How to craft the perfect passive aggressive sign and get people to cleanup the office kitchen

Whether we’re at work, at home, or out in the world, we’re all constantly trying to persuade or influence people to do what we want them to do (even if what we want them to do is to leave us alone).

If we ask the question “How do I respond to expectations?” we gain explosive knowledge about ourselves and others. I discovered that people fit into Four Tendencies: Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, and Rebels. Our Tendency shapes every aspect of our behavior.

When we consider our own Tendency, we can create circumstances and messages that will work best for us, and when we consider other people’s Tendencies, we can create circumstances and messages that will work best for them.

It’s all too easy to assume that what persuades us will persuade others—which isn’t true. One of my Secrets of Adulthood is that we’re more like other people than we suppose and less like other people than we suppose. And it’s very hard to keep that in mind.

In a nutshell, to influence someone to follow a certain course, it’s helpful to remember:

? Upholders want to know what should be done

? Questioners want justifications

? Obligers need accountability

? Rebels want freedom to do something their own way

Similarly, we’re more likely to be persuasive when we invoke the values that have special appeal for a particular Tendency:

? Upholders value self-command and performance

? Questioners value justification and purpose

? Obligers value teamwork and duty

? Rebels value freedom and self-identity

Because the Tendencies see the world in such different ways, there are no magic, one-size-fits-all solutions for how to influence ourselves or other people. I exercise regularly because it’s on my to-do list; a Questioner rattles off the health benefits; an Obliger takes a weekly bike ride because he’s found an exercise partner; and a Rebel runs when it suits her, whenever she feels like being outside.

My Questioner father told me how he quit smoking: “Your mother and I were still struggling with money, and I’d calculate how much money I’d save by not buying cigarettes—and then if I invested that money, how much I’d make.” He crunched the numbers and focused on the benefits of quitting. By contrast, an Obliger friend quit smoking by thinking about his obligation to his baby son: “Now that I have a child, I can’t take stupid health risks. And I want to be a good role model.” A Rebel tells herself, “I refuse to be a slave to nicotine addiction.” Understanding the Four Tendencies helps us to identify how we might help others, by playing the role they need.

I love spotting signage that succeeds or fails to engage the Four Tendencies. We can invite cooperation from all the Tendencies or trigger resistance, depending on how we frame a message.

To craft a sign that works well for all Four Tendencies, we should provide information, consequences, and choice. This is the sequence that works for Rebels, of course, plus Questioners cooperate better when they have information and justification, and Obligers, when they know consequences. Upholders tend to follow a rule.

I couldn’t resist taking a photo when I visited a company and saw this overwrought sign posted in a stall in the women’s bathroom. It does not do a good job of reaching all Four Tendencies.

This sign was written by an Obliger, for Obligers—note the Obliger-aimed “Keep the place nice for others, if not for yourself.” To convince a Rebel, the opposite would be more effective: “Keep the place nice for yourself, if not for others.” Plus all those pushy “dos” and “don’ts” might push a Rebel—or, possibly, a Questioner or even an Upholder like me—to resist.

It’s surprisingly easy for a sign to trigger resistance. A Rebel wrote, “When I see those ‘Thank you for not smoking’ or whatever, it makes me want to smoke, even though I don’t smoke! I hate the implication that because they’ve ordered me to do it, I’ll do it.”

On the other hand, when I took my seat in the writing room of my beloved New York Society Library, I noticed a clever posting that needed very few words to appeal to all Four Tendencies:

It appeals to Upholders: Here are the rules, follow them. It appeals to Questioners: The reason for the rule “No food or drink” is that food and drink attract bugs, and bugs damage books. It appeals to Obligers: The librarians know that people have been breaking the rules, because we have ants, so stop! And it appeals to Rebels: The people using the writing room are bookish types who value the library, so they’d choose to act in a way that protects the collection and respects the request of librarians—plus, who wants to work someplace that’s crawling with ants?

The sign from a bathroom in the Willard Hotel in Washington, D.C., does a good job of appealing to Upholders, Questioners, Obligers, and Rebels. Note the final line—in a large font—aimed directly at Rebels.

