How To Cope With Grief After Your Child Dies (Tips From A Mother Who Lost A Child)
"If there is a hell on earth, it exists for parents who have lost a child. There is an unspeakable grief that never entirely goes away." Sidney Sheldon.
As someone who helplessly watched my child die right in my arms, I can't agree more. Losing a child is not only devastating, it's heart-wrenching. It's like having your world pulled from under your feet, and you're left floating aimlessly in the air with no clear sense of direction. It's like having your heart violently pulled from your rib cage, leaving a big hollow gap that nothing can fill, an unceasing wound that no ointment or balm can soothe.?
It's like having a thick black mist engulfing your world, blinding you from reality, interfering with your sanity. It's like… there's really no better way to describe the impact of death, more so the death of a child. Suffice it to say it's a life-altering experience. Healing may come much, much later, and even then, you'll never be the same again.?
According to research, the death of a child is twice more agonizing than any other death you may experience. Still, it's beneficial to recognize that light can shine even in the most darkened place, and however devastating the death of your child is, healing is possible. It will take time, yes, but you'll find peace and acceptance eventually.?
If you've recently lost your child, I convey my sincere sympathies. I've been there and quite aware of the many conflicting emotions you're probably grappling with now: unbearable pain, guilt, anger, depression, anxiety. Life, as you've known it, is suddenly meaningless. You have no clear sense of purpose anymore.?
These are the feelings that define grief, the kind of grief that threatens your sanity and leaves you painfully disoriented, and they're all valid. While different people grieve differently, you shouldn't feel guilty or melodramatic (whatever your reaction). Only you understand the magnitude of your pain and have a right to grieve the way you do. Still, with the right approach, you can learn how to cope with grief and then begin your journey to healing and acceptance.?
How The Death Of A Child Can Impact Grieving Parents?
When you bring another life into this world, nothing can prepare you for the pain you'll feel when that life ends. Nothing ever prepares a parent for the death of their child. This is another painful reality I realized with the death of my son.?
One moment, he was a healthy, bubbly boy happily playing and running around. The next moment, he was writhing in pain, frail and helpless, his once happy face a mask of death itself. He died within hours while receiving treatment.?
Appendicitis.?
The ordeal was not only cruel, it was life-shattering. No parent should bury their child, no matter their age. Lucky had just celebrated his fourth birthday two weeks earlier, and the impact of his death could have been just as profound had he lived for another 90 years.?
Once you become a parent, you're actively and intimately involved in your child's daily life. This is especially true if the child is still young. Death is a cruel intruder that forever changes the lives of every family member, creating an irreversible emptiness.
Similarly, if the child was older or was in their teenage years, losing them is just as difficult because not only are they building up their potential, but they're set to become independent individuals with their own unique identities.?
The death of an adult child is no less devastating because with it goes a life, you had heavily invested in. With it goes the friend you've known your life, the memories you've created, your link to grandchildren, the continuation of your progeny, and lastly, a pillar in your support system.?
When you mourn a child, it's natural also to grieve the loss of all the plans you had for the future. It's okay to grieve for the lost potential that your child would never realize, the happy moments you'd never have, the love you'd never share, and the dreams that would never be realized.?
If yours was an only child, you may feel done, your identity as a parent lost forever. These are painful losses that will stay with you for the rest of your life. Eventually, with time, you'll find a way out of the black mist and forge forward to find purpose and fulfillment in life again.?
How You’re Likely To React When Grieving
How you react to grief after losing a child is no different from losing a spouse or a parent. Perhaps it could vary in intensity for other family members depending on how close you were. But for a child, nothing changes.?
You'll experience different feelings ranging from shock to confusion, anger, denial, disbelief, and, in the worst cases, insanity. Here are some of the many conflicting emotions I endured after losing my beloved son.?
Intense shock
The morning Lucky died, no one was expecting the shadow of death to engulf our household. He woke up being his happy, healthy self. He took his breakfast and went out to play as I got on with the morning chores of daily living.?
From the moment he complained of severe abdominal pain to the time it took to rush him to the hospital to the very time he was pronounced dead, it was just a matter of hours. Nothing had prepared me for that, and I was thrown off an emotional and psychological cliff. It was shock at first, then disbelief, then denial as I tried to process what just happened.?
In hindsight, after losing another family member to a chronic condition, I can say that even where death is expected, the feelings of shock and disbelief cannot be dismissed. They're the first up in this natural process of grief, and many, if not all, people experience them.?
Anger
After the shock came anger. I was angry with my son dying, angry with the doctor for delivering such cruel news. Did he want to give me a heart attack? How dare he pronounce my healthy four-year-old baby dead? Did he realize the gravity of his words? He was supposed to treat my son and make the pain go away. He was not supposed to tell me he was sorry; there was nothing he could do.?
I was also angry at God. Why? Lucky was only four; how could he end up in a freezing morgue? Why subject an innocent child to such cruelty??
Years later, though I had found acceptance and embraced healing, I've never felt guilty for lashing out on that fateful day. I realize that anger is yet another normal reaction to grief, and you should feel encouraged to express your feelings of bitterness for a life snuffed out unexpectedly.?
Depression
This was the hardest emotion I grappled with. I was already depressed at the time of my son's death, and the tragedy only compounded my already conflicted mental state.?
I had attempted suicide more than once before my baby turned three, and by the time he was approaching four, I resolved he was the only thing I had to live for. He added meaning to my life and gave me a reason to trudge on despite my troubled mind and soul.?
Then he died, and I was left bereft. Life became meaningless all over again, and for days after the funeral, as I lay on my bed in self-imposed isolation, I dreamed of committing suicide once more. I just wanted to end it all and be with my baby because I couldn't imagine a life without him. I had to be put on suicide watch, and it took me ten years to fully recover from the demon that is depression.?
