How to change your life in 10 years - or less

How to change your life in 10 years - or less!

by Sue Ellson BBus MIML MAHRI CDAA MPC ASA WV FIGT

...a personal post and reflection...

I was married at 20 and after a lot of soul searching and professional advice, left 19 years later in 2005. I remember on the first day in my new abode, I looked out of the window and everything seemed brighter.

The sun was almost blinding, the colours were magnificent and the atmosphere, electric. It was shocking for me to feel so happy at a time when I was actually so sad.

Leaving my marriage also meant that I would only see my children four days a week instead of seven. As the eldest of four children and the wife of a youngest child, I felt that I had spent my whole life looking after others and now I was single for part of the week and a mother for part of the week.

I asked a friend who helped me move to give me some handkerchiefs as a housewarming gift. I knew I would need them and that I would be crying all the time. Now, 10 years on, those same handkerchiefs are threadbare and starting to fall apart.

Naturally when a long term relationship ends, people try to encourage you with positive statements about how things will turn out in the future.

One of those statements was, that it takes half the length of time of the relationship to recover from it. So after 19 years of marriage, that basically means it was going to take me around 10 years to feel normal again.

I thought, no way. Before I left my husband, I had been seeing a professional adviser and I had rationalised all of the most common issues. I decided to move somewhere close by so that I could still walk the children to school (they were 10 and 7 at the time of separation). I stayed in my local area so that my existing friends would still be close by.

Although the rest of my family was interstate, I decided not to move ‘back home’ and take them away from their father – after all, the children are ‘half’ mine (but as I see it, they are only on loan from God and my role is to prepare them for adulthood).

Looking back, I know without a doubt that I had disconnected from my marriage relationship a long time before I actually left. So at one level, I can confidently say that I did not miss my ex-husband.

But what has taken me 10 years to reconcile is the loss of the role I had as a wife, the dream I had of being married for the rest of my life and most importantly, the angst over not being with my children full time.

It was a permanent decision. I knew then just as I know now, that I will never go back to my ex-husband. What has surprised me is how long it has taken to get my life back.

I made a conscious decision from day one to make sure that even though I was completely bereft, I would not sit at home and pine. When the children were not at home, I did go out with friends, I spent a lot more time attending business events and I tried to make the most of the positives rather than the negatives.

Unfortunately, despite my best efforts, there were countless days where I was incapable of functioning. I would get up in the morning, go through the usual routine and sit in front of my computer ready to work and nothing would happen.

I wasn’t out getting drunk, gambling or spending all day watching television so it annoyed me no end that I just couldn’t work or be happy.

There were worse days too. On the days when the children were not at home, I quite often could not even get out of bed. I would lay there wondering why I couldn’t get out of bed. I sought all types of professional help.

These experts would often make suggestions that unfortunately my circumstances meant I could not complete. For example, I could not afford to move out of the depressing house I was living in, I was not allowed to have a dog and at that point, I had no way of increasing my income.

I remember one day when I simply fell on the floor in the lounge room, looked out of my window and prayed. I couldn’t think of one single thing that could possibly get me out of the mess I found myself in – after all, in my mind, I had tried everything.

Soon after and completely out of the blue, the contract work that I had applied for and had been postponed and cancelled three times previously came through. After five years of separated living and very spasmodic work and consulting, I now had full time work for the next six months.

It was bedlam. The only thing that I managed to complete each week was to cook dinner and do the washing. I would ring the children from work and hear them yelling and screaming and I worried about them killing each other before I even got home (they didn’t).

During this time, I also kept my business running. I was so relieved when the contract work finished that I think I slept for nearly a week, it was absolutely exhausting. But now I had enough money to buy a car (my old car died just before the work started so I had also been living without a car).

So once again, the process of ‘getting over’ my marriage began again. I say that because I still could not focus clearly or change my life to be as productive and as happy as I expected.

I did start to earn enough money to take a leap of faith and move into a nicer house even though the rent jumped from $330 a week to $480. It was a huge leap as I had been struggling to pay $330 a week. However, it made a huge difference because even though I still wasn’t as productive as I would like, my environment was so much better and my income did manage to go up enough to pay the bills.

Then the magical 10 years after separation arrived. Suddenly and quite unexpectedly, the tide began to change. At the end of 2014, one of my clients and now friends suggested that we become accountability partners in 2015 and that has been an excellent tool for helping me implement a series of changes I couldn’t do up until now.

After so many incremental changes, a few very significant changes I have made in the last six months have made a huge difference. They include:

1. Giving myself short breaks

Because so much of my previous time felt wasted, I constantly tried to spend it doing productive work. I never gave myself permission to have some time off. Now, usually one day a week, I am device free, I don’t turn on my computer and I spend time with people.

