How to be clear on your Values System?

An alternative to sleeping pills... Extended

Choices, decisions, priorities… There are so many choices we have to operate in our lives. Some seem simple like choosing between chocolate treats or tin canned spinaches, some are much more complicated.

Professional project, Ethics implications, conflicting priorities, People management choices, Education of children… So many topics that keep busy thinking, hesitating, wondering.

?Values take a strong share in our existence, in our choices, in our beliefs… The most complicated choices we have to make refer to our own “Inner Values System”. As well, many of our spontaneous emotional reactions arise when one of our Values is contacted, hurt, enlightened, activated.

?During many years accompanying People, facilitating teams, organizations, coaching Human Beings, I have always received the same answer to the following question: “Do you have values?” And the answer is everytime “yes of course!!” but when starting to deepen the topic, most of the time people actually have neither “formalized” nor given perspectives to their own personal values.

?So when facing difficult times, choices, dilemmas, etc. People would every time have to dig again in their profound beliefs to painfully extract a decision that would be in alignment with a blurry values system.

?First, what are Values? Here is the sentence I came to:

?Values are the fundamental philosophical principles that guide our lives.

?Values can change or stay the same through time.

Perceiving Values as eternal certitudes would bring rigidity. In the mind, the heart and the body. Being alive means our Value System is moving, evolving, maturing, so let’s consider that this system can evolve, change priority, step back to some basics, etc.

Periodic introspection allows us to realize how our Values can evolve and to operate regular healthy updates and stay fully aligned with our profound beliefs.

?Why not trying to sort these things peacefully, in quiet times, to get a solid basis for a healthy introspection? This might make you all set for some tougher times in life…

?Here are 5 simple questions, centred on your values. These 5 questions will help you to be clear on your fundamental values.

?Here is the method: Offer yourself a small note book, the size of a credit card or a passport. Keep them somewhere close to you. Your desk, your Jeans’ back pocket, your purse, or in a drawer where you know you will find them when necessary…

I personally do have a Values Notebook. The size of a passport, it fits in my pocket. Whenever times are troubled, fatigue is there, big choices come, I take my Values Notebook and I review, amend, reflect on paper and frequently come to a softer thinking process, and peaceful nights of sleep.

?OK, and now that you are ready to start, here we go.

?1.????What are your personal values? In which order of priority do they come?

?Not too many Values can be our Personal Values. 3 to 5, maybe 6…

?How to spot them? Values are strong concepts, driving up to the sense of your existence, rooting many of your actions. Easily said… But there are markers: Values activate us emotionally provoking strong reactions if fulfilled, bypassed, hurt… They are, as I said rather conceptual, such as fairness, honesty, justice, respect, freedom, etc.

?Values should be differentiated from Drivers that are anchoring motivation, engagement, performance (pleasure, excitement, reputation, money, pressure, Team-work, etc.) However, I have seen people with whom these elements were so strong that despite acknowledging that it is drivers, they chose to make it a value, and it is absolutely OK!

?Placing them in order may seem difficult and I have regularly had people telling me “But it’s impossible! I cannot make one more important than the other!” Well if it is too difficult, then drop it, but by exercising, you will find a theoretical absolute order.

Of course, life will place situations on your path that will get one value activated, and all of a sudden this value will become first priority. Let’s not confuse contextual priority and absolute order here.

Absolute order is the long lasting priorities you are deciding.

Contextual priority will be the temporary activation of a value facing a situation. Once this situation is solved, this value is now respected and can go back at its place, the flow of your life can follow its path, coming back to expressing your values in the absolute order you have decided.

?2.????What is your definition of each of your values?

?We all perceive the external world with our own (identity, education, school, career, position, etc.) filter. There is no pure objective, or dictionary truth with Values. There is your truth, that can be shared, discussed, debated, explored with others around you.

So to be able to fully grab your Inner Values System, it is important that you define what this or that Value means to you.?It can be an academic, generic definition, it can be examples.

?There is NO JUDGEMENT on Values. They are neither good nor bad, neither fair nor unfair, neither acceptable or unacceptable, they are yours. They are what you define they are for you. They might deserve a thorough thinking process to really reach a personal and exhaustive definition, associated with examples or past experiences.

?So. Give a meaning to your Values. Make your own definition, for each one of them.

?3.????Where do your personal values come from? When did they appear? How did they appear?

?Values can come from your culture, your education or opposition to your education. Values can come from an accident, may it be positive or negative… Values can also come from a personal or professional situation that crystallized into a value… Values can come from an inspirational person (positive or negative) who has touched your values system… many other sources can be found, up to you to find them!

I systematically re-question the following statement: “this Value comes from my parents/educators.”

Indeed, your parents or educators have exposed you to many values, much more than this or these Values you are mentioning. At some point in your life, you chose (consciously or not) to adopt this value. Why? What retrospectively made you choose this value as one of your fundamental life-guiding principle?

