How committed are you to achieving your dreams?

You say you're committed to achieving your dreams, but how committed are you really? Here’s a quick test in four steps:

1. Have you clearly articulated what you want? Often we get stuck complaining about the status quo or telling ourselves it’s fine—instead of envisioning a better future.
2. Have you asked for it intentionally? Often we get scared to ask at all, or get stuck asking one way even if it’s clearly not working—instead of getting intentional about asking skillfully.
3. Have you accepted the response? Turns out even when we get up the nerve to ask, the world mostly tells us “no” by not immediately and enthusiastically consenting. Often we ignore that “no”—instead of learning from it.
4. Have you tried again using what you learned? Often we give up or try the same thing again—instead of trying something different.

For the past seven years, I’ve been coaching startup founders and executives to achieve their dreams using this simple process. Maybe they have conflicts with a co-founder they don't know how to resolve. Or an executive who just won't do what they want no matter how many times they ask. Or they’ve got a big vision they aren’t sure how to make real. In one way or another, there’s something really important they want from others that they aren’t getting. They come to me because their usual tools for solving these problems aren't working.

I’ve seen what works and what doesn’t, and what does work is surprisingly simple: asking for what you want. Not begging, not demanding, but something in between: standing proudly for who you are and what you want, yet without any expectation that the world owes you a “yes.” The four steps above are asking for what you want in a nutshell: articulate what you want, ask for it intentionally, accept the response, and try again.

Asking for what you want sounds straightforward. So why do we struggle so much with it? Turns out we really hate hearing “no!” We confuse our asks failing with being a failure. You are not a failure. But our asks fail all the time! Influencing other people is tricky, it usually doesn’t happen on the first try. Yet the more you hear “no,” the more you learn. And to me anything short of a “hell yes!” is a “no,” so you’ll hear it many times a day if you listen. Each “no” teaches you what to try next, and brings you closer to your dream.

I’m writing a book to teach you how to ask for what you want and learn from all the inevitable no’s the world throws back at you—embracing failure to find success. But it's not magic: asking for what you want doesn’t guarantee getting what you want. I can't ask for wings and fly out my front door! No one can guarantee your dreams will come true. But better to dream big and fail than to deny those dreams entirely by not asking or asking unskillfully.

The real promise of asking for what you want is living with integrity. Knowing that each day you're honest with yourself and with others about what you want and whether you're there yet. Most days we have lots of no’s to learn from—it's a rare day all our dreams come true! Yet there's a deep satisfaction that comes from living with integrity all the same. Standing proudly for what you want truly is its own reward: no matter the response, it means you honored your desires and shared your true self with the world. Likewise, accepting the response—even when it’s deeply disappointing or frustrating—is a true gift, the ultimate sign of respect for others. I call the combination of these two practices building genuine relationships: expressing your genuine desires and showing genuine respect for others’ responses. And it’s just about the best way to build the trust and influence necessary to achieve your dreams over time.

So much of our fear, sadness, and anger come from not embracing both what we want and all our failures to achieve it. Often we point fingers to ourselves in shame, point fingers at the world in anger, or numb out by pretending we don't want anything at all. By asking for what you want, you get to live each day at peace, knowing that you're working towards your dreams—one “no” at a time.

If you’re interested in learning to ask skillfully yourself, please follow me here on LinkedIn and subscribe to the Ask For What You Want mailing list. And share this article so others can join us on the journey!