How to Change the Subject at the Holiday Table

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If we haven't been acquainted yet, I’m a professor of organizational and cross-cultural psychology, the author of?Global Dexterity ?and?Reach , and an HBR contributor and consultant.?I also work closely with coaches, trainers, consultants and teachers to certify them in my?Global Dexterity Method .

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Holidays are a wonderful time to get together with friends and family. They also are sometimes rife with uncomfortable conversations that you’d otherwise like to avoid.?Here are a few quick tips for avoiding discussion — and heartburn — during the holiday feast.

Tip 1 is the “slight of hand.” It’s a quick and subtle way of changing the subject without anyone really knowing it. The key is misdirection. Here are a few phrases to try out:

“Yes, I see what you mean, and… “

“You’re right, I see what you mean, and… “

“That’s really interesting, and… “

“Yes! I do want to hear about this, and…”

“Yes, I’d like to talk about this at some point… and”

See the formula? Acknowledge and compliment to bring down their defenses, and, if possible, go with “and” instead of “but” as your transitional word (since “but” can also prime a defensive reaction).

Tip 2 is the pivot. After you’ve stopped the conversation with misdirection, you have a split second to pivot — and, to do that, you need another catch phrase, something like:

“That reminds me…”

“Before I forget, I wanted to ask you… “

“I was wondering. Could you remind me…”

“I’ve actually been wondering about…”

So, you see the trick: misdirect with agreement, acknowledgement, and then a transitional pivot to another topic – ideally much less controversial. ?

Give this a try - and I hope it helps you enjoy the meal and your company!