) were different and I separated the act from the person, no matter what I was dealing with. I set out to engage with greater understanding and empathy. I imagined what it would be like for me to be sitting in their chair, wearing their shoes or experiencing what they were going through. Empathy and compassion go a long way at building trust, connection and likability.

One thing to keep in mind however is that if you’re out of touch with your own feelings or so stressed that you can only pay attention to a limited number of your own emotions, you’ll find it difficult to understand theirs. When dealing with conflict or enforcement, leave your ego behind. Connect and understand yourself first. Be clear on your intent. Leave your personal problems or feelings about the matter behind… for the moment. You’ll have a chance to bring them out later. But first, make it about being in the moment with the person you’re dealing with. Believe that their opinion is important and welcomed, and they’ll believe it too. They’ll feel validated. They’ll feel like they’re being heard and appreciated. And that goes a long way to resolving conflict and building bridges as opposed to walls. It will come out in your tone of voice, your chosen words and your body language. It will come out in your eyes, your micro-expressions and more… and they’ll feel it.

In personal relationships, a lack of understanding about differing needs can result in distance, arguments and breakups. At times we fear or don’t see what’s really troubling us. That’s why it’s so important that we examine ourselves and our own motivations before we even begin to examine or try to dissected the motivations of others. In work place conflicts, differing needs are often at the heart of bitter disputes. When you can recognize the legitimacy of conflicting needs and become willing to examine them in an environment of compassionate understanding, it opens pathways to creative problem-solving, teambuilding and improved relationships. When you resolve conflict and disagreement quickly and painlessly, using an approach of openness vulnerability and understanding, mutual trust will flourish. Nip conflict when it first arises. Don’t let it grow out of hand.

Yes – again, manage yourself first. Manage stress while remaining alert and calm. By remaining calm, you can accurately read and interpret verbal and nonverbal communication coming from yourself and the other person. Yes, be aware of the other persons verbal and nonverbal cues as well as your own. Control your emotions and behaviour. Take a deep breath if you have to. Interject a little humor if that helps. Let people see that you’re vulnerable and that you’re just like them. You can communicate your needs without threatening, frightening or punishing others. Remember, the person sitting across from you is just like you.

One very important thing to remember is that when people are in crisis or confronted with conflict, their heart often beats faster, louder and stronger. Chances are, they won’t hear a thing you’re saying for several seconds while their body is going through the “fight or flight” syndrome and they try to make sense of what you’ve just said. Imagine it like this: when people are in crisis or experiencing a great deal of stress, it’s like having their head underwater listening to the voices above them. There’s no way they can make it out. It’s almost like the teacher in a Charlie Brown cartoon. Remember what he or she sounded like? It’s imperative that you recognize this because speaking louder and faster won’t change a thing; other than to increase their already heightened and out of control anxiety. Slow things down. Nod your head in empathy and comfort, and give the exchange a few breaths before you begin to speak softly to help bring their level of anxiety down. Ask if they’re okay. They may have to vent, so let them.

Watch them carefully and keep a safe distance, but don’t interrupt. And for goodness sake, never tell anybody to “calm down!” Try to understand instead. Pay attention to the feelings being expressed as well as the spoken words. Be aware of and respectful of the differences. By avoiding disrespectful words and actions, you’ll be able resolve the crisis much faster. Letting them talk about it will help them immensely. There’s no need to bully anyone to get the job done. You don’t need to speak faster or louder - or dictate to them what they ought to be feeling. In fact the opposite is what is needed. You need to slow things down and be compassionate. Ego has no place in conflict resolution.

Remember, everybody deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. Remember the theory of reciprocation? If you begin to speak softer, than chances are, they will too. They may begin to speak softer simply because they want to hear what you have to say next. And your next words should be supportive or inquisitive to determine how they’re truly feeling and where you go next. Everyone has an inherent need to be acknowledged, heard and understood. Seeking first to understand another’s point of view while remaining open to it creates connection. Seek first to understand and then to be understood.

Conflict triggers strong emotions and can lead to hurt feelings, disappointment and discomfort. When handled poorly, it can cause irreparable riffs, resentments and breakups. When conflict is resolved in a healthy way, it increases our understanding of one another, builds trust and bridges and strengthens our relationship bonds. In your personal relationships, that translates to a happier life. In your professional relationships, that translates to a happier work environment. Clients will cooperate more easily and co-workers will be more satisfied.

Unhealthy responses to conflict

Unhealthy responses to conflicts include an inability to recognize and respond to matters of great importance to the other person. They involve explosive, angry, hurtful and resentful actions and reactions. They may include the withdrawal of love, resulting in rejection, isolation, shaming in fear of abandonment. When handled poorly, the expectation of bad outcomes increase.

