How to communicate with the most misunderstood people on the planet: introverts

Introverts are my kryptonite.

If there is a group of people I haven’t figured out yet, it’s introverts. But it’s not all introverts that get me. There is a specific type of introvert I truly don’t understand.

It’s the awkward silent pausers. 

It’s the ones who take long pauses before they speak. I have a good friend who is the silent pauser type. I can talk to him for five minutes straight without him saying a word. Then I’ll ask him a question, and he’ll just stare at me while he’s thinking. And it’s not just a “hmmm, good question” type of pause, either. It’s the type of pause that makes you second guess everything that just came out of your mouth. Because the pause feels like an eternity, he makes you think you said something wrong or didn’t say it clearly enough. 

Sometimes, when I’m feeling adventurous, I play a game with him. It’s called “how long can I pause to force him to speak” game. I don’t tell him I’m playing this game, but it’s a little something I made up to challenge myself.

I’ll say what I have to say, and then shut up. Five seconds later. Nothing. He’s staring at me. I look away because I can’t stand the awkwardness. Ten seconds later, I peek at him. He’s still staring at me. I take a drink of my water to give myself a reason not to talk. Doesn’t work. It looks like he has no intention of speaking. 

Then I break the silence. I can’t handle the silence. He’s so good at this game, and he has no idea he’s even playing it. 

But, do you know what the crazy part about him is?

He’s an amazing speaker. He’s got style, hubris, and any other fancy word that describes a great speaking style I can’t necessarily explain. He loves (and lives) to be on stage. And believe it or not, he’s excellent at building relationships. He once triple-booked a meeting because he lost track of how many people wanted to have coffee with him. 

But the dead air, man. The dead air is what gets me. Dead air is an introvert's biggest weapon. Dead air is my kryptonite, and these types of introverts have mastered it. 

If I’m a hostage negotiator and the terrorist is an introverted silent pauser, I’m sorry, but the hostages are going to die. Call up the news stations and let them know this hostage situation is not going to have a happy ending. Get the helicopter and five million dollars in unmarked bills ready, because I lost. 

How can I demand the terrorists free the hostages and then not hear anything back for 15 seconds? I’m going to give in and start talking during the pause and reveal all of my leverage.

OK, I think I’ve explained my point. 

For these types of introverts, the pausing is normal. They’re thinking of the right answer, not just any answer. Their answers are calculated and thoughtful. They really think about it. This is an amazing skill to have.

But even more than their answers, it’s the questions. The questions are often so good that I start questioning my own ability to ask questions. Am I rushing myself when I talk with people? Am I not giving enough thought to my questions? What happens if I just take a few short breaths before I speak?

I remember talking to a young entrepreneur who started his own company and raised millions of dollars at 24 years old. The purpose of the call was to do a reference check on a talented friend I’ve worked with for a long time. 

His questions were unbelievably good. I think he asked five questions in total. I spoke for 20 minutes, and he spoke for maybe 90 seconds. They were thoughtful and precise. I was thoroughly impressed, and honestly a bit jealous. The pauses after every answer I gave is what I remember the most about this call.

The problem with these pausing introverts is that they figured out a way to get you to keep talking, even if they haven’t said a word. You end up telling them the worst, most private, or unrelated stories just to keep the conversation going.

My natural instinct is to get people talking. Get them comfortable with me. Get them speaking. But I couldn’t do it with him. He owned the conversation. He got what he wanted. None of my small talk strategies to get him talking more worked. He was focused on his questions and his questions only. It almost felt like he didn’t care about me.

He is 24 years old! I hung up the phone and thought, “What am I doing with my life?” And what was I doing when I was 24 years old? I definitely wasn’t running a company with millions of dollars of funding. I was still trying to get people to talk to me.

This is the power of the silent, thoughtful, pauser introvert. They make me question what I’ve done with my life. I can’t be the only one who thinks this.

Which reminds me of another story. It was the first week on my job when I began my career. My manager was a soft-spoken woman, and I couldn’t tell if she really hated me or just sort of hated me. 