The Ritz-Carlton hotel on Amelia Island, Florida, clearly had trouble with guests who left the sliding doors open. I can imagine some people thinking, “What do I care if there’s heavy condensation? That’s a long-term problem for the hotel. But no air-conditioning and flying insects? That’s a problem right now for me.”

This sign does a good job of connecting with all Four Tendencies: information, consequences, choice. Plus an appeal to identity never hurts.

For an important message to be effective, it needs to resonate with every Tendency. When Hurricane Sandy was due to hit New York City, Mayor Michael Bloomberg ordered people in vulnerable neighborhoods to evacuate, but many refused to go—something that I, as an Upholder, found astonishing.

How might a mayor word an evacuation notice in order to persuade people of all Four Tendencies?

Upholders would evacuate if the expectation is established, so the notice should state clearly that people are expected to leave. Upholders wouldn’t take much convincing.

Questioners would evacuate if they were convinced that this action made sense, so the notice should give ample justification for when, where, and with what strength the hurricane would hit, what the risks were, why actual evacuation was necessary, why each particular neighborhood was at risk, why a well-built or elevated home was nevertheless at risk. The notice should also explain what experts—meteorologists, engineers, architects—had been consulted. Be wary of comparing this storm to a previous storm, because if a person didn’t have trouble during that storm, he or she might conclude that this storm will be no more dangerous.

Obligers would evacuate if there’s external accountability, so the notice should emphasize that failure to evacuate would put family members as well as first responders at risk, that city workers would know whether residents have evacuated, that penalties would be imposed on those refusing to leave. It should remind people of their obligation to keep family members and neighbors safe, and to act as role models of good citizenship. It should emphasize that the best way to care for others (including pets) was to find a way to evacuate.

Rebels hate to be told what to do, but they’d be more willing to evacuate if staying put would limit their freedom and comfort. The notice should emphasize that people who stayed behind would be trapped in place, perhaps for days, and that conditions in their homes would be dangerous at worst, unpleasant at best—with a likely loss of electricity, running water, elevators, and public transportation. And no Chinese takeout.

Also: The mayor should also inform people that their names will be noted; no matter what our Tendency, we may behave differently if we’re acting anonymously.

Because of my quest to discover Four Tendencies signage, I always glance into the office kitchen when I visit a company; the signs on various fridges and sinks make a wonderful study in how we can be more—or less—persuasive. On the Better app, I sparked a spirited Tendencies debate with the question, “Dirty dishes in the office kitchen sink: what’s the best signage?”

One Obliger proposed this sign:

Thank you for taking care of your own dishes. Place them in the dishwasher. If the dishwasher is full, empty it and reload it. If the dishwasher is running, put rinsed dishes in the sink and come back later to take care of them. Your mother isn’t here to clean up after you.

Wow, I thought, there are so many reasons why that sign won’t work.

Some good ideas didn’t involve signs at all. For instance, give everyone a personalized mug; the impulse to take care of “my mug” is stronger—plus it’s not possible to shirk anonymously.

But for signage, our group conclusion was that the winning formula is indeed information-consequences-choice, or perhaps no sign at all—and best of all, humor. A humorous sign can make a point in a way that’s informative, memorable, and doesn’t ignite the spirit of resistance; the right cartoon from Dilbert or The New Yorker can work better than a paragraph of directions. I remember a sign I saw at a swimming pool: “We don’t swim in your toilet. Please don’t pee in our pool.” For the office kitchen, a Rebel suggested this sign: “If the kitchen stays clean, we’ll take down the signs telling people to keep the kitchen clean.”

In just about all situations, framing expectations to suit the Four Tendencies can bring more cooperation and completion, with less friction. In most cases, when we try to influence others, we use the strategies that would work on us. The Four Tendencies can help us, instead, to give other people what they need—not what we would need. And then we can work together more harmoniously.

Gretchen Rubin is the author of The Four Tendencies: The Indispensable Personality Profiles That Reveal How to Make Your Life Better (and Other People's Lives Better, Too), from which this article is excerpted.