Healthy responses to conflict

Healthy responses to conflict involve the capacity to recognize and respond to important matters when dealing with others. It involves a readiness to forgive and forget. It involves the ability to seek compromise and avoid punishment. It involves a belief that resolution can support the interests and needs of both parties. It means being present in the moment and being willing to listen. It involves caring enough to understand and even help. Whenever possible.

Active listening

Contrary to popular belief, active listening is not a passive action. It involves using all our senses and it’s one of our greatest keys to conflict resolution. When people are upset, the words they use rarely convey the issues and needs at the heart of the matter. When we listen for what is felt as well as what is said, we connect more deeply with our own needs and emotions and to those of the other person. Truly listening, actively, with encouragers, head nods and prompting allows for real feelings to come out. Paraphrase what is being said. Encourage the other person to continue speaking. Show genuine interest in what the other person is saying. Listen to the reason the other person gives for being upset. Encourage them to speak. Make sure you understand what the other person is telling you from his or her point of view. That may be as simple as asking, “If I understand you correctly what you’re saying is… is that right?” Ask if anything remains unspoken, giving the other person time to think before answering. Never be in a rush.

One of our biggest problems is: “We don’t listen!!” Resist the temptation to interject your own point of view until the other person has said everything he or she has to say and feels that you’ve listened to and understood their message. We all have an inherent need to be heard, validated and understood. Don’t “listen” by imagining what you’re going to say next. If you do this, you’ll only pick up on a fraction of what they’re saying and they’ll know you’re not in the moment, listening to them.

Encouragers

There are both verbal and nonverbal “encouragers”. Nonverbal encouragers are things like head nods, leaning in, looking intently at the other and broadcasting the message “tell me more” without saying a word.

Verbal encouragers include statements such as, “I want to understand what’s upsetting you”, “I want you to know that I’m here to listen and work with you”, “uh-huh”, “go on” and even repeating the last three words they said as though it were a question. For example, if the other person tells you “… And it hurt” you follow by asking, “And it hurt…?” They’ll give you more information.

Clarify the issues rather than making assumptions. Never assume. Ask clarifying questions that allow you to gain greater information which conveys to the other person that you’ve been truly listening and trying to understand them. Restate and reflect feelings: “If I understand you correctly, it sounds like you were expecting that to happen”. Reflecting feelings requires being as clear as possible: “I can imagine how upsetting that must’ve been for you”. Validate the concerns of the other person even if a solution is elusive at the time. Expressing appreciation can be a very powerful message if it’s conveyed with integrity and respect: “I really appreciate that we’re talking about this”, “I’m glad we’re trying to figure this out”, “I’m committed to making this work”, “I’d really like for us to work this out”.

Delivering bad news

Delivering unpleasant news is part of many people’s jobs. It takes courage. The way in which you deliver that news is a reflection of who you are as a person and also a reflection of your organization. You have a responsibility to yourself and to the person receiving the news to do deliver it compassionately and professionally. No “hit & runs”. There’s just no easy way to deliver bad news. The best way is to imagine yourself in the receiver’s shoes. Hit-and-run’s don’t work. Dignity and respect does. Leaving the receiver with hope and a sense of understanding will be memorable to that individual. Wherever possible, consider follow-up or providing guidance.

Conflict Resolution Skills

1. Remain in control

It’s imperative that when dealing with conflict, you remain in control of yourself first. The ability to remain relaxed and focused on the situation is a vital aspect to conflict resolution. You must remain in control of yourself if you have any hope of connecting with the person you’re with and ultimately in controlling the outcome of the situation. You can accomplish this in several ways: try taking a deep breath and focusing on your intent. Focus on the moment and the opportunity before you. Be aware of your body language, your tone of voice and the very words you use. If the person across from you is breaking apart, you certainly don’t want to mirror them or escalate things by speaking quicker or disengaging completely. Take your time. Have an open body posture. Speak softly and compassionately and let your words be reflected in your body language and attitude.

2. Recognize and manage your emotions

Emotional awareness is one of the keys to understanding yourself and others. If you don’t know how you feel or why you feel the way you do, you won’t be able to communicate effectively with the other person or smooth over disagreements. Are you ready for it? For the discussion; in finding a solution – in repairing the damage or whatever? If you’re the one approaching the topic, you ought to be. If someone has approached you with the conflict, it’s all right to step back and take a few moments to digest before you get right in it. It’s OK to ask for a moment. Chances are, it will take you a few moments to regain composure and control of yourself if you’re hit unexpectedly. Fear and uncertainty may creep in, but take a deep breath, understand that you’re in control (or about to regain control because you just can) and move forward. You’re stronger than you think. And if you don’t think you are, tell yourself that anyway. The more you tell yourself that, the more you’ll believe it.