2. Writing completed lists and to-do lists

We all know that to get through designated tasks, we need to write them down and tick them off rather than hope to remember them and stick to them. By recording my completed tasks, I have been encouraged by the quantity of work that has been completed on top of the to-do lists.

3. Getting more exercise

Of course, like everyone else, I had tried joining a gym in the past and had not stuck to it. So I did the exercise I enjoy and that is walking with my children – at least three times a week. This was a great opportunity to really connect (no distractions) and also great exercise.

We chose to do it late at night (fortunately for me I live in a nice suburb) so it is lovely and quiet and the air is crisp and clear. I don’t feel guilty for not working at this end of the day either.

4. Sourcing some practical help

At this point in my life, I don’t want any more professional advice. I have taken another leap of faith and although I had no idea where the money would come from to pay for my university student assistant, I decided that I would never complete everything on my to-do list for my business unless I got some practical help. This step has literally changed my life in ways I cannot even comprehend.

5. Seeing the value in my friends

I am now at another cross roads because my children are now spending most of their time elsewhere. Over all these years, I have had some long standing friends and advisers that I have truly appreciated but I could never feel their true value. Now I see it, feel it and am truly blessed to know that I can call on them (I never felt as though I could before, even though they had offered. The rest of my family live interstate and overseas).

6. Decluttering

This process is extremely time consuming and I still have a huge amount of decluttering to complete. But little by little I have started cleaning up my computer files, my papers and various rooms in the house. When I pass on things to other people, it is like I am a little lighter and happier each time and interestingly, these people love receiving the items I think they would like.

7. Removing the dead wood

Like most people with a lack of direction, I have taken on way too many projects that have been ‘started’ but never completed. So one by one, I am going back to these and finishing them off. I have removed a website, finished several projects and still have a long list to go but by removing these stale items, I feel fresher and more energetic.

8. Sharing my appreciation

Whenever I have the chance, I tell people in specific words and details about what they have said or done that has been helpful to me. I found out from one person that she was so inspired by what I had written about her in an email that she printed it up and has it on her wall at home. Never underestimate how good both you and the receiver will feel when sharing praise. It is often so rare nowadays that it is greatly appreciated.

9. Spending a little more

Whilst a new pair of socks with loose tops may not be your idea of luxury, when you have lived as close to the breadline as I have for so long, even this small purchase feels like a wonderful luxury. For so long I have been consumed by the needs of others that my own personal needs have seemed less important. I am not being a martyr here, the point I want to make is that I have spent a little bit of money on myself and have really enjoyed the benefits. I will never waste money in the future.

10. Planning for the future

After living so long with uncertainty, I have not been courageous enough to plan ahead. Now though, even if it is only for the next day or week, I write down some plans of what I would like to achieve. It is amazing how much more productive I have been. It has included really simple items like be in bed before 10:30pm or drink a glass of water with every hot drink, as well as more complex items related to my business. I started the year with a brain dump of everything and it is amazing to see how many of them are now done.

So in the end, I look back and ask myself, has this 10 years been successful or not? In a financial sense, I have only made ends meet. In terms of a personal relationship, I went out on a lot of first dates that never went anywhere.

But from a values perspective, I have achieved a gold medal. My highest value has always been to spend time with my children and although they perceive me as being constantly at the computer, we have managed to do so many amazing free or low cost activities together (walking is still one of my most favourite things to do with them).

I haven’t been skiing overseas in the French Alps but I have travelled regularly (around five times a year). We have always had food to eat, paid the bills and I am debt free with savings and superannuation.

Now that I am preparing for the next stage of my life, I can look back on the last 10 years and although at the time I felt tremendous pain and frustration, I can now see so many positives.

The fact that my children and I have all come through this and are now leading productive and happy lives, I cannot explain how grateful I am to have finally reached a destination that had previously seemed so elusive.

For all of those people who were beside me along the way, thank you, from the bottom of my heart – I am truly humbled by your grace and patience – I know that I frustrated many of you!

To those who face a similar situation right now, look around you right now for the kind gestures that are so easily missed. The smile, the help, the listening ear, the care and concern, the follow up and even the kicks up the proverbial arse – these are all indicators that those who love you want the best for you, regardless of your circumstances and regardless of how long it takes, even if it is 10 years! You can change your life.

Keywords

#birthday #changeyourlife #lifetransitions #changemanagement #relationships

First Published:  23 July 2015

Last Update:  12 April 2016

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Sue Ellson BBus MIML MAHRI CDAA MPC ASA WV FIGT

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