How to communicate with someone who has mental illness

If you have been a part of mine and my family's journey at any point along the way, you know how important mental health advocacy is to me.?

May is?Mental Health Awareness Month?and I wanted to share something deeply personal. Loving someone with mental illness is not for the faint of heart. It gives new meaning to the term unconditional love. I’ve had to learn that it is possible to love someone and not always like their behavior.?

My son Evan has multiple diagnoses. We have been to dozens of doctors, specialists, therapists, psychiatrists, neurologists, healers, acupuncturists, functional medicine doctors, and more. The search for answers has occupied every moment of my life for the last twenty years, and it can be exhausting.

Whether it is a child, spouse, friend, relative, neighbor, or colleague, mental illness affects everyone. One in five adults and children will suffer from a mental health condition in their lifetime, and approximately half of us will be on anti-anxiety or antidepressant medication in our lifetime.

One of the questions I’m often asked is: How can I communicate with someone who has a mental illness when they are agitated? While I’m not a therapist, I have an honorary Ph.D. in navigating these conversations.

Here are a few things to think about:

• You cannot have a rational conversation with a person that is irrational. When someone has a mental illness they are often living in their own reality. They are convinced they are right because in their reality they are. Debating or arguing with the person is kind of like telling the wind not to blow. It’s futile and creates unnecessary tension and frustration.
• You cannot help to regulate someone else’s emotions if you are dysregulated. The more calm and objective you can remain, the better.??As impossible as it may seem, we were taught to be “unflappable”. Evan was just here for a visit, and I can tell you I failed miserably with this one.
• Mental illness can be inconsistent. Some days (or hours), the person may be rational, other times, not so much. The illness means that the person may be capable of being rational, they just may not be capable of doing it consistently.
• You cannot “fix” someone else. You can only control your responses and reactions. Sometimes, it’s best to step away and get space.
• If you are a caregiver of someone with mental illness, the most important two words of your life are: SELF-CARE. You can not show up from a place of empathy if you are exhausted and depleted. There are many ways to get respite.
• Be gentle with yourself. It is exhausting to be strategic and deliberate in all your interactions. Show yourself a little extra compassion. If you didn’t handle it the way you wish you would have, you can handle it differently next time.

While it can feel impossible, your best bet is radical empathy. Approach everything through a lens of curiosity and compassion.

?When the person is agitated, calmly and sincerely say something like:

What is it that’s upsetting you most right now?

How can I best support you?

What would you like for me to do?

Can you help me understand what’s bothering you?

When we are upset, our emotional brain takes over, making rational thought impossible. To answer the questions, the person has to access the prefrontal cortex, giving the emotional brain time to calm down (this works for everyone, not just those with mental illness). Then, paraphrase back to ensure understanding.?

Try saying something like:

It sounds to me like you are saying…

Just to make sure I understand, are you saying…

Just remember, mental illness doesn’t make sense. The agitation isn’t coming from a place of logic. Just as cancer is unpredictable, scary, and overwhelming, so is struggling with a mental health issue.?

The person who is dealing with a mental health issue is doing the very best they can. No one wants to be challenging or difficult. We are all doing the best we can with what we have.

If you or someone you know could use support, here are a few resources:

NAMI (they are in most major cities)

Online therapy resources

Find a treatment center near you

The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Dial 9-8-8

Text?GO?to?741741?to reach a trained Crisis Counselor through Crisis Text Line, a global not-for-profit organization. It is free, 24/7, and confidential.

The first step toward caring for someone with a mental health issue is to start by taking care of yourself. You cannot practice kindness and compassion unless you are kind and compassionate to yourself.