Many people ignore or try to sedate strong emotions like anger, sadness and fear. But your ability to handle conflict depends on being connected to those feelings. If you’re afraid of strong emotions or if you insist on finding solutions that are strictly rational, your ability to break down and resolve differences will be jeopardized. It’s alright for someone to be angry, including yourself. It’s how you manage, control and react to it that matters.

Body language

Without a doubt, one of the most important ways of communicating is nonverbally. So much information is exchanged during conflict and arguments nonverbally - and with every other setting as well. Nonverbal communication includes eye contact, facial expressions, micro-expressions, posture, touch and gestures. Even the tone of your voice.

When you’re in the middle of the conflict, paying close attention to the other persons nonverbal signals will help you figure out what the other person is really saying, how they’re really feeling and what you should do next. This allows you to respond in a way that builds trust and gets to the root of the crisis. It also allows you to gauge whether you’re at risk. Despite the conflict or crisis, always keep a safe distance. Be aware of your surroundings. Pick your spot. Know as much about the person you’re dealing with as possible. Remain alert and in control. Generally speaking, loud and shouting voice = loud and shouting body language. Step back, slowly put up your palms and speak calmly. Watch their eyes and their body. Remain alert.

Nonverbal signals such as a calm voice, a reassuring touch or a concerned facial expression can go a long way towards diffusing a heated exchange. Use your body language and your tone of voice effectively and purposefully. Be aware of what messages your body is transmitting and also be aware of sudden changes in theirs. Try using the playful tone of voice or a DJ's voice when appropriate and necessary.

Tips for managing and resolving conflict

·        Managing and resolving conflict requires emotional maturity, self-control and empathy

·        Make the relationship your priority. Maintaining and strengthening the relationship rather than winning the argument should always be your first priority

·        Be respectful of the other person and his or her viewpoints

·        Focus on the moment. The past is past and if you’re holding onto old hurts or resentments, your ability to see the reality of the current situation will be impaired. Focus rather on what you can do in the moment to solve the problem

·        Pick your battles. Conflict can be draining and often unnecessary

·        Be willing to forgive. Resolving conflict is impossible if you’re unwilling or unable to forgive. Resolution lies in releasing the urge to punish, which can never compensate for losses and only adds to injury by further depleting and draining our lives and energy

·        Know when to let something go. If you can’t come to an agreement, agree to disagree. It takes 2 people to keep an argument going after all. If a conflict is going nowhere, you can choose to disengage and move on. Not everybody is going to cooperate, and that’s just reality.

Fair fighting ground rules

 ·        Remain calm. Try not to overreact to difficult situations. By remaining calm, it will be more likely that others will consider your viewpoint. Not only that, by remaining calm you set the tone for the discussion.

·        Express feelings in words, not actions. Telling somebody directly and honestly how you feel is a very powerful form of communication. If you start to feel so angry or upset that you feel you may lose control, take a moment and do something to help yourself feel steadier. Tell the other person you need a moment.

·        Be specific about what’s bothering you. Vague complaints are hard to work on.

·        Deal with only one issue at a time.

·        Never introduce other topics until each is fully discussed. This avoids the “kitchen sink” effect where people throw in all of their complaints while not allowing anything to be resolved.

·        No hitting below the belt. Attacking areas of personal sensitivity creates an atmosphere of distrust, anger and vulnerability.

·        Avoid accusations. Accusations will cause others to defend themselves. Instead, talk about how someone’s actions make you feel.

·        Don’t generalize. Avoid words like “never” or “always”. Such generalizations are usually inaccurate and will heighten tensions

·        Stick to the facts and your honest feelings and don’t make anything up.

·        Avoid remaining silent when it’s your turn to speak. Positive results can only be reached with two-way communication.

·        Be honest and open. If you’ve made a mistake, admit it. Act like an adult.

·        Remember: the person sitting across from you is just like you

 

I could go on and on – and would be happy to. Just message me for more information. I’d be happy to help you on a personal or professional level. I’m available for keynotes, mentoring or with a seminar. To book any of my services, contact me directly or through A-Speakers. https://www.a-speakers.com/

 References: J. Paul Nadeau & https://www.edcc.edu/counseling/documents/conflict.pdf