How to Create a Culture of Respect

My previous newsletter discussed how The Great Resignation is actually The Great Reassessment. People are reassessing how and where they want to spend their time and talent, and they're resigning from jobs where they are, repeatedly, not treated with respect.

The question is, what can we do about it?

We can each take personal responsibility for creating a workplace of respect.

The good news is, we don't have to to be a CEO or business owner to do this.

Anyone can create a a more respectful workplace.

How? By using what I call "the etymology of respect."

Etymology is the "study of the source of words."

Synonyms of etymology include "root, wellspring, seed, foundation, birthplace."

After 20+ years of speaking, writing, and researching the topic of communication, I've come to believe the root of respect is in the words we choose to use.

There are Words to Lose that cause resentment and resistance.

And there are Words to Use that create receptivity and rapport.

A sampling of Words to Lose includes:

* but ("I hear what you're saying, but ..." "I know it's important to you, but...")

* should ("You should have told me." "You should have signed up sooner.")

* have to ("You have to get this finished by noon. You need to work faster.")

Look what happens when you replace those Words to Lose with Words to Use.

* and ("I hear what you're saying, and ..." "I know it's important to you, and...")

* next time ("Next time, please tell me." "Next time, you might want to sign up")

* could you please ("Could you please speed things up so this is done by noon.")

Words to Lose also include dismissive/disparaging labels like "stupid," "crazy," "ridiculous," and accusations like "You don't know what you're talking about."

Want an example of how to respond if you're in a situation where people are using Words to Lose?

A colleague, Judy, was meeting with a powerful tech exec known for his bullying. In the middle of the meeting, he demanded that Judy stop offering tech training to her organization's members because he felt it was a conflict of interest.

He didn't stop there. He called her organization "bush league" and a "joke."

Instead of getting angry or suffering in silence, Judy stood up for herself (literally and figuratively) and said, "George, I am glad to continue this conversation as long as we agree to discuss this professionally. If not, we can address this another time when you're ready to treat me and my organization with respect."

He was stunned. No one had called him on his inappropriate behavior before. He apologized and they were able to work out an amenable agreement.

Please note, Judy did several things that transformed what took place.

1. She used the other person's name. This is a pattern interrupt. It causes a pause and motivates someone to stop talking and start listening.
2. She (literally and figuratively) stood up for herself. This is a tangible way of saying, "I'm not taking this sitting down." People who are trying to dominate you are trying to be tall and make you small. When you stand up, you don't just level the playing field, you take charge of the playing field. You are no longer "shrinking" and passively submitting to verbal abuse. You are standing up for your right to be treated with respect.
3. She didn't retaliate with name-calling. Calling him a bully or jerk would have escalated the situation because now they're both attacking each other.
4. She used words that expressed what she did want vs. what she didn't. Issuing an ultimatum or marching off with, "I don't have to take this," it would have resulted in a lose-lose. By using words like "Glad to continue the conversation, treat each other with respect," she planted proactive word seeds and painted a word picture of the desired (vs. dreaded) behavior.

Another way to create a more respectful culture is to book-end emails, zoom calls, virtual meetings with warm words like "Thank you. Grateful. Glad. Appreciate. Welcome. Look Forward" to humanize interactions.

A client said she frequently receives abrupt one-line texts like "Did you send that document?" "Will you be at the meeting?" "Have you proofed that report?"

She said, "I understand people are busy, but these are so abrupt/demanding."

She's right.

It only takes seconds to add "Thank you for bringing this to my attention," "I look forward to seeing you." "We appreciate the time you spent on this," "I'm glad we're on the same team" to bring decency/dignity into our communications.

And if you disagree? Set a precedent for courtesy with, "We have different points of view about this," "Something we might want to take into account is," "Let's brainstorm how to move forward" to establish a tone of grace and diplomacy.

Creating a culture of respect has to start somewhere. Let it start with us.

These suggestions won't solve everything. They're a start. After all, as Martin Luther King, Jr. said, "The time is always right to do what is right."

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Excerpted from Sam Horn's book, Talking on Eggshells, which Whole Foods Founder John Mackey calls, "A course-correct for today's cancel culture."