How childhood wonder, inspired my leap into mindful teaching

I set two goals during lockdown 2020. The first, to support my family by developing greater learning and practice in something I care about. The second, to learn how to teach it to others.?

A week ago, I got word from my training centre that I had passed my teaching qualification in Integrating Mindfulness and Compassion, now just awaiting official confirmation from the awarding body! ?? So I took a moment to be thankful and reflected on the road I travelled to get there. It stretched way further back than I had imagined! Back to a familiar place, where most of our lives are shaped.

PART 1: Road to best intentions

I remember, as a child, telling my mother, "I want to be a teacher when I grow up!” Which is surprising really, since some of my earliest teachers were a bit short on showing warmth and kindness towards me and the other children I knew. My mother asked, “Why do you want to teach?”. I had no answer. But somehow, it felt like I meant it.

And this really stayed with me through life - why do certain notions take root and why do we cling to ambitions or goals, regardless of our lived experience? I suppose we want to change things, to make better for others. Or perhaps we feel compelled or driven but can’t quite put a finger on it. This can come at great cost too, emotionally or physically as we pursue a life goal, that’s all ambition but a little short of genuine intention.

So as the years went by and I met more teachers, I became increasingly disillusioned with my 7 year old career choice. Was it really me who wanted to be a teacher? Why do I hold close to ‘zero interest’ in teaching right now? And why are all the encounters I have with teachers leaving me feeling even more disenchanted? If early secondary school wasn’t enough to challenge my wholesome childhood notions [insert strict Christian Brothers school + lukewarm sixth form], then sharing my not-so-tame university days with a friendship group of ‘trainee teachers’, was certainly enough to turn me off.?Surely that’s not what I wanted to be?

So having no north star to follow, I took a meandering career-ramble and on it, gathered a mixed bag of experiences: from the ‘it’s a job' or 'it pays well' or 'it's a career change' to the genuinely fulfilling, fun and life enhancing. Acknowledging this, I am very grateful and I recognise the privilege in being able to choose a path and all the benefits, reward and learning that come with this. Some people simply don’t have this opportunity.

PART 2: Finding a teacher

Then it slowly dawned on me that we ‘all teach’, although not always in the way we expect. Many become traditional 'teachers', that we depend on (I have met several great ones of course!). Even more of us become managers, coaches, buddies and mentors. And many more still, become parents. The latter endowed a responsibility ‘to teach’, which can range from the instinctive and utterly joyful to the totally overwhelming and challenging (pandemics don’t help). Becoming a father has completely transformed my understanding of teaching and 'who really learns' in this arrangement. Modelling everything from openness, sincerity and trust, to curiosity and pure wonder, there's little doubt my daughter has been my greatest teacher. And rather than present me with the answer to my mother's question, why did I want to teach?, her presence has helped me to reunite with learning. This time, not searching outside for answers but starting within. And then posing the question.

Coming down for air

Over seven years, I’ve gone on a journey, a deep dive inwards. There's been plenty of rough currents, oceans (still) to learn and not without many monsters buried deep. But in recent years, having a constant reminder of ‘why this is important’ in the shape of a wonderful four year old human, has made it compelling. Not to mention a caring and supportive wife, family, friends and colleagues [present and past]. No surprises that a self-reflective journey led me right back to the beginning, to my question. But under the light of greater awareness, it has transformed into something far more meaningful for me, a more personal, "What do I want to share?"

PART 3: Learning from now

Which took me somewhere very different and it wasn't in the past. What you want to share, can be anything you like - whether you learn it, or already know it. And what these last years have given me, is a life lived presently, more fully in all its vibrant colours and hidden shades. Not a ‘living for the moment’ attitude which can create a few high-highs, plenty of denied lows and lots of ‘preparing to live’. But a being with, and accepting ‘whatever is here’ attitude - the dramatics highs, dark lows and all that neutral stuff in between. This hasn’t been without great difficulty. But it has been the richest learning period of my life since childhood. Since I was 7 years old in fact and my mother asked me that question.?

So what to share?

Figuring this out comes naturally to some people, often very early in life and emphatically. For me, it took longer to allow the space, to find the right tools to dig deeper and discover the resources, courage and self-compassion I needed. To sincerely commit to a practice, as you would commit to caring for, your own child. Or perhaps the child, you once were. This may sound dramatic but it's worth asking, what is more important than truly caring for yourself and those around you? And what could be more valuable than developing your natural capacity to live your waking life more fully? To commit to self-compassion and awareness, as sincerely as we commit to the care and attention of others OR our 'life goals'? A few simple but deeply provoking questions and reflections, I feel in touch with, and now have the toolkit to unpack. With an authentic intention and resolve, to share these tools with others, who might wish to benefit in a similar way.

PART 4: More from less

I believe there is nothing wrong with setting a big life goal, or a modest one. Also nothing wrong with having no goals. On this road to becoming a teacher in Mindfulness and Compassion, my most valuable lesson has been to let go of the striving, craving and clinging that lingers in the shadows of many ‘goals’ and would-be achievements. All the ‘what will happen ifs’, and ‘what nexts’ and ‘will I make its’ which roll into a never ending cycle of expectation. Expectations you can never really live up-to, simply because they are endless.

It has left me with goals, less some veneer and minus the craving. With the outcome, less the anxiety. And no loss of enthusiasm but a great deal more sincerity and purpose. It left me with what feels like my ‘best’ intentions. A place where I feel more accepting of what comes next and what doesn’t, more aware of what sits beneath the nagging questions and less concerned when I don’t have all the answers. More moments of ease, joy and happiness in my daily life and more patience, trust and resilience when it doesn't all go to plan.

I think that's closer to what I really wanted when I grew up, even if it took me a while!

Derek Hill

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