She’s on her laptop typing away, and I had a question for her. Instead of messaging her on chat, I thought I would do what any responsible new hire would do and establish a relationship in person. I mean, she is only a few cubicles away from me.

I got up from my cubicle and walked in her direction. I walk up behind her, within inches of her, and I say, “Jessica, can I ask you something?” She doesn’t have headphones on, mind you. She’s just typing away in a quiet workplace cubicle with a few other people around.

This is where the awkwardness begins.

There is absolutely no way possible she didn’t hear me. She MUST have heard me. But she didn’t flinch. She didn’t turn around to address me. She didn’t give me a finger to let me know to hold on because she’s focused. She just completely ignored me.

Now I’m in this tough, awkward situation. I’m literally right behind her. My presence alone should have been enough. Even the other employees around her desk are staring at me.

So maybe she didn’t hear me. But in my 21-year-old mind, I’m thinking, “She hates me. I know she hates me. I’m probably bothering the hell out of her. Oh no. I can’t say her name again, because maybe I’ll be bothering her.”

This was 20 years ago, and I still remember it like it was yesterday.

So I moved to the side a bit, and I said, “Jessica?” This time I actually said it a little bit softer because people were staring at me. I didn’t want to touch her, and I really didn’t want to bother her. No response. 

So I just walked away and sent her an email instead.

I refuse to be bullied by these non-speaking, introverts. OK, rant over. This is a chapter about how to communicate with these people, not why you should hate them. But before I explain how to communicate with them, I have to tell you something.

INTROVERTS ARE SO MISUNDERSTOOD, THEY DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND THEMSELVES

One of my favorite books is a New York Times Best Seller called Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. 

Look at some of these reviews of the book:

I want to express gratitude to Ms. Cain for she has made it officially OK to be me. All my life, I've had this intangible feeling of being ‘wrong’ or ‘flawed’, or at the very least a minority in every walk of life. Only after my brother recommended this book to me do I finally feel worthy and acceptable (even, dare I say, valuable) for being an introspective person who thinks before speaking or taking action. I am not ‘weird’ or ‘shy’ or ‘anti-social’ as I have been labeled since childhood.”

“it’s ok to need alone time, and that my strengths don’t have to lie in the same things – listening, thoughtfulness and consideration are all important, even if they come at a cost of an immediate answer or participation in small-talk.”

It’s a New York Times Best Seller for a reason: Even introverts don’t understand themselves. They needed this book to explain it to them.

Most advice about how to talk to introverts all says essentially the same thing: You have to be quiet and listen to them. No, really listen to them. Embrace the silence! You can’t invite them to a party, because they won’t talk there. If you want to connect with them, you have to do it one-on-one. They find parties exhausting.

But I find this type of advice frustrating. Why do we, non-introverts, have to adapt to introverts’ style of working? Why can’t it be the other way around?

But, I digress.

Let’s talk about communication strategies.

RULE #1: DON’T MISTAKE A LACK OF ENGAGEMENT FOR A LACK OF INTEREST

If they aren’t engaging with you, it doesn’t mean they aren’t interested in talking to you. Introverts have introduced a new level of confusion to the world. Believe it or not, introverts are not judging you. Don’t be like me and second guess yourself when speaking to them. They don’t hate you.

RULE #2: LEARN HOW TO PLAY THE “SILENCE GAME”. 

I almost contemplated not giving this advice because honestly, I’ve tried to follow it myself, but I fail at it often. When I say that silent talking introverts are my kryptonite, I mean it.

Here’s how the game works.

If there is silence and you’re 100% sure that it’s not your turn to talk, you absolutely cannot say anything. You have to wait it out. It’s going to feel like the most uncomfortable, awkward experience of your life. 

Just wait it out. 

RULE #3: IF YOU CAN’T GET AN INTROVERT TO TALK, YOU’RE PROBABLY THE BORING ONE

There is a myth that introverts don’t talk. It’s not that they don’t talk, it’s just that they don’t want to talk to you. And most importantly, they don’t have a reason to talk.

Why talk? What’s the point? That's the way they think. They don’t need small talk; they need something substantial to talk about.

Any more tips on how to deal with introverts?