How Dare You? The Truth about Independence and Being a Burden

A few weeks ago, it was stupid cold in Kansas City. As I was getting ready to walk to the gym (I can’t drive because of a vision impairment), my dear friend, Barb, who lives around the corner called.

“I’m about to go run some errands. Is there anywhere you need to go?” she asked.

It was incredibly thoughtful of her to think of me and how hard it would be to walk to the grocery store during the upcoming “snowpocalypse.”

“Thanks so much, but I stocked up on food a couple days ago. I’m good! Besides, I’m headed to the gym.”

“I’ll drive you. It’s on my way anyways,” she said, leaving no room for argument.

A few minutes later, she picked me up. As we pulled up to the gym, she asked what time my class ended. I told her, and she said, “I can pick you up.”

I declined her offer, telling her I had snow pants and boots in my bag and that I’d be fine.

“Ashley, it’s not a problem. I can pick you up.”

Before I could respond again, this thought popped unbidden into my mind.

How dare you!

How DARE you, Ashley!

Slicing through the don’t be a burden/don’t ask for help/you should be grateful to have friends, don’t be the weird disabled girl thoughts that usually linger just beneath the surface, that louder, clearer, and, frankly, more helpful thought chastised me.

How dare you presume to know what is best for Barb. How dare you take it upon yourself to make a decision for her. She is an incredibly smart, incredibly strong woman capable of making her own decisions, and hers is to offer to pick you up in a couple hours. Let her.

So I accepted and gratefully hopped into her toasty warm SUV after yoga ended.

You Are Not a Burden

Shortly after that day, I was on a catch-up call with Beth, a friend from grad school. We were talking about that Aha moment, and she made a comment that stuck with me.

“Your friend literally signed up to be burdened by you. That’s what they signed up for. It’s part of the bargain.”

That struck a chord.

I know for me, the people I choose to be in relationship with matter. Their happiness matters. Their wellbeing matters. I want to help. I want to support, do favors for, get in the trenches with, and do life and business alongside them, with our efforts intertwined. Why in the world would it be any different for the people who have chosen me?

Yet, so many of us are plagued by the mental directive to not be a burden. That thought crops up in so many unnecessary situations. Needing help is not a burden. Sharing the load, talking about what’s going on in your life, or taking up space is not a burden.

Now, constantly dumping your shit on someone while refusing to take personal responsibility or reciprocating is probably being a burden. But being a human living in this world and leaning on your tribe is not. It’s how we were meant to live.

It’s time to remember that and revamp some of our good ol’ American ideals.

Pathological Independence

When my vision tanked and I had to stop driving, one of my biggest fears was losing my independence. The idea of not being able to do everything on my own terrified me. My mind has been programmed by this deeply individualistic culture that I was raised in, and I fiercely value my independence.

But too much of a good thing isn’t necessarily good.

It can become pathological, meaning it causes harm to you or others.

Pathological independence harms us by robbing us of community and connection. It fosters isolation and superficial interaction. We end up more stressed out than we need to be by trying to go it alone or heaping on undeserved guilt when we do ask for help. Ultimately, it leaves us feeling lonely and overwhelmed by the demands of life.

We feel like a burden.

Pathological independence harms others, too.

At the risk of painting myself in a pretty poor light, I am reminded of an incident several years ago. I lived downtown and was used to walking with “dead eyes,” communicating don’t bother me, especially to unhoused individuals. One day, I was walking into my apartment building, and I saw a man lying on the sidewalk, seemingly passed out. I oh-so-briefly debated what to do, then I walked right past him into the building. I stopped in the front office and told the manager about him, and she said someone had already called 911. I headed up to my apartment, shame-faced.

How could I not immediately drop what I was doing to make sure he was ok? Clearly he wasn’t, but what kind of person just walks past?

A pathologically independent one. One who thinks we are each responsible for ourselves and that it’s not our job to take care of our fellow humans, that we do not have any obligation to the welfare of our species.

I am all for not my circus, not my monkeys. But that applies to not taking on responsibility that isn’t yours or getting swept up into unnecessary drama. That’s not good advice when it leads you to be a bad human.

I was not as compassionate back then as I am now, and I hope to goodness that today I would stop, that I would be a helper.

Unintentional Selfishness

Pathological independence also leads us to consider our own wants and needs, often at the expense of others. As our world becomes increasingly interconnected, we just can’t afford to do that anymore. We need to consider the greater good. We need to think about the impact I’ll get mine has on others. We need to embrace interdependence.

I find myself often looking for the Goldilocks zone these days, the middle ground between two extremes. My options are not be fiercely independent or be a burden. There is so much gray in between.

Interdependent means recognizing that our wants and needs are intermingled. That our wellbeing depends on that of others. That our goals can be reached or exceeded when we work together. That our success can be amplified when we partner with someone else. That the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

An Interdependent World

I have decided to refresh a couple rooms in my house with a new coat of paint. My default tendency is to envision doing this task on my own or maybe hiring it out because it feels pretty hard. Instead, I am channeling a woman named Mac, a friend of a friend, who told me about her friend group who gets together regularly to help each other with home projects. The host makes food for the day, and they capitalize on individual skills - carpentry, concrete, plumbing - and the rest of their willingness to learn and do work. They’ve built decks together, laid driveways, and done things that seem unfathomable to me. They do it together, helping each other out while forging bonds. I was envious hearing about it.

Now here I am, with a similar opportunity. I’ve had a couple people offer to help me paint, and I feel my knee-jerk inclination to say no.

How dare I? They are offering, and I trust them to know what is right for them. It’s time to let my village show up. I am not a burden, and I am not losing my independence.

As we move into a time when things feel increasingly tumultuous, I don’t think the answer is hyper-independence or even coming together (partially) by adhering to a strong Us-Them mentality. What would happen if we could all get comfortable operating from a place of interdependence? I can’t help but imagine what the ripple effects could be. I believe we’d all do better together.

“Being strong didn’t mean that you didn’t need anyone. Those around you were the source of your strength.” - Renarin Kholin in Wind and Truth by Brandon Sanderson

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