HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH ASSHOLES (AT WORK)

“You don’t know what you’re talking about! This is not what I was told. You need to get your facts straight before presenting to me.”

It was my third week on the job, and the CIO of a multi-billion dollar healthcare company just embarrassed me in front of 20 top executives in the company boardroom.?

I was in the middle of presenting the status of a project I was leading, and he went full force on me. The funny thing is, he wasn’t even looking at me, he was looking at his phone. I was presenting status to someone who didn’t give me the time of day. I was nothing to him.

But then I said the magic words I’ll never forget.

“The project will be completed on January 25th.”

Have you ever seen those memes where the video pauses right after someone messes up bad, and then you hear a voice with the words, “It was at this moment… he knew he fucked up.”

That would have been perfect for this encounter. It was at that moment I knew I messed up.?

His phone wasn’t that important anymore. He looked up and stared me in the eyes from across the room and started berating me. No questions. No clarifications. Just straight up telling me that I was stupid for presenting what I just said. Apparently, the date I mentioned was one week later than what he was expecting.

I mumbled a few things to counteract his yelling, but he didn’t even let me finish my sentence. My boss, a great person, and the one who signs my paycheck wasn’t at the meeting either, so I just nodded my head and pretended I was writing notes.?

I needed to get the hell out of this room ASAP. I apologized quickly and said I’d speak with my boss as soon as the meeting was over. That was the last thing I said.

He said, “OK, you can leave now.”

I didn’t even get to finish my presentation. Now, this is the first time I’ve ever seen this happen. I’ve never been asked to leave the room *during* the meeting.

As I walked awkwardly out of the room with every executive staring at me, I was still a little flustered. I left the meeting shook to my core. It was a complete failure, and it was a failure in front of people who didn’t know me. Their first impression of me was getting yelled at by the most important person in the room.

Someone came up to me later that afternoon and said, “Don’t worry, he’s always an asshole.”?

But that wasn’t going to make me feel better. Asshole or not, I don’t like to be yelled at. It not only hurt my self-esteem, but it made me rethink how I was leading this project.

This was a monthly meeting, so I knew I was going to present to him again. The next time, I wasn’t going to make the same mistake again.

HOW YOU TALK TO ASSHOLES DEPENDS ON HOW MUCH MONEY YOU HAVE IN YOUR BANK ACCOUNT

How you talk to assholes depends on three things:

1. How much money you have in your bank account
2. How much power you have within the organization
3. Your confidence level in finding another job

I’m going to use this blank chart to give you a visual.

Scenario #1: You have money, power, and confidence

You have money in the bank, you have the power to fire someone or the influence to get them fired, and you have the confidence to find another job if this all backfires.?

Your chart looks like this:

This is easy.

“Hi, Jennifer. Stop being an asshole, or you’re fired.”?

Chapter over, see you later. This is the perfect scenario. But, as life would have it, you’re probably not in this situation.

——————

Scenario #2: You have money and confidence, but you’re not the boss

Your chart looks like this:

You’re still not in a bad situation. You have leverage because you can simply not give a flying f*ck what this person tells you.

Best case scenario of standing up for yourself right then and there: The asshole respects you more, which is a huge win. Worst case scenario: The boss fires you for trying to make him look bad, but you maintain your dignity and potentially the respect of others who weren’t able to stand up to the asshole like you. But, you have money saved and confidence to find another job, life is good.

Scenario #3: You have no money, no power, and zero confidence?

Let’s pretend your boss is an asshole, you have no savings, and you’re not confident that you can find another job quickly. Essentially, you’re afraid if you say something wrong to the asshole that you will be put in a hard place to succeed.

Now we’re talking.

I call this the “Well, you’re f*cked” chart.

I’m going to use this chart as the basis for this chapter because, if you have money, power, and confidence and still don’t know how to deal with assholes, you need something entirely different than this book.?

But, before I tell you how to communicate with the asshole, we need a good definition of what an asshole really is.

Assholes come in many variations:

• Nice, but just suck at their job, thus making your job harder.
• Unapproachable, keeps office doors closed, and makes everyone fear every meeting with them.
• Nice, but an asshole behind your back. Think passive-aggressive.
• A narcissist who abuses their power to demean and talk down to others.
• A person in power who demands you do things for them, or else you risk suffering in your career (hello, Harvey Weinstein).
• And chances of you actually being the asshole are pretty high too.?

However, most assholes, who haven’t been fired, have something in common: They get what they want.?

This is all you need to know. Assholes are fantastic at getting what they want, even if it means getting people to hate them in the process. Yes, some organizations are employing “no asshole” rules, but this is still the exception, not the rule.

Now let’s talk about your options for effectively dealing with an asshole.

