How to Challenge the Double Bind Dilemma for Women in Leadership
Nicola Skorko ??
Helping Women in Telecoms Get Promoted and Become Stand out Leaders, Whilst Staying True to Themselves | Trailblazer 5 Places Jan| DEI Report & Plan | Equity Workshop | 000's global client | English Channel Swimmer ??♀?
If women in the workplace are warm and compassionate, they are considered too soft.
But when they are assertive, they’re seen as too aggressive.
This is the double bind dilemma that working women all over the world are facing.?
The old saying “you’re damned if you do, and you’re damned if you don’t” really sums it up!
The main point is that you are never just right or the right amount of whatever you need to be.?And the further up the ladder the more this holds true. You're judged for who you are, who you're not and for being yourself.
Research conducted by Catalyst looked into gender stereotypes and identified 3 powerful predicaments at the heart of the double bind dilemma that arises for women leaders.?
It found that gender stereotypes create several challenges for women because they’re often evaluated against a masculine standard of leadership.?
Women are left with limited and unfavorable options about creating their own style of leadership because they’re constantly being compared with the masculine standard… regardless of how they behave or how brilliant they perform and deliver as a leader.
Not only does this stifle their leadership potential but it can result in women doubting themselves, lacking confidence and limiting their opportunities to advance.?
To help women out of the double bind, here are the three different predicaments at the heart of the dilemma and how you can start to challenge them.
1) Extreme Perceptions: Women are perceived as too soft or too tough but never just right.
The first predicament women face is around the extreme perceptions of women as leaders.?
Either women are too soft and too compassionate and let people get away with things or rough ride over you.
Or you are too tough. In which case you are assertive, aggressive and considered a bit of a bitch.
Women have a more inherent tendency to have what was traditionally known as ‘soft skills’ but are now called ‘power skills'.
Skills like compassion, connection, empathy, understanding, vulnerability and intuition.?
Unfortunately, these skills lead to the assumption that women are less competent leaders because they're too soft and they can be talked over because they can just get emotional and overreact to things.
But then when women act in ways that are inconsistent with such stereotypes, it’s considered unfeminine, not ladylike and inappropriate. It’s almost like you’re too tough.
In my own experience, when I worked in corporate I was given feedback that I was overly assertive simply because I directly stated what I needed and when I needed it.
When I was direct in my emails, I was aggressive… Yet if a male colleague displayed similar behaviour he was seen as being concise and cutting to the chase.?
What I realised, and what is at the heart of what I do and something I share with my clients is that you’re going to be judged either way… too soft, too tough, you will never be just right.?
So if you’re going to be judged as a woman in leadership, you may as well be judged for being authentically who you are.?
Identify your values and show up with them. Make sure you’re aligning with them and letting go of what doesn’t fit… that should be at the core of your leadership style.
It’s all about accentuating all the brilliant parts of who you are, rather than focusing on the stereotypes of who other people think you should be or act.?
How do we get past this challenge?
In my opinion, the main way to get past this challenge is by helping women to have absolute clarity of who they really are.?
To become the world leading expert in knowing themselves and to create a leadership identity based on that. Based on values, beliefs, story, language and magic… rather than the stereotypes that put us in a double bind.?
Create a leadership identity that you can stand, proud and tall, behind. Because when you bring all of yourself to work, that's when you're going to be the most impactful leader as people will see you as authentic, true and real... and be inspired by you.
2) The High Competence Threshold: Women leaders face higher standards and lower rewards than men leaders.
In the workplace, women face higher standards and lower rewards than men.?
On top of doing the job, women have to prove themselves over and over again. They have to demonstrate their ability to deliver and show that they can deal with unexpected challenges and emergencies.
They have to prove their leadership ability, not just once or twice, but over and over again… often before they’ve even been given a leadership opportunity.
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Because of this, women leaders have to spend additional time and energy proving that they can lead. This leads to overworking, over delivering, being in hustle mode and hustling for your worth as Brené Brown would call it.
They also have to consistently monitor stereotypic expectations…? managing people's assumptions and expectations of you versus what they actually see.?
Ultimately women end up having to work harder than their men counterparts to prove the same level of competence. But again, this is down to women being measured against a framework based on stereotypes and assumptions of female leaders.
How do we get past this challenge?
To overcome the challenge and step past the high competency threshold, knowing and owning your unique value can be extremely powerful.?
Rather than just being stuck in the day-to-day, it helps to go back through your history and look at your wins, the challenges you’ve overcome and what you have delivered. This is your value… you need to own it and remind people of it!
Owning your value stops you from hustling for your worth and helps you manage stereotypical expectations. It helps you trust in yourself and means you don’t feel the need to over deliver and always say yes to prove your ability as a leader.
To step past the high competency threshold, you can't be afraid to speak up and say no.
If you are given a project outside your area and it's not something that you want to focus on, it's okay to turn down an opportunity that doesn't feel right for you.?
You don’t have to make the tea or take notes because you’re the only woman in the room.
Recognising the value you bring helps to manage those stereotyped expectations and call out behaviors, assumptions and language that are resulting in this double bind for women.?
Accept who you are and others will follow… feeding into a wider inclusion and psychological safety that everyone should be accepted as who they are.
3) Competent but Disliked: Women leaders are perceived as competent or liked, but rarely both.
Women in leadership are perceived as competent or likable, but rarely both.
Part of Catalyst’s survey revealed that when women behave in ways that are traditionally valued for leaders… like being assertive, setting a clear strategy, closing down conversations, keeping people on point… they tend to be seen as competent. However, women with these valuable skills are then questioned over their effectiveness at building relationships and strong connections with people. They’re seen as cold, unapproachable and a bit of a bitch.
This shows the third predicament at the heart of the double blind dilemma… that women have to choose between competency and amiability.?
How do we get past this challenge?
Again, it all comes back to you and who you are.
You don’t have to choose between being a competent leader and being liked. You need to embrace all aspects of yourself… assertive, approachable, and everything in between.
A study found that women who were able to switch between assertiveness and a more passive demeanor depending on what was needed, were ultimately more successful than other women and men.
Being aware of your environment and remaining sensitive to how others are responding to you, can help you to subtly adapt your demeanor in strategic ways.
Challenge the double bind by demonstrating that there's a different way of being a woman leader.?
Want to hear more?
I talked more about the double bind dilemma for women in leadership in an episode of the Women at the Top of Telecoms and Tech podcast.
Big love
Nic
?P.S If you need my help supporting women in your organisation and closing the gender pay gap you can contact me below.