?Being able to identify the origin, the anchorage of your Values gives strength, meaning, allows you to relate to the core of it.

?This process of rediscovering the origin can be an intimate introspective process. It can activate emotions. It can feel painful, joyful, shameful, activating your emotional system.

?I always tell the people who choose to work on those questions that this one question, more than the others can be kept for yourself. It is your choice to disclose, to share, to elaborate on it.

?If emotions are too activated when thinking this question through, it is important not to stay alone, and to find a trustful partner with whom to discuss. A friend, a trustful colleague, a coach, a therapist, etc.

?4.????What compromises are you ready to make to your personal Values? What compromises are you NOT ready to make?

?Introspection towards the past can here help. There might be some situations where you did not make any compromise, and if the situation would come again, you would act the same.

?There could be situations in your past where you actually made compromise that you are not so proud of, and you would or will not reproduce if a similar situation was to occur again!

Extrapolating the past into the future and even imagining some potential situations might help you there.

?This question enables you to everyday better understand your Green-Gray-Red zone:

?Green: Everything fine, we are in the field of one of your Values, but you do not feel activated emotionally, or you feel positively activated: your value is respected.

You can voice it!

You can express and give meaning to the fact that you are happy, joyful, that this value is well illustrated. You can also silently but consciously enjoy.

?Red: One of your Key Values is flashing red on your intimate dashboard. Master Alarm! You are emotionally activated (Anger, Sadness, Fear, Joy, and all related feelings). You feel being stepped-on, it gets impossible to tolerate what is currently going on, you want to fight, hide, flee, cry, etc…

?Here, observing a pause to self-reflect on your inner state, your emotional status, your physical status, your thoughts, is essential before taking a position. This pause is good to welcome these emotions, accept the fact that they are here, and let them go out in a peaceful way. I will come out with another piece of research on how to regulate and voice up emotions soon. ?

?It is possible to Speak-up. To say that you cannot accept. To voice that the situation is going against one of your key values... To give meaning to this…

?Even if the stakes are high, even if the pressure around you is high, voicing things up in a regulated way will give a beautiful and steady strength to your positioning.

If you do not observe this pause, your emotion might well dysregulate, and inevitably explode out, or splash you in your insides, being toxic for your energy, engagement, self-esteem, etc.

?People are often very surprised to see how productive and constructive it can be to relate explicitly to your values, in a regulated way.

?Gray: This zone is the most ambiguous to manage: it evolves constantly, it requires self-honesty humility and courage to recognize that sometimes we can be too fierce on our Values, or too loose on some situations triggering our Values system.

Experience, repetition, self-reflection, and time will structure this Gray zone which will always remain, but with time will get thinner…

?5.????How do you carry those values out? How can people read your values in your daily acts, in your decisions, in the way you interact with people…

?Our acts are the witness of what we believe in, people will tend to forget our beliefs, but will mostly remember our acts, these things we have done with them, or for them… These words we had that struck them, this trust we blindly gave, or this unexpected attention signals, or again this moment at which we stood with integrity, backing them up, even in times of high stakes or pressure…

?If you have formalized your Values System, then why not trying to think about the way these values are shown in the reality, and how it could be more transparent, more, or less visible to others…

This introspection needs a quantitative method:

“I demonstrate this value a lot.” “This value can hardly be seen in me.” “I demonstrate very little of this value in my acts, etc.”

The judgement, or self-judgement is a strong enemy of this exercise: “I behave well, or bad.” “I demonstrate this value enough, or not enough, or too much.” With reference to what? To a given social system? A culture? A faith? Let’s keep these statements aside and focus on a quantitative view.

?Factually observing the quantity of demonstration of this value will allow you to decide whether you want to show more of a value, or less of another one.

?This 5th question helps us to give a sense of purpose, to leave remarkable tracks of our action behind us.

?Voilà. 5 Interrogations… Easy to write the questions. Sometimes difficult to respond to those questions.

?But it can be used for so many purposes…

?Reflecting about your next job, about your ideal job and the necessary steps to reach it…

?Making difficult choices

?Making decisions in a conflicting, controverted or highly exposed environment

?Giving meaning to your actions, to the people working with you, for you, above you…

?And sometimes, when facing those very difficult dilemmas, having that little piece of paper close to you can help you turn back on your decisions and feel in peace, because not only you feel, but you know you have decided as per your personal Values.

?Your personal Values can change through time. It can be useful, from times to times, to open the drawer, and read that card again. Is it still valid for me? Still the same order? Still OK with the compromises I do, or have done in the recent past?

?Good night, sleep well!

?Mathieu David-Hine

Here are the questions together in a simple format:

?1.????What are your personal values? In which order of priority do they come?

2.????What is your definition of each of your values?

3.????Where do your personal values come from? When did they appear? How did they appear?

4.????What compromise are you ready to make to your personal Values? What compromise are you not ready to make?

5.????How do you carry those values? How can people read your values in your daily acts, in your decisions, in the way you treat people…

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