How Coaching Helps You Become the Best Version of Yourself

By Yukthi K. Gunasekera

Emperor Ashoka the Great (304 – 232 BC), who ruled most of the Indian subcontinent from 268 to 232 BC, was proud to call himself Chanda-Ashoka (Ashoka the Cruel) because at the beginning of his reign he was on a quest to conquer and annex any and all Indian princely states to enlarge his empire. Then Kalinga happened. He waged a destructive war against the state of Kalinga (modern-day Odisha) where more than 100,000 perished. The sight of the carnage moved Ashoka. At this time, according to Buddhist lore, he invited a young Buddhist monk to his palace one day. When requested by Ashoka to take a seat of his choice, the monk had the audacity to sit on the emperor’s throne. Seated there, the monk preached the dhamma (Buddhist sermon) to the emperor and got him to practice mindfulness meditation. While meditating, the emperor realized the sheer madness of his greed for land and the concomitant human suffering that he had caused. Consequently, Ashoka decided to help his citizens live a peaceful life, instead of killing them and citizens of other states in senseless wars. Thus, Chanda-Ashoka (Ashoka the Cruel) became Dhamma-Asoka (Ashoka the Practitioner of Dhamma or Goodness). This “transformation” in Ashoka happened due to his awareness – his realization – of the terrible suffering he was causing through his own actions. My contention is that this transformation or dramatic change of Ashoka was possible only because of the “awareness” that was created in his mind. Moreover, I believe that this “transformation” happened in two shifts. The first shift was Ashoka’s seeing the bloody sight at Kalinga. The second shift was the awareness created in his mind by practicing meditation.

Similarly, in the coaching situation, before a client can change his or her behavior or thought process, he or she must have a heightened sense of self-awareness. I would not have made this assertion if this transformation happened only in the case of Ashoka. However, this transformation can happen in anyone - as it did in some of the greatest men and women of history. The world-famous examples that come to mind are Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr, Anwar Sadat, and Nelson Mandela. All four of them had “moments of awareness” (two in prison) that simply transformed their lives. These men would not have become what they were, if not for these “moments” of self-awareness at a very deep level.

I believe that the “transformative coaching process” also creates “awareness” in the client, and it is this awareness that helps the client to change. Let’s explore how this happens.

First, we take the client through the awareness conversation: “what happened”. The client starts telling her story. As coaches, we do not interrupt the client at this stage, therefore the client feels that she has the “emotional space” and liberty to unload what she is thinking, what she is concerned about, what she desires, what she is grappling with, what keeps her up at night, or what she is struggling with. As the client relates her story, we not only give her “psychological air” to unfold her story, we delicately ask her to tell us more - when there are pauses in her story. This process of “creating space” (in the mind) for the client helps her to unload more and more, getting her to access the recesses of her mind, do a deep dive, and unpack more and more layers of her mind, thereby helping her gain greater clarity on her topic.

Stephen Covey, in his book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”, says that one of the greatest needs of human beings is to be understood. When we feel understood by another human being, we feel lighter, happier, and validated. This is exactly what happens in the first part of the coaching conversation. The client feels safe, validated, and accepted. Therefore, this becomes a fertile ground for the client to create more awareness for herself without feeling inhibited in any way.

As coaches, we do not stop there. We use words, thoughts, or metaphors (sometimes the very same ones) expressed by the client and we offer them back to the client, so that she feels like the coach is holding a mirror to her thoughts. We also use points in her story and check with her for understanding. This helps the client to understand what she is expressing to us. In addition, we also question her on what specific things in her story means to her, checking with her for significance or importance. By using all these methods and techniques, we engage in “vertical expansion” – in other words, we help the client gain greater awareness and clarity on her topic and, where appropriate, to see the logical next step for herself - to actually take action to realize her goal or dream.

Change is hard. A wit once said that the only person who likes change is a baby which has pooed in his nappy! I believe inertia (sitting on your rear and doing nothing!) is the greatest force in the universe. All human beings resist change – even if we are aware that it is in our best interest to do so. However, without awareness, change is impossible. It is awareness that creates the conditions, the momentum, the need, the urgency for us to change. This is where expanding the mind for understanding, significance, and positive impact plays a pivotal role. 

Why is it that we resist change even if we are aware that it is in our best interest? Some experts say that it is due to our subconscious mind, that sabotages our taking action to achieve our goals and dreams. Therefore, when we let the client create awareness for herself – let her dive deep into the recesses of her mind - she is also free to recognize what stands in the way of change: to identify the obstacles to change and to shatter them. Thus, the transformative coaching process helps clients not only to create greater awareness around their story, it also helps them to take concrete steps to effect change in their lives - and achieve their goals and dreams. This is why transformative coaching is considered one of the most effective ways to become the best version of ourselves.

Yukthi K Gunasekera is an executive coach and lives and works in Colombo, Sri Lanka. He welcomes reactions to this article at [email protected].