How to Create Autism Friendly Family Gatherings

Throughout the months of November and December, I was reminded of the unique challenges faced by autistic people when it comes to family gatherings. Even with the ones we most deeply love, interacting with the pressures that arise with travel or hosting extended family members can create significant barriers. These barriers can impact our socialization, communication, sensory issues, and integration into family activities.

However, there is no reason to not include autistic family members in family gatherings. As we move into 2023, I wanted to provide some things which may help you do just that during the year ahead.

Understand the Autistic Perspective

The first thing to understand in creating autism-friendly family gatherings is that autistic individuals experience the world differently than their neurotypical loved ones. Although each autistic person is as unique as our own fingerprints (as Dr. Stephen Shore has said "If you've met one person with autism, you've met one person with autism."), there are broad commonalities that we share. For instance, we think, socialize, and experience the world through our senses in ways much more closely aligned to other autistic people rather than our neurotypical peers.

If you're unfamiliar with autistic traits (or the traits of those with other neurodifferences, such as ADHD, dyslexia, and dyscalculia), by colleagues Ranga, Khushboo, and I hold free online sessions twice a month as a public service to anyone who is interested. For the month of January, these sessions will be held on January 5th and also January 23rd, and more information can be found here.

Exercise Compassionate Curiosity

Whether you are traveling to a family member's home for a gathering, or hosting extended family at your own home, placing yourself in a position of compassionate curiosity will aid your autistic loved one. Just because you experience an event or environment one way does not mean that others experience those things the same way as you. I teach my autistic students not only to appreciate themselves, but to appreciate how neurotypical people experience the world around them and how that is different that the autistic experience. As a neurotypical family member, being curious enough to pause and assess a situation through an autistic lens may go a long way to ensure that the autistic person in your life is accommodated.

Accomodate

I wish I could give you a standard template to use for family gatherings but, as I have stated above, each autistic person is unique. If you are an extended family member of an autistic person who is a child, check with their parents regarding what accommodations best work for them. And if the child is old enough, or if the autistic person is an adult, feel comfortable in asking what makes that person comfortable in a family setting (actually, that is a great tip to use with any family member).

Sensory Issues

I've mentioned that autistic people experience the world through our senses much differently than our neurotypical family members and peers. For many of us, one, several, or all of our senses can be felt more intensely than the general population. The intensity of these senses can also vary with the introduction of stress, lack of sleep, or extra sensory input.

In my own life as an autistic person, I often remark on how I find this sensory intensity to be a rather neutral trait. For instance, I am extremely sensitive to frequency differences when it comes to sound. If I am walking in the woods, that could be wonderful as I might appreciate the rustling of a distant leaf in a way that a neurotypical friend walking beside me may not. However, put me in a family gathering with several independent conversations happening all-at-once in the same room, and I may struggle cognitively in forming my thoughts or may experience all those differences in sound as physical pain.

Your autistic loved one may experience sound, touch, smell, taste, or sight in a similar way that I have described above. How they do this is wholly unique to them and may fluctuate. Sensory activity that they may tolerate - or even enjoy - at home with immediately family members may become difficult to cope with if the autistic person is introduced to a new environment (or if new people are introduced to their own environment).

As André 3000 once sang "You can plan a pretty picnic, but you can't predict the weather." Whether or not your autistic loved one can cope with new sensory input can't be predicted, but can be planned for. This planning is something that I try to employ in my own life and also encourage in my autistic students. As such, here are some tips from me and other autistic individuals which have worked for us:

