How Changing my Beliefs Made me a “Unicorn Coach”
There are 3 kinds of coaches…
I used to be the hopeless coach.
I didn’t even TRY to coach.
Why?
I had no hope that I could.
I didn’t even TRY to start my coaching business.
Why?
I had no hope that I would be able to run a business.
I really didn’t think my own dreams mattered (or that they were possible).
I was living a life that I “fell into”...
…because I looked to others for approval.
I performed so they’d tell me that I was good enough.
Not exactly ‘coach material’!
That approval seeking started when I was 6 years old.
My mom was dying.
One of her last words to me was “Take care of your 4 year old sister.”
My mother believed that she should take care of others first.
So, instead of comforting and reassuring me…
…she parroted her own beliefs.
So I believed it too.
“Take care of everyone else before yourself.”
I believed that even after mom was gone.
Then I looked to my dad for approval…
…who was always busy working on something.
He believed
“In order to be worthy, you must stay busy all of the time.”
He never SAID that directly to me, but I could see this belief through his actions.
He approved of me when I was busy.
He disapproved when I was idle.
So I believed my father’s belief, too.
BUSYNESS = WORTHINESS
Then I looked to my teachers for approval.
I’d get their approval easily because I got good grades.
They believed…
“Education is everything.”
So I believed that too.
Who was I?
I had become a combination of beliefs from the people around me.
What was my life about?
Those beliefs…
I believed I always had to learn more…
…so my life was about excelling in school (all the way through my doctorate program)…
…keeping me ‘stuck’ in the education system for a decade.
I believed I should take care of others first…
…so my life was about putting others before myself…
…taking care of my husband and family, but losing myself in the process.
I believed my self worth was tied to my productivity…
…so my life was about working hard and staying busy…
…keeping me at the top of my career, but miserable.
I looked successful…
…but, I was imprisoned by beliefs that did not serve me.
From the outside I looked like I had it all…
…but inside?
I was dead.
I was just going through the motions, working really hard…
…and had no idea what I wanted.
I was lost (i.e. a ‘hopeless coach’)…
…until I spent a day away from my family and friends .
That was the first day in my life that I wasn’t listening to other people’s beliefs.
With only the sound of my own voice…
…I discovered something I’d never known before…
I realized that I mattered.
I discovered what I wanted.
I explored what I believed was possible.
For the first time in my life, I was generating MY OWN BELIEFS.
I wrote all my new beliefs down in my journal…
I wrote the action steps that emerged from those beliefs.
And, over the next year, I took one small step…
…and then another.
I was no longer hopeless.
But I still wasn’t 100% committed to my new life.
I became the ‘stuck coach’.
How do I know?
Because, when I met new challenges…
…I stopped.
I questioned whether or not I should quit.
Maybe that challenge was a ‘sign’?
It was more likely my belief screaming,
“Don’t change… the unknown is scary and you may get hurt”.
Even though I got stuck over and over again…
…my coaches kept picking me up and dusting me off.
Eventually, I started to believe “These challenges can’t hurt me.”
So, I got better at taking action.
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My commitment to myself and my goals grew stronger.
I strengthened my belief that I mattered.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but each time I got stuck…
…then got up, and continued anyway…
…I was slowly transforming into a ‘unicorn coach’.
My beliefs got stronger and stronger.
I discovered an inner strength I never knew I had.
I stopped looking for approval from the outside.
But even though I started to feel alive again on the inside…
…my outside world got messy.
Becoming a unicorn caused a LOT of problems.
My marriage fell apart.
I had to cut back on some contracting work.
It seemed that no one was happy with me.
But that was actually good (even though I didn’t really see it at the time).
I started to believe that seeking other people’s approval…
…instead of listening to my own voice…
…had been robbing me of my life for too long.
I started to believe that I had been imprisoned by what looked like a perfect life…
…a good marriage on the outside…
…a good career…
…2 amazing kids…
…a beautiful home.
But, as I started taking the time to nurture myself…
…I became stronger physically and emotionally…
…which, ironically, created a void.
My beliefs allowed me to embrace the void and take even more action.
I raised my fees.
I worked less.
I invested in myself.
I invested in the stock market and property rentals.
I painted the ugly wall in my backyard, and weeded the garden.
I cleaned my house for the first time because I wanted to …
…not because someone else wanted me to.
I volunteered at the maritime museum and climbed the rigging on the Star of India.
I sailed on tall ships.
I started practicing Taekwondo…
I traveled to Italy with my teenage daughter…
…and to Germany to see the Christmas markets, and drive the Autobahn.
I believed strongly enough that it was possible…
…so I did it.
Now I’m a ‘unicorn coach’.
I take ownership of my life, my emotions, and my outcomes.
I no longer answer to anyone but myself when it comes to my successes or failures.
From now on, I’m going to be compassionate with myself.
To take every opportunity to gain BELIEF…
…not just from my successes…
…but from my failures.
To do that, I had to strengthen my trust and belief in myself.
I think back to my past, where I supported everyone else’s belief, but not my own…
…because I was afraid of disapproval.
I didn’t acknowledge my own needs and dreams…
…because I bought into my mom’s belief that I should take care of others first.
I was afraid to invest…
…because I bought into my teachers’ beliefs that I need more education.
I was afraid to step out and create…
…because I bought into my father’s belief that I’m not worthy if I’m not working.
All these breakthroughs…
…from ‘hopeless coach’, to ‘stuck coach’, to ‘unicorn coach’...
…are preceded by a change in belief.
All failures to break through boundaries are due to a faulty belief system.
Transforming your beliefs allows you to go from completely hopeless and imprisoned…
…to testing your beliefs that “maybe you can change”.
Transforming your beliefs gets you ‘unstuck’...
…to believing stronger and stronger, finally becoming the unicorn coach you were meant to be.
And the unicorn coach achieves things that few coaches ever do.
Next week I’ll share the mechanics…
…how to upgrade your beliefs, step by step…
…to ‘unicorn coach’ level.
Colette "Unicorn" Coiner
Dr. Colette Coiner, PCC, PT, DPT, FAAOMPT
Associate Dean, Master Coach University