From experience, acute depression can be debilitating, and grieving parents need a strong support system to navigate those dark days. When you feel yourself falling over the edge, it's imperative that you seek professional help from a mental health or grief support specialist to deal with your loss.?
Sadness
You can't grieve without feeling sad, so don't think it's strange if you can't remember what laughter feels like anymore. You have a right to wallow for as long as you can and cry out all the pent-up emotions until your eyes are sore. It's the price of bringing another human being into this world, knowing only too well they'll die someday. The price is painful, but there's no way around it.?
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Once you've released all those emotions, it paves the way for reflection, for relishing the memories, and for finding healing. I mourned my son for 5 straight years, and the tears flowed freely for the first few months.?
Of course, there were triggers: his clothes, his toys, his photos, a memory of his smile and laughter, seeing a kid who was about his age.?
During such moments, I'd be overcome by sorrow and weep my heart out as only a mother could. I allowed the tears to flow unbidden because I owed it to my firstborn son. It was my way of expressing my raw, unconditional love for him, even in death.?
My advice is, cry as much as you can until the storm is over, until you can feel the peace that surpasses human understanding wash over your soul. You'll always miss your child, but you'll cope eventually.?
Guilt
As parents, we must protect our children from the world's cruelties. Our responsibility is to ensure they're safe, healthy, and happy. That's why it's normal to feel guilty if your child is threatened and you can't intervene. It happens when a child has a chronic or terminal illness. ?
In such cases, any parent would wish to switch roles and endure the pain on behalf of their child. So you can imagine the enormous guilt you have to contend with when you go home to a warm bed, a hot meal, and a safe home while your child is lying somewhere inside a cold morgue. You can imagine feeling like you're not a good enough parent.?
For me, the feeling of failure was choking. I felt I hadn't protected my son enough, that I didn't do better that I could have saved them, protected him from death. That was more traumatizing than the death itself.?
Anxiety
Anxiety is when you're aware of your child's birthday approaching, but there will be no celebration. It's when the family is going on a vacation, but he won't feature in your gallery of captured moments. It's seeing his agemates, classmates, or playmates and breaking down at the unfairness of it all. It's seeing other parents with healthy children and feeling resentful and bitter.?
Yet, if you're brave enough to confront your demons, you could find positive ways to weather the storms. You could engage in activities that bring you fulfillment and avoid anything that triggers your emotions until you're strong enough to face life again.?
Once again, people are different and grieve differently . Some parents can move through it all with resilience and grace, while others may struggle to accept reality. Some may isolate themselves, believing no one really understands their pain and loneliness, while others may find comfort in the company of other people.
Regardless of how you feel, talking to a death and grief expert is the first step to embracing the tragedy and finding your way to healing, however long it takes.?
Embrace The Grieving Process?
The emotions that define grief can be overwhelming. However, dismissing your grief is not the best way to avoid the pain; neither does it help with the healing process. Recognizing that what happened was tragic and devastating is the first step to acknowledging and justifying your emotions. Only then will you truly come to terms with your child's death and heal. Here's how to embrace this difficult process.?
Tips for Coping With Grief After Losing A Child
Embrace Your Emotions
Resist the urge to push away the traumatic experience and acknowledge the emotions that come with it. Those feelings are a natural and necessary reaction to death, so allow yourself to experience them. It also helps to give yourself as much time as possible to grieve adequately.?
One of the best ways I was able to accept losing Lucky is by talking about his death. The more I wrote about him, the more I could express my hidden emotions , which proved therapeutic in the long run.?
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For me, I was too angry and bitter to talk to anyone for the first few months after the funeral. Were it not for my family, who worried about my fascination with suicide and dragged me to a grief counselor's office, I'd have gone through it my way.?
I'm a woman of faith and found strength in my strong belief systems. Although I received valuable tips and guidance after therapy, it was spending time in prayer and meditation that really did it for me. I needed a deep spiritual connection, and I was able to find that by deepening my relationship with God.?
But I acknowledge that people are different and not everyone is spiritual. If you're not into religion or spirituality, seeing a professional mental health provider or licensed therapist can provide the support and guidance to see you through your grief journey.?
Spare Time for Self-care
Taking care of your emotional and mental health is crucial. It isn't easy, but you need to keep living, and the quality of your life will only diminish along with your mental and physical state. If you have other children, never forget that they need you alive and healthy, not dead or incapacitated, so take care of yourself. If not for you, then do it for them. Here's how to go about it.?
Find a Support System.
Join a community of bereaved people going through grief. Such groups can be resourceful and helpful in shortening the healing process. With a strong support system of equally wounded people, you can share stories and tips for grieving families and find solace in knowing you're not alone.?
Honor Their Memory
Another wonderful way to cope with the loss of your child is to honor their memory in an impactful way. This may involve engaging in humanitarian causes such as helping children in hospices (if your child was in a hospice), volunteering in a health facility, starting a charity organization, or running a medical funds drive to assist the sick in your community.?
Alternatively, you may support causes your child believed or was interested in. You can even plant trees in memory of your child. These are impactful ways to honor your child's legacy and stay loyal to their memory. In the end, you'll not only find meaning in life but also inspire other people to find purpose amidst grief.
Living Again After Tragedy?
Grieving a dead child is a harrowing and traumatizing experience. And yet, as with everything in life, it will come to pass, too, eventually. Your life will never be the same again, yes, but if you can learn to embrace the scars of their birth, you can learn to live with the wounds of their death. You can find happiness again, no matter how long or difficult it takes. You only need to rethink your priorities, develop a positive mindset, and give yourself – and life – another chance.?