How to choose powerful FEELINGS (over triggering emotions)

Have you ever known someone who uses their emotions as a weapon, basically an excuse to ruin everyone else's day?

"Hey, I'm just feeling really overwhelmed right now, so I'm not going to make it to the meeting/your dad's funeral/the camping trip we've had planned for months."?

[By the way, bowing out on a funeral is NOT okay; it's about the person experiencing grief, not you.]

These people see their emotions as reality — the *only* reality. An old boyfriend use to tell me, "Perception is reality" when he was feeling particularly irresponsible?Actually, your perception is NOT reality. Reality is reality. So before you take your ball and go home, how about you practice some self-awareness and manage your emotions appropriately, and not make the rest of us do it for you?

While I have been as guilty of these behaviors as anyone, as I get older, I've been trying really hard not to let my emotions screw up mine or other people's metaphorical kickball game.

I mentioned in?yesterday's post? that I'm reading Brendon Burchard's?High Performance Habits, ?and how he defines emotions vs. feelings has BLOWN UP my world.

Emotions, he says, are primarily?reactions. Or triggers, if you will.?Feelings, on the other hand, he defines as?interpretations.

When I think of emotions, I think of crying at work. If I'm crying at work, things have gone off the rails. Shame, fear, and humiliation are hurricaining throughout my brain and body. I hate myself and everyone around me. I feel totally out of control.

When I think of feelings, I think of how I've learned to deal with difficult family members. Beforehand, I give myself a pep talk, reminding myself to cut myself some slack, that what other people think of me is none of my business, and that it's not my job to manage other people's emotions.?Stay calm,?I tell myself.?Not my circus, not my monkeys.

Burchard proposes the radical idea that?we are all free to choose our feelings ahead of time and that we can use empowering feelings to override difficult emotions.

This is FANTASTIC news. Emotions can and do show up anytime — but we are not at their mercy!

Mastering empowering feelings takes practice, and doesn't work 100% of the time, but it's possible. In fact, it's?life-changing. My ability to choose my feelings has resulted in almost all of my professional and personal success. It's what made me capable of becoming?SVA's Advisor of the Year , and also has earned me the world's best marriage (I will fight anyone that argues otherwise).

How to choose positive feelings ahead of time

Imagine you're at a fancy cocktail party where the waitstaff circulates the room, holding silver trays loaded with various gourmet appetizers. "Lobster roll?" one asks, bringing the tray to a level where you can better see your options. "Salmon-stuffed mushroom?" You survey it all and then thoughtfully pick whatever looks most appetizing

That's a metaphor (how I love a good metaphor!) for how I think about choosing my feelings. Look at them all lying there on this silver platter! Let's see, do I want to feel strong? Brave? How about empowered? Ooh, how about "James-Bond Level Confidence"? Let's try?that?one!

How I stay focused on my core desired feelings

These days, I'm focusing on three specific feelings: Creative, Confident and Focused. I did have six but found that was too many & I couldn't remember them all.

(FYI, I first learned about the concept of "core desired feelings" from Danielle Laporte in her book?The Desire Map? — highly recommended!)

I have my feelings written on my phone, where I see them daily (sticky notes are another option).?

I set aside 10 minutes of my meditation practice to focus exclusively on the feelings I want to feel that day.?

When I journal, I ask myself how I can intentionally create more of these feelings in my life. What do those feelings *look like* when I'm out in the world, writing, meeting with others, or deciding what project to work on next? (Hint: Today they look like hitting publish on the final draft of this post.)

It is only by repeatedly focusing on the feelings that are most important to me that I'm able to consistently show up in a way that gets me closer to my goals. Otherwise, emotions take over and I'm no longer in control.

Focusing on negative feelings

Most of us naturally want to focus our time on positive feelings, but there's actually some value in deliberately choosing to feel negative emotions.?

This seems counterintuitive. But like anything we want to get better at, we have to practice — and practicing managing shitty feelings can be liberating.

Why the hell would I focus on negative feelings?

This can be a difficult concept for folks to wrap their heads around. So try this: think about a time when you were emotionally hurt. Maybe you were left out of an important social interaction, or someone betrayed your trust.?

Do you really want to be the kind of person who doesn't feel bad when you're left out or betrayed? I certainly don't. That would make me a sociopath.?

So there are definitely times when I deliberately choose to feel hurt, sad or — when I'm having a particularly bad day with my vision — grief. I recognize that these emotions make me human. I need to feel them to process and move through them; if I don't, I'm a total basket case.?

You can take this practice a step further, practicing emotions like disappointment, fear, vulnerability and resentment — again, when you have the space and time to really dig into them. Because getting better at something means spending time focusing on the things we're not very good at (not just the fun stuff where we already excel).

Here's how practicing feeling bad feelings works in real life: I sit down in a quiet space, possibly with my journal (again — safe space! no rushing!) and intentionally choose my feelings: calm, brave, connected, centered, whatever it is I want to feel.?

Then I dive in: In my mind, I bring up a time when my emotions felt like shit (I know, I'm a sadist). I imagine the emotion HARD, really bringing up the hurt and humiliation, probing deeply into whatever comes up.?

And then when I'm really in the throes of the garbage emotions, I tap into what it's like to feel CALM. Or brave. Or whatever I've chosen to feel ahead of time.

And you know what? It WORKS. I begin to understand exactly how I can feel an emotion and not let it overrun my body and mind.?The *emotion* is still there, but the *feeling* is what's front and center.?I begin to understand that the emotions aren't as scary or unmanageable as I think, and I am totally okay. Fine! Like shining a light in the dark, the emotions start to dissipate and eventually become NBD (no big deal).?

The next time emotions rear their ugly little heads, I'm prepared. I know what it feels like to experience both simultaneously. But it has to be INTENTIONAL. Because I've practiced like a freaking grown-up bosslady, and I can stare down shame, humiliation and self-hate like I'm goddamn Beyonce.

While this practice is not exactly fun, it can absolutely turbocharge your personal growth. It can inoculate you against fear. To become a fully-realized person, you will have to do hard things. Better to practice ahead of time than try to figure it out on the fly.

*NOTE: If you've had real trauma in your life, maybe start with smaller negative emotions, or work with a trained therapist before going too deep into your negative emotions. Start small!*

So what emotions do you struggle with the most? And what's your training plan for dealing with them?

Originally published at jillhintonwolfe.com .