• Establish a sensory retreat. Whether this is a guest bedroom, an outside spot in the yard, or even a closet, having a place where your autistic loved one can retreat to in order to escape sensory input (including socialization with family members) is an important coping strategy. Ensure that the autistic person has agency in choosing this location, that it is comfortable to them, and that (if appropriate to share) other family members understand that this is a space where the autistic person should not be disturbed. [As an adult, I don't make a habit of announcing to family members that I have a "sensory safe space". However, I do quietly let people know that there may be times that I need to retreat somewhere in order to cope with sensory input.]
• Evaluate sensory needs. Whether it is how certain foods taste, or how particular clothes and fabrics feel, or how certain lighting impacts them, each autistic person has sensory needs particular to them. Parents of autistic children often know these particular needs by heart, and when travel, family, and extra tasks enter the mix, it's more important than ever to ensure that these needs are met.
• Watch for signs of sensory overload. As an autistic person, I was never taught how to recognize signs of sensory overload in myself - and I constantly find other autistic adults who have experienced the same. If you are an autistic person, take the time to get to know yourself in this way so that you can take steps to accommodate and/or advocate for yourself with sensory issues become too much. If you are a parent of an autistic person, take the time to evaluate how your child is responding to sensory input at the family gathering so that you can assist them if needed. And if you are an extended family member unfamiliar with the signs of sensory overload in your autistic loved one - well, it is just good practice to check in with all family members amidst a family gathering to see how they are doing and if they need anything.
• Foster routines and items of accommodation. Routines and accommodation items (fidget toys, noise-canceling headphones, familiar meals, favored pieces of fabric, or much-loved books and/or media items, etc.) are often essential to the autistic person. During travel or family gatherings, not all of these things can be provided. However, strive to provide as many of these routines and items as possible in order to help your autistic loved one better integrate into your family event.

Socialization

Just as autistic people experience the world through our senses in ways different than our neurotypical family members and peers, we also socialize differently as well. This includes both how we interact with others, as well as how we communicate.

• Touch. I love hugs (love them). However, as an autistic person, hugs can sometimes be difficult for me if my senses are overloaded or if I am experiencing stress. During these times, being hugged by loved ones can also add anxiety as I fear that my response may seem less-than-enthusiastic if I am experiencing the hug as something of stress or as pain. It never hurts to ask if someone wants a hug, and then respect their response.
• Understand gift giving. When it comes to gift-giving, autistic people often put a lot of thought into the gifts they give others. Even if not apparent at first, many gifts given by autistic people will reference a desire, experience, or conversation expressed by the recipient - even if the reference point was years ago.
• Accommodate gift receiving. The act of an autistic person receiving-and-opening a gift in front of other family members can often induce anxiety in the autistic person. The reason is that how we socialize and communicate may not be understood by others. Our enthusiasm may be great, but our expression of enthusiasm may be read by others as 'flat' or 'inadequate'. However, know that this most likely is not the case. Being watched publicly by others as we reply, may also mute our response.
• Limit surprises. New situations, information, sensory input, or changes in routine can interfere with our ability to socialize with loved ones. The more information you can provide ahead of time, the better we will be able to integrate ourselves. If traveling, pictures of an unfamiliar destination may help, so may being given an expected schedule for the day ahead (along with a caveat that 'things may change'). When it comes to air travel in the United States, the TSA also provides additional accommodations upon request.

• Understand how we bond. Autistic people more easily bond through shared interests and shared experiences. In contrast, small talk for us can be difficult. Asking about our interest, or sharing with us an activity that we enjoy, can help us better integrate into a family gathering. Additionally, if you see an autistic family member making inquiries into the stated interests of others or attempting to join-in in an activity being done by a family member - encourage that. In those cases, the autistic person is attempting to be more social.
• Including pets. Interactions between individuals and pets are always unique to them. However, it is difficult for me to overlook the stereotype that many autistic people are "great with dogs" or "great with cats". Often, we are. Plus, positively interacting with pets sometimes provides a sensory or socialization escape when we are unsure of how we fit into a new surrounding or experience. If you see an autistic person bonding with another family member's pet, encourage that.

Final Thoughts

I again must emphasize that each autistic person is different, and that no one approach fits all. As you include autistic family members into family events as we enter 2023, it is important to be compassionate and curious enough to find out what works for their particular needs.

All humans want to feel loved, and to feel that they belong. This is no different for autistic people, although barriers often exist which leave us feeling isolated or left-out. The more we can circumnavigate these barriers - to figure out the mechanisms that allow the autistic family member to feel included in our family gatherings - the better off they will be. In fact, that's something we should practice with all family members, regardless of who they are.

Here's wishing you a wonderful New Year, and a very happy 2023.

_________________________

John Marble is the founder of?Pivot Neurodiversity?and is a training partner and instructor with Neurodiversity Pathways.?

He is autistic.

#Neurodiversity ?#Disability?#disabilityinclusion?#Autistic?#Autism?#Dyslexia?#Dyspraxia?#ADHD?#Neurodivergent #TSA #2023 #NewYear