How Codependance is Formed

About Unrealistic Expectations, No sense of value, resentment, and more

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I just had an experience where someone on a team said the team should behave a certain way.

he was triggered by something that he didn't do and believes someone on the team did.

My solution was to pay someone outside the team to solve the problem and let people do what they do.

His response was that people should just behave in the way that prevents the problem.

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Then someone else on the team did the thing we'd have all pitched in to pay for.

This is a problem that causes repeat stress and frustration for the teammate, and time from the life of the solution-provider.

The solution cost $25/person and would have resulted in 2-3 hours of work by someone else.

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Having the teammate do it effectively reduced her (the solution-provider's) worth to less than $25/hr.

This is someone on the team.

This is a problem. It not only enables the complainer, but reduces the worth of the provider.

And the team as a whole.

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This is the seed of poverty, power imbalance, and reduced self-worth.

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You see, after the first "resolution"

the person who created the conflict is happy

but then the trigger happens again - "people 'should' be a certain way"

the person who created the conflict will feel the stress when aggravated, and more stress because whatever the trigger was is happening again,

but then someone else will solve it...

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so the negative sentiment rises in the "complainer", and

this becomes a cue for the "provider" to solve the problem.

So now we're repetitively harboring negative sentiment reducing worth of team members, and repeating the same problems over and over.

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And you know what they say about insanity.

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The time, money, and negative energy could be fixed for $25.

But instead, the "complainer" sold his time and energy PLUS the "providers" time.

Repeatedly.

Effectively, this reduces the value of the problem-solver to less than the amount that could be paid to have someone who isn't "part of the problem" solve it.

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And if this happens over and over, this further reduces the value of that person.

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Over time, this person begins to live in a reality where there time isn't worth what would have been a more effective option.

They're not worth it.

Why? Because the complainer would rather people be a certain way than pay for them to be how they are.

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At best, this is non-acceptance and a lack of ownership over his own trigger.

At worst, this will reduce the self-esteem of the person doing the work because the problem could be solved, but their time and energy is worth less than the choice to solve it.

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All because the person with the problem couldn't be bothered to spend some money.

How much is the time and energy of others worth to that triggered person?

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Or if you're one of those who think others should change...

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How much would you pay to get rid of your resentment and frustration?

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If it's more than you could pay the solve the problem....

Then why would you rather cause harm to another than simply use money?

And what do you get by holding onto that resentment?