OPTION #1: STAND UP FOR YOURSELF IMMEDIATELY AFTER AN ASSHOLE INCIDENT HAPPENS

I had a client who repeatedly told me that I wasn’t good at my job. The first time, I let it slide. The second time, I let it go again. The third time, he said it on an email thread with three other people. I sent him a text immediately and let him know that he should never do that again. If he’s not happy with my work, hire someone else, and fire me right now. But, under no circumstances should he be degrading me. I’ve worked too hard to be treated like that.

He backed off, and we kept a good relationship for the remainder of the engagement.

He didn’t fire me, and guess what: He never called said it to me again.

TIPS:

• Have this conversation in person, if at all possible.?
• Do it immediately.?
• Do it in private.?
• Do it calmly.
• Use the magic words “I feel” when talking about the situation. No accusing. “I feel that you were really short with me in that last meeting. I could be wrong, and I’ve been wrong before. But, I wanted to get your opinion on our last interaction.”
• Do not send a 9-page email that takes you three hours to write and have had multiple people review it. In fact, don’t send an email at all. Your message will be lost in translation, and you’ll look even worse. All that will happen is that person will forward it to five more people.
• The communication needs to be crisp, short, and to the point. Shorter is better almost every time.?

Pros and cons of this approach:

• Con: They can take you up on your offer and let you go right there. However, if this happens, it has most likely been something they’ve thought about for a while.?
• Pro/Con: They back off and avoid you. Again, this could be good but could also be bad if they decide to leave you out of meetings, etc.
• Pro: You can gain respect in their mind. You were the person that stood up to them.?

But, regardless of the outcomes, you will feel good about it. You’ll feel like you won, even if the end result wasn’t in your favor.

This is all assuming that the response was warranted, and you didn’t take it out of proportion. Remember, the chances of you being an asshole are high too. Be careful.

OPTION #2: TREAT IT LIKE A GAME

Back to my CIO story.

I had never been yelled at in front of so many people before, so I treated it like a personal challenge that I needed to overcome. I was hired to lead a project to completion successfully, and if assholes are in my way, then so be it. But my goal is my goal.

I created a plan.

I would have absolutely loved to tell him off, but it didn’t make sense because I was trying to finish this project.?

Here’s what I did:

• I changed my thinking about this meeting. I realized that this monthly executive status meeting wasn’t actually a status meeting. It was a “tell me everything is going as planned” meeting. He didn’t want the truth. He didn’t want to hear the project was delayed. I quickly understood that nobody was telling the truth at these meetings. Because if they told the truth, they would be yelled at. This asshole literally trained everyone to lie to him, and he liked it! So, if a project is failing, they massaged their words to make it seem like it was OK.
• My new mission: Say as little as possible. Normally, I would give context. I would be talkative and friendly and give my honest thoughts. Nope, not this time. Every single word was calculated. If I had a question, I wouldn’t ask it. I wouldn’t tell him anything important that he needed to know. He just needed to know everything was OK. I modified my PowerPoint to be as straightforward as possible, even if it omitted facts. I became a liar for the sake of the project. Ideal? No. Necessary? Absolutely.
• I built an executive support team prior to the meeting. Every single word I was going to say at this meeting was now vetted by five executives who were going to be at the meeting. I would tell them before the meeting, “I’m going to say this, is that OK?” So, if the asshole wanted to challenge me on something, I had someone who would speak up on my behalf. I didn’t want to leave anything to chance. I literally brought people into the room who weren’t part of the meeting so they could speak on my behalf. This turned out to be the most critical lesson learned that made every status meeting run smoothly from that point on.

He never yelled at me again, and during one of the last meetings, he even said, “Good job.” I couldn’t believe it.

The good news is, he was eventually fired. But not because he was an asshole. It was because he was an ineffective leader. All of his projects were delayed and didn’t meet their objectives.

Do you know why all of his projects failed?

Because everyone was afraid to tell him the truth, and they constantly fed him lies. He couldn’t diagnose company problems because he didn’t have all the facts. Funny how that all worked out.

I treated it like a game, and in the end, I came out ahead. And you better believe that the project was delivered on-time and on-budget. That’s how I work.

OPTION #3: BEFRIEND THE ASSHOLE’S BOSS (EARLY)

Ahhhh yes, my favorite rule. The ultimate power move option.

When you don’t have money, power (leverage), or confidence, your best friend is the person who has the money, power, and confidence.

Do you know what scares an asshole? Their boss. Form an alliance with their boss, and your problems get solved REALLY quickly.

It's the fastest way to go from this:

To this:

Every time I start a new project, I find out who is at the top of the food chain, and I figure out a way to build a relationship with them. I don’t know if I’ll ever need them, but I don’t waste any time. How I build relationships with them is for another chapter, but just know that this relationship is your key to freedom. It’s a get-out-of-jail-free card.

This strategy works really well. You may think this is a slimy approach, but relationships drive business, and I play the game better than anyone.?

