How to complain without being "toxic"?

One of my subscribers reached out to me with a question:

How not to become a “toxic person” when going to a boss of a toxic colleague or their superior. If issues aren’t resolved immediately, you may need several visits, and with each one, the risk of being labeled as someone who “badmouths others” increases.

A person isn't labeled as “toxic” without displaying toxic behavior. Obviously, to avoid being labeled, don’t act like a toxic person! But often, it’s hard to see yourself objectively (and that’s also why you shouldn’t be quick to label others).

Let’s break it down: toxic behavior is destructive behavior.

Before you complain, make sure to pause and evaluate your state of mind and thoughts:

?? First, how are you feeling? Are you calm, or is everything boiling inside, and you're ready to explode? Stop, take a breath, and count to 10.         

In a recent difficult situation at work, I was treated in what I believe was a toxic way. My first impulse was to call the person’s boss and just dump everything on them. But I caught myself in this destructive (and therefore toxic) state, closed my laptop, and took a coffee break. Yes, I was 100% right, but my righteous anger would have brought no benefit to anyone - neither me nor anyone else.

?? Next, once you’ve calmed down, think about your intentions. Why do you want to share this information? What value are you hoping to create? Focus on positive impact.        

I played a quick solitaire game, finished my coffee, and calmed down. Okay, why do I need to share this information with their boss? To ensure it doesn’t happen again? And why is it important that it doesn’t happen again? So I don’t get upset and can focus on my work productively. Fine, but what’s in it for them (that I won’t get upset)?

I kept asking myself these questions - why? and what’s the benefit? - until I found a shared interest.

?? Value proposition is great, but how can you avoid similar toxicity next time? Do you have a suggestion for how things should be organized?         

Now, understanding that similar circumstances could arise again, I needed to decide: what do I want this person to do? Do I have any recommendations? Have I considered all the details, and am I ready for a constructive discussion about this proposal?

?? How will you structure the conversation so that your counterpart is open to dialogue from the very first words? What are their values? What matters to them?        

From this point, you can proceed with your “complaint.”

Except it’s no longer a complaint, is it? It feels more like care. ??

Only after all this thinking did I approach the conversation. A constructive, helpful, and growth-oriented conversation.

Or I could have just called and said: “Your employee is a jerk!” Oh, how much I wanted to...