How to connect with difficult clients

Why is it so hard to connect and build alliances with certain people? 

No matter what you say or do, they just seem to make every interaction almost impossible. 

Ever had this experience before? 

12 months ago I decided to once again be involved with the employment service and disability space. An area I'm very passionate about. Working one-on-one and in groups, with individuals experiencing major physical and psychological barriers, attitudinal barriers, major communication barriers, social barriers, transportation barriers....to name a few. 

And just the other day, I had an experience, one I’d love to share with you my insights and strategies, on how to better understand rapport and why sometimes it’s quite challenging to form alliances with "difficult" clients. This is not the full version, by any means, but it’s certainly a great place for us to start. Normally I would unpack this over a full day, but, this is a great place to begin. 

A new client was coming in to see me. We’d never met before, I had no idea of this client, what they looked like, nor had we ever spoken on the phone. In fact, they had been booked in to see me by somebody else and so, it was the first time we were meeting.  

As I was going about my day, I heard someone at the front door, I approached and welcomed the person as they entered like I do all clients. ‘’Hello, welcome’’ ...but there was no response...what happened next is what made it possible for me to deeply connect and build rapport with this person from the beginning. 

The person at the door was my new client, the client I'd never met before. Let’s call them ’H”. 

When H entered, I immediately noticed, their body language, their breathing, their eyebrows were raised, their mouth was in a neutral position and open, their body was closed off, and I noticed their tonality and the speed of their words, all of which helped me to better understand and prepare, in my mind, what I was about to say next. 

But first, why does this even matter? Why must we stop, notice, and have some kind of awareness, some knowledge and skill around how to read and better understand a person through their body language and non-verbal communication from the beginning? Why is this so important before we even open our mouths to speak, before we say anything at all to someone? Instead of just winging it, going through the motions, in autopilot and allowing words to just come out without any control or conscious awareness? 

Unbeknownst to me, H my client, whom I’d never met before, had been confined to their home for months and months before this appointment. In fact, this was their very first encounter with someone other than their immediate family member and It was also their very first outing, in a very very long time. 

Bit of background, H suffers from severe social anxiety, OCD which interferes with their ability to build relationships, severe panic attacks, anxiety, to name a few of H’s physical and psychological disabilities and barriers to connection. 

I see so many professionals, going about their day, running around busy, busy, process, process, script, one after the other, without really connecting, paying attention or having any idea or awareness of what’s really happening with the person right in front of them. Instead, they rush around, using authority and auto speak like, ’just take a seat over there, someone will be with you in a minute, OR let’s get straight to it’’..and then jumping straight into interview and/or appointment mode, totally disconnected with what’s really happening with the person in front of them. Focusing only on ‘’agenda and process’’. 

As ‘’The professional’’ you need to, you must take 100% Responsibility for your communication effectiveness. 

As ‘’The professional’’, you need to, you must have Expanded Awareness to know whether your communication is being accepted or rejected by others, and then having the behavioural flexibility to be able to make the appropriate adjustments along the way as needed. 

Not everybody is like you. Not everybody is the same. Not everybody is able to do what you want them to do just because it’s the process. 

It doesn't work like that when we’re dealing with human beings. This is why so many professionals in their roles find it so hard to connect, to build rapport and then they wonder why their clients are so resistant, challenging, aggressive, and don’t connect and take action. 

Let’s go back to what I said next. But before we do, what does it even mean to know about facial expressions, body language and voice tonality? 

See, our gestures and our micro expressions, whether conscious or not, are all vital signs, giveaways, to better understanding emotions, attitudes, intentions and judgement of self and/or others. 

There are so many layers to bonding, connecting and building rapport with people. Sometimes rapport happens naturally, but, mostly, rapport-building takes time and it doesn’t always go the way in which we intend it to go. 

When H presented, through her non-verbal communication, and through my knowledge, understanding and awareness of behavioural patterns and body language, I was able to quickly adjust my behaviour, tonality and body language, accordingly, to her needs. 

Taking all of this into consideration, the next thing I said to H was, ‘’would you like to wait over there or would you prefer a private office’’ With that, she quickly jumped at the chance, ‘’Yes Yes closed room, right now.’’ Ok, got it. Immediately, without hesitation, I proceeded to guide her straight toward the private office. This really matters.  

Unconsciously, H and I were in the rapport building process phase, because this was the first step to H feeling like she had been understood and listened to. This was the first step to H feeling a ‘’little’’ safer than she did when she first walked in.  

When we got to the office, I asked her, ‘’where would you prefer I sit’’? This was making it a safe space and for her to feel comfortable and that she had a choice. Her shoulders and facial expression slowly started to become a bit more relaxed and not so tight and rigid. 

I took my time. This really matters. I TOOK MY TIME. Regardless of agenda and process. I took my time to slowly build the rapport needed with H through my words and body language. Taking approximately 15 minutes or so, I was able to create a safe, comfortable, relaxed space for H. 

What I did:

1. I asked for permission.
2. I provided choice and options.
3. I set up a safe, judgement-free zone.

H and I spent the next hour together. In that time, we were able to create an action plan moving forward for her and she was also comfortable in making a future appointment to see me again.

Before H left, she turned to me and thanked me, she said, ‘’had you not provided me with a safe space, had you not asked me for permission and had you not given me choice, I would've left, ran out that door. I hate being around people, I hate crowds, I hate open space, when I first walked in here, all I wanted to do was run the other way. ’

We fail to connect because of all the pressures of processes, agenda’s, systems, sales targets, KPI’s; here's the thing, PEOPLE ARE NOT EXCEL SPREADSHEETS. They are human beings with emotions, feelings, problems, boundaries, barriers, needs... 

 Pay attention to what’s not been said. Take the time to figure it out from the beginning, 

Be the responsible one from the beginning. 

Learn and develop a broad range of skills, and flexibility, to be able to better tailor your approach to the needs and styles of your clients.

Learn how to adapt to a broader range of roles, rather than someone who plays the same script day in day out. 

Become a more effective professional, by letting go of preconceived ideas about how to respond and what’s meant to be, instead, pay more attention to your clients' moment-to-moment needs. 

To find out more about how to how to relate and create rapport with anyone and everyone email me at [email protected].

“Emotions change how we see the world and how we interpret the actions of others.”