Here’s a great example of this rule in action.

I was hired at a company, and part of the rules I made with one of the senior executives was that I could work from home two days a week.?

Then, on one email, she told me I needed to be in the office the entire week going forward. Keep in mind, she wasn’t the one who approved me working from home. It was her boss’s boss. See where this is going?

I had two options. I could shut my mouth and say, “Yes, ma’am” to not piss her off. But then I wouldn’t have the luxury of working from home anymore.?

Or I could respond immediately. And that’s what I did.

I sent an email within minutes of her email to me:?

“Thanks, Jennifer. Totally understood. Can we talk about this in your office on Monday morning? Have a great weekend!”

The email was nice and agreeable, but I was absolutely furious. It ruined my entire weekend. She violated our agreement.?

Here’s how the conversation went in her office.

Me: “How are you doing?”

Her: “Good, what’s up?”

Me: “Love working here. I love what we’re doing here. On Friday, you mentioned that I couldn’t work from home anymore because the project is starting to get real busy.”

Her: “Yes, I really need you to work here and not remotely.”

Me: “I would love to, and I have no issues with doing that. It’s just that I literally can’t. I have to pick up my kids every Tuesday and Thursday, and there is no way I can make it into the office. Also, when I joined, I told Melissa that working from home was important to me, and she agreed to let me work these two days off. If I joined knowing I wouldn’t be able to work from home, I probably wouldn’t have joined. What are my options here?”

I did a few things in this short conversation:

1. I established that I loved working there (which was a complete lie).

2. I established that I literally couldn’t work in the office on those days. (60% lie. I could have made it work, but I really didn’t want to.)

3. I established that HER BOSS’S BOSS already approved it. If she wanted to enforce it, she’s going to have to explain it to her boss, who will then have to explain it to her boss, which would bring attention to her not being able to manage the team as is. (THIS WAS MY POWER MOVE.)

4. I slightly hinted that if she enforced this rule, I’d quit on her. (92.7% true.) I used a little leverage because she was under pressure to succeed, and if I quit on her, she will look bad. Especially because I was good friends with her boss’s boss.?

5. I let her “decide” my fate by asking, “What are my options here?” It took every bone in my body not to say, “Take it or leave it.” But I gave her the option. Also, this is a great negotiation tactic from Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It.

The end result: We agreed that I would come to the office on the big meeting day, which happens once a month. Done deal.?

Pros and cons of this approach:

1. Pro: You will 100% be treated differently if the asshole knows you are good friends with their boss or their boss’s boss. Remember, the asshole wants to be promoted. They also would like a raise. If the word gets to their boss that they aren’t good at their job, then they risk career advancement.?
2. Con: You risk being known as the person who made it where they are because the boss’s boss likes you. You also have to be careful with not abusing your powers.?
3. Con: If you do this inauthentically, you can get called out for “trying to go around them,” which can end badly. Relationship building must always be done authentically and genuinely. More on this in future chapters.

Friends in high places work. It’s mutually beneficial for both parties. I talk more about this in future articles, including the exact approach to building better relationships with anyone (including higher-ups).

HOW NOT TO COMMUNICATE WITH ASSHOLES

Unless the offense is truly bad, such as sexual harassment, fraud, etc., then there is no reason to get HR involved. HR is not your friend. I don’t care if the company is big or small; HR is not the way to go.

Why not? Well, because HR is afraid of the asshole too! And most likely, the information will get back to the asshole. And you’ll end up looking like the bad one there.

If you think this will lead to them getting fired, you are sadly mistaken. I used to think that assholes would always get reprimanded eventually. I would always think that because the annual performance review would be coming up and it’s a “360 review” where lower-ranking employees could also review the asshole. And yet, the asshole still wouldn’t get their comeuppance.

IN THE END, LEVERAGE SOLVES EVERYTHING

People who have road rage are the worst. I would definitely consider their behavior as “asshole behavior.” But, the beautiful part about these assholes is you don’t have to deal with them the next day. You can wake up the next morning and think to yourself, “Wow, that BMW driver was a real asshole. Oh, well.”

That’s it. You don’t have to see them again. You go on with your life, with maybe an extra hatred for BMW drivers, but that’s about it. Your leverage is that you don’t have to deal with them again. You can just go home.

When you work with an asshole or report to one, then things are different. Every morning, you wake up with an extra level of stress because of this person. You’re worried about what you’re going to say to them or what they’re going to make you do that you don’t want to do.

So, the real trick to communicating with assholes is building a life where you don’t have to work with them. I’ve written several books on career advancement, and the themes of the books revolve around getting out of a career that doesn’t make you happy.

You can build a life and career on your terms. Once you uncover the self-realization that you are the destiny of your future, and you don’t need to rely on certain people for career success, then dealing with assholes becomes trivial, if not, kind of fun.?

May you be the best asshole communicator ever.