How To Coach Someone With More Life Experience Than You?

Two weeks ago, I was sitting down with the group of wonderful starting coaches I founded; Collective Coaching. In this group, coaches from all over the world come together to practice their coaching skills. One of the participants in this particular session had very limited coaching experience and was invited to coach a neuroscientist and psychoanalyst with a lot of experience in the field of coaching. She noticed fear coming up. How was she supposed to coach someone who clearly seemed to be 'more experienced' in life than she was? What could she even coach this person on? I have heard these questions come up for many other coaches and so I decided to write an article about it: how can we coach someone who is more experienced than us?

The Collective Coaching session was lead in a powerful way. After about 30 minutes, the conversation got deep. The new coach allowed her client to fully open up to her and this resulted in insights beyond what any of us present in the group could have expected. It was truly magical. This neuroscientist with all of his life experience, wisdom, and knowledge about the world could finally let go of his image. In this session he could allow himself to be vulnerable, to let go of the character he was playing. Finally, he was in a conversation where he did not have to keep up his good appearance and blow everyone away with his knowledge, in this conversation he could be himself. It blew my mind, it blew his, and the coach was startled too. It made me realize that sometimes the people we are scared to coach because they seem so experienced are just holding onto an image that is weighing on them heavily. As a coach, it's our job to see the client for who they truly are; we look past their stories, judgements, achievements, perfections and imperfects, and we see them as our equals, as fellow humans.

Since I started coaching at the age of nineteen, I've had my fair share of beliefs when it comes to coaching people who are older, smarter, have more life experience, etc. However, the session I witnessed and described to you above shifted some beliefs for me too. Here are three ways of thinking that will allow you to coach anyone on anything with more ease and grace and less fear:

1. You don't have to coach.

As coaches, especially when starting out on our journey, we have big expectations on how our sessions should go. We feel like we have to blow our clients' minds, help them out in incredible powerful ways, and give them the most extraordinary conversation with the most unforgettable questions they've ever had. Well, in fact... we don't have to do that. It's just an expectation you have. Sometimes people have nothing they want to be coached on, sometimes all people want is just a simple chat, and that's okey too. The moment you start to have an expectation on and attachment to how the session should go, you're playing a dangerous game. As a coach, we're the ones leading the session, but we're not the ones deciding what is being discussed. It's like a coloring page for kids. As a coach, we create the lines, the shapes, and the boundaries. But we don't decide how the coloring page is being colored, with what colors, and whether or not we're coloring within the lines.

2. Nobody feels perfect

Sometimes we may look at another person and place him or her on a pedestal. From the outside it might look as if this person is living a perfect life. Happy marriage, successful job, well-behaving kids, living happily ever after... People are very good at showing the outside world exactly what they want them to see. As a coach, your strength can often be found in the knowing that the person sitting in front of you has their faults too. They go to the bathroom too. And probably it also happened to them at least once where they wanted to flush the toilet, but not everything would go down the drain... Do you know that moment? Yeah, feels shit right? (pardon the pun). But guess what. That moment of embarrassment and panic.. the person sitting in front of you knows it too.

I'm a great believer that we are all 1000% perfect. You are always exactly where you need to be, when you need to be there, and who you need to be there. Always. However, I also believe that everyone has had moments in their life where they did not feel like that. No matter how successful, free, wealthy, or happy your clients are, it is very likely that they have experienced or are experiencing the dark side of that too. And that's okey! Your awareness of this only makes you a better coach.

What I know about success is that the more successful you become, the more it feels like you have to live up to this imagined successful version of yourself that you have created in your mind. And what I know about freedom is that the more free you feel, the more lonely you can feel, because you're achieving dreams nobody else seems to believe in. Being able to talk someone who does not expect you to be as perfect as you might look on the outside can be a very freeing experience. And that's exactly where you come in.

3. You don't need to give advice

"So you're only nineteen years old and you're giving people advice on how to live life?!"

I remember someone on a birthday party asking me this question after I had said that I was working as a coach. In this moment I felt like an imposter. I felt small and insignificant. Yeah, what do I know, were the thoughts going through my head. But then it dawned on me. And I said:

"No, I don't give advice."

At that moment that was all I could say. I felt like I had to defend myself but I didn't know how. Months later it got clear to me what I had wanted to say. Finally I found the right words:

"I don't give advice. I don't work with people who need advice. I believe everyone innately knows what to do and how to do it and I happen to have a skill that helps people to bring it out."

As a twenty-two year old coach, I am not smarter than my clients. Often I lack about 20 years of life experience compared to them! But for the way I coach, I don't need to be smart, have a fully lived life, or have a beard that reaches my knees. I am skilled in helping people remember what they already know. I train people to recognize their inner power. Sometimes I do this through metaphors or through stories about my travels and this enhances the session. However, I believe that coaching is a profession that can be mastered through skills; high complex pattern recognition, presence, capacity to summarize, active listening, asking questions, etc. Life experience, good stories, wisdom, and knowledge are cherries on the cake.

If you've ever gotten nervous to coach somebody because you felt like they were more experienced, knowledgable or wise in a certain area or field, I hope that knowing you don't have to coach anyone, remembering that nobody feels perfect, and realizing that you don't need to give advice, will help you to lead your sessions with more confidence.

PS: because you've read the whole article I would love to give you a gift. This week, I will have 3 spots to work with pro bono clients. I work only with people who recognize themselves in the following paragraph from above: "What I know about success is that the more successful you become, the more it feels like you have to live up to this imagined successful version of yourself that you have created in your mind. And what I know about freedom is that the more free you feel, the more lonely you can feel, because you're achieving dreams nobody else seems to believe in."

If that is you, we need to spend some time together. Send me a message and together we will plan a 60 minute powerful conversation that will result in more confidence and a